Apologies…

I have received several wonderful comments over the past few days. I regret to tell you that this site is now inactive. It was really fun writing for it for a few months, and I really enjoyed the journey, but I have moved on. It’s just too hard to keep up with posting and finding stuff to write about, and it turned out to be quite time-consuming and impossible to keep up once I started college.

However, I still blog quite regularly. Please visit me here: Loved from the start

Thank you for your visits, your comments, and your loyalty. I hope to still see you around my other blog! Hopefully in the future I can restart this blog, when I have more time.

Thank you again!

August 14, 2010 at 3:28 pm 4 comments

Meet the Man of your Dreams! Coming up this summer… Part Second

In my past post, I evaluated seven of the 15 ways to pick up a guy this summer. But not just any guy. The Man of Your Dreams. The One.

These ways included such skills as acting like a total fool, and staring dreamily out of windows, waiting for your prince to come.

So let’s start where we left off: with Way 8.

238018488_bd983937faWay 8: Get sweaty! No, not the way you think. Which is probably X rated anyway. The authorities give an example of a young woman who found a fabulous boyfriend after joining a kickball team. If it worked for her, chances are it will work for you too. Plus the teams are full of athletic, fun-loving guys. Plus you can play off stress that stems from not having a boyfriend while giving yourself a chance to meet a boy.

Way 9: Hit offbeat dating sites. <insert picture of woman kissing laptop>

If you’re tired of seeing the same disappointing profiles, don’t give up on online dating all together.

You just haven’t been looking in the right places. You’ve got to find some weird, geekier places. Try searching “online dating” plus your favorite hobby. You’ll be guaranteed to find some mighty interesting people that way. Have fun, and don’t let the herpes get you down.

When all else fails, bring on the laptop LURVVVV just like the blissful lady in the stock photo.

320632482_6b423be995Way 10: Learn how his stomach thinks. According to another woman, the best place to meet guys is a restaurant. Chances are there will be a line of cute guys. And thus the chance to strike up a deep and meaningful conversation with a total stranger. While gazing deeply into his eyes over some chicken pot pie. And leaving, gazing longingly at the other while promising to keep in touch and exchange phone numbers.

By the way, learning how his stomach thinks implies that you have a guy in mind already. To strike up a conversation with him which would ultimately lead to love and a lifetime of gazing into each other’s eyes over a chicken pot pie dinner, one must know which restaurants he frequents, and follow him there.

Way 11: Make more female friends. Girl friends are awesome. They can help us out in the recycling plant business, among other things. However, they’re a stepping stool to a brighter future. You can actually use your female friends as a way to get to the man of your dreams. So when you go to a party, make a beeline for the most social, outgoing woman you can find. Not the hunk hanging around the hors de’oevres. (I think I spelled that wrong, too.) But the lady.

… An outgoing girl can be a fabulous gateway to a great guy.

Girl friends are not only the women we cry on after devastating breakups. They are recycling plant members, stepping stools, and gateways to a brighter future.

You can also stalk their Facebook pages searching for hot guys.

2194369053_5fa76afb66Finally, here are the last four additional ways, which are separate from the slideshow.

Way 12: Go to a coffee shop at 8 AM. According to blogger, it’s a “no-brainer way to make friends.” Like, duh. *bonks head*

Like, guy friends, in case you didn’t realize.

Because of the early time, guys won’t hit on girls. They’ll just be friendly and cute. Because there isn’t any alcohol, they won’t do bad things. Who knew how alcohol could change a person? You might want to reconsider the Twitter/Bar arrangement.

The only challenge is being chatty. But after 3 cups of coffee with 10 packets of artificial sweetener, you’ll have no problems.

Way 13: Conversation pieces are great things. Like the lady in the blog post who carried a cello around and ended up striking conversations with random people. While this was more of an accident than anything, it also works if you do it on purpose.

Because like girl friends, conversation pieces are a stepping stool to a better world.

Puppies are also good. They’re cute, fluffy, and people like to pet them. While they’re petting your poor innocent pup, you with your bright red lipstick (I am not making this up) will make a move on the hunk. Word for word, the blogger states, “So borrow a friend’s dog, put on red lipstick, and you’re good to go.”

Did they say “borrow”?

Yes, you read that right.

3281376114_0f2ba97780So if you have a talkative girl friend, that’s great. If you have a talkative girl friend with a puppy, that’s even better. Two more stepping stools to the gateway of heaven in one go!

Meanwhile, as I have no talkative girlfriends who have puppies, I’m going to walk around my town and carry a toilet. Anyone care to join me?

Way 14: Movie night. This is sort of like the recycling plant idea, or the Tweet Bar idea, but more overt. You have to each invite five people that the other persons have not met. So start it with two people, and end up with 11. You can either stare at each others’ friends awkwardly, or you can talk about general stuff, or you can hit it off famously, or you can just sit and watch the movie and binge on popcorn. As you can see,  you have lots of options.

I have no idea why the girl in the picture they used looks naked.

They recommend three movies: Surfwise, Man on Wire, and American Teen. Never heard of any of them.

Anyone up for a good ol’ Star Wars marathon?

You can eat all the popcorn yourself.

141406508_28f6f04506Way 15: Email all your friends. Say, “I’m single. I would like to date someone awesome. Do you know anyone funny and nice who would be up for an adventure? I’d love to meet him!”

Because this email conveys all the desperation and loneliness of a woman near to cracking point. And spam is the way to a man’s heart.

The funny thing is, all her friends emailed her back with suggestions, willing to set her up with some men. Though she was worried about sounding desperate (hehe, um, haha), she came off as honest instead. People were willing to set her up as a result.

Honesty is the best policy in such a case. If you’re desperate, be honest about it. If you are tired of being alone, be honest about it. Maybe some kind person will have a little pity on you and set you up with the Man of your Dreams.

So now that you have all the ways to meet the man of your dreams this summer, what are you waiting for? Go out there and do it, girl. Guys, play along. Who knows what will happen? Some of these ways may look pretty foolish, like carrying a borrowed puppy, but hey, they supposedly work. Who am I to question the love bloggers? And if you meet a girl who looks overloaded on caffeine at 8 in the morning at a random coffee shop, do not blink your eyes. Do NOT. It is all in the quest for the man of her dreams, who might be well be you.

Happy summer!

September 9, 2009 at 9:46 pm 17 comments

Announcement: hiatus

Hey readers!

My blog will be on hiatus for a brief time. Next week, I am going on vacation for a few days to Acadia National Park. It’s a beautiful place, and I’m long overdue for a vacation. I mean a vacation where you actually go somewhere else, far away from home, and do stuff. Though I will not have a hunky man slathering oil on me while I get the perfect tan, I will be doing a lot of hiking and postcard buying and seashell collecting and that sort of thing. I will have no internet connection during that time, so no blog reading for a few days. After that vacation, I will be busy preparing for college — packing, last minute buying, and that sort of thing — so most likely this blog will not have anything up until I start college September 2. Wish me luck.

I will continue to read your blogs after I get back from vacation. Don’t fear, I have been working on a few things regarding this blog, and there will definitely be new posts up later! Stay tuned! I promise you they’ll be hilarious.

Meanwhile, please stay safe, and take care of your Man Pets!

Have a good rest of the summer!

–The perfect lady

PS: follow me on twitter: theperfectlady

PSS: Here are some pictures of the place I’m going. I did not take them, but various people on Flickr did. Used with permission.

1125455749_5c0c1e939a

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(I’ve actually been here before. It is an awesome place to walk as it’s right next to a lake.)

August 8, 2009 at 1:04 pm 10 comments

The Man of Your Dreams: Coming up this Summer!

Glamour recently blogged about 15 ways to meet the man of our dreams this summer.

I clicked the link, hoping for sage advice and tried and true wisdom.

Imagine my disappointment when I saw a short paragraph that only listed one way to meet the man of our dreams.

*sigh*

In the sentence after that short paragraph, the blogger linked to an awesome slideshow of 10 more ways to meet men. Then she quickly listed another four ways to meet men in yet another short sentence:

Plus, four more ways: Go to a coffee shop at 8 a.m., carry a conversation piece, start a movie night and email all your friends.

I suppose that counts as 15 ways. Way to go, blogger. Get all our hopes up with the title, then show us one measly little way, and then link to 14 other ways that someone else wrote about. Now we have to go click click click through the website to get to read about all the different ways there are to meet the man of our dreams. Grumble grumble.

Grumble.

47265805_46efb20c5fBut all that aside, maybe there’s some merit to what she’s saying. But what’s she saying?

Here are the first seven ways to meet the man of your dreams.

Way 1: Host an outdoor summer picnic. You can make it obvious that you just want to pick up a guy by inviting all your very best girl friends and instructing them to bring their cute single guy friends AND their male friends so you can give them the once-over. Cover this up by saying, “The more [single guys] the merrier!” This picnic is not complete without PBJ sandwiches and juice boxes. Or hula hoops. Or bubbles. Or frisbees. Or water balloons and egg spoons. Bring out your inner goofball!

But why?

The key is to break the ice, so you can really connect with the guys.

Which, loosely translated, means “act like a desperate idiot so the guys will look at you all the time.”

It’s all in the name of Love.

Everyone will loosen up, laugh and have an awesome time — and you just might make a love connection!

3229744082_8e4e0f900aThen I went to the slideshow of Ten Best Ways to meet the Guy of your Dreams. Yup. And I had to do some sleuthing around because the blogger messed up when she linked to it. Boo.

Way 2: Shop your friends’ friends. This involves some casual but crafty Facebook shopping. “Combine your love of online shopping with the best way to meet great guys.” You can play a cute game called “I Spy a Cute Guy.” Simply stated, look for some who is cute but also single. If his profile is private, and all Facebook profiles are typically private unless they’re that desperate, check with your friend. “Teehee, can you introduce me to him?” *insert vacuous giggling* The pressure is supposedly off because Facebook isn’t an online dating site (but now it is, since you made it so). Know each other as friends and go from there.

There’s a slight risk that your girl friends will know you as the “gal who asks about all their single Facebook guy friends.” But that shouldn’t matter in the quest for love. At all.

Way 3: Brush up on the news. Gather information. This isn’t to impress guys, though they do like smart girls. This is for your own good. No, really. Try to at least appear smart for goodness’ sake. This includes making CNN your home page on the internet (so when you happen to casually browse the web in front of a cute guy…) and subscribing to a magazine called The Week which takes each week’s news stories and makes them fascinating “talking points.” You can start a conversation with just about ANYONE. Guaranteed. Yup.

697493041_61ab8b8a45Way 4: Send a love-sparking tweet. All good women should have a Twitter account. For not only is it a wonderful way to know what’s going on in the world, it is a wonderful way to strike up a romance that will last your life. I use it to talk to myself, but that’s a different story altogether.

Send a tweet on Friday afternoon that you’re meeting friends at your favorite pub for a spontaneous happy hour… tell your “followers” to bring their friends. You’re bound to meet new people, and even if they’re not single, they might know someone to fix you up with later.

This will work perfectly for me, because all my followers are not from my state or my hometown, with the exception of a female blogger and one guy I’m well acquainted with. In fact, most of them are the nicest sort. They’re creepy stalker people who like seeing videos of Britney Spears naked.

119531609_8d3190bfe3Way 5: Spend some quality time alone. <insert picture of happy, beautiful woman staring dreamily out a window at a restaurant> Spending time by yourself is a good way to meet some wonderful guy. The key is looking happy and content.

I’ve heard that thinking happy thoughts will help. That or practicing a fake happy smile.

Here’s another way why it works. Packs of women scare men. Really.

And I’m sure that guys will notice the woman at the restaurant who always sits, dreamily gazing out of the window, with a happy smile with much promise of romance and love. Day after day after day after day. It is so normal, and totally not weird.

Way 6: Just say yes. Accept those invites to the parties you don’t want to go to. And even if the weird old guy at the party you met asks you out, do NOT say no. For all you know, he may be the one, even though he smells like the inside of a garbage can. Remember all those women who met their true love, thought he wasn’t cool, but fell in love with him and ended up marrying him? “He just may surprise you.”

You’ll be surprised. Yes, you will.

3200570499_420713a136Way 7: Recycle the single guys you know. A single woman is nothing if not a recycling plant. Men are nothing if not bottles that go through the recycling plants we and our very best girl friends run. You know that guy who was nice but so totally not right for you. Host a get together and bring you extra bottles, um, guys around so your friends can meet them. Then watch the sparks fly.

But you have to set a one-single-guy minimum. “Spread the wealth!”

To summarize, practice your “I’m an idiot” skillz, your Facebook shopping skills, brush up on your news, use Twitter to meet cute guys and not just to talk to yourself, and spend plenty of time staring dreamily out of windows in restaurants.

Finally, don’t forget to say yes next time weird guy next door asks you out, and remember that you are a recycling plant.

Stay tuned with the next eight ways to meet the man of your dreams this summer!

August 5, 2009 at 12:03 pm 7 comments

How to be happy: Cosmo style! Part 3

If the cheap and easy ways to be happy and the Seven Secrets to happiness weren’t enough, you can now have 24 shortcuts to a happy life. You don’t have to take the long way around, thanks to these rules. You can just take 24 wonderful shortcuts and get there much faster.

Maybe before you read lots of magazines (Cosmopolitan is a good example) that told us that we could become happy by trying a new life-changing eye cream (the writer there has been searching for the One, meaning the perfect eye cream), finding true love with the hunky lifeguard person, or getting the perfect job (note: I searched for “dream job” on the website, and most of the stuff I got were shirtless bachelor pictures). Some even told us that we could find happiness by moving to Sweden, of all places. (WOOHOO! Men pushing baby buggies!)

2771481569_efd4a0ae95But contrary to what they say, those things — true love, eye creams, and dream jobs — are not what true happiness is all about. True happiness, instead, is about 24 easy little shortcuts. In fact, Cosmopolitan, to quote, has “unearthed piles of research on the power of positivity to show you just how easy it is to put yourself on cloud nine in an instant.” Knowing people in general, it’s generally understood that people love instant stuff.

Instant coffee is pretty awesome. So is the tea that you just put in a cup of hot water for a few minutes. We love instant. Maybe that’s why the idea of getting something good instantly appeals to us.

Or maybe it appeals to that part of us that is tempted to steal the free ketchup packets at McDonalds.

Since there are 24, I will not be able to go into them at much detail. However, I shall do my best. Do notice that there are 24. These 24 correspond to the hours in a day. If you try to do one an hour, you will be in Happiness Land on a day.

Don’t believe everything you think. Like when your inner voice (no, not the same voice as Oprah’s inner voices, though it could well be the same. I don’t know) starts blabbering about how much of a fatty you are. You might be a fatty, and then again you might not.

462395183_656afdaa27Quit spying on yourself during sex. Just… don’t. I don’t have anything else to say.

C0py the catwalk. If you walk like a model, you’ll be happy. It’s proven. Think like a runway goddess. By the way, in my church there’s a family where the women walk like models. The mother wears very tight clothes so that it seems like she’s wearing a corset. I’ve concluded that she doesn’t know how to breathe anymore. But anyway, she and her daughters walk like models. The sway of the hips, and the foot in front of the other.

Cosmopolitan says that this way of walking is the reason that Gisele Bundchen is so happy. Not because she’s rich or because she has such a beautiful body.

You know, runway models look so darn happy all the time. I’ve always wondered why. Now I know.

Pad your time. Don’t run late. Not only will you be happy, but so will others, too. Like your date who’s been waiting at the restaurant for the past hour.

Get engaged. Not the wedding bells way, but rather getting really absorbed in something. Like a raunchy romance novel. Those things are easy to get absorbed in, or so I’ve heard. True to form, Cosmopolitan does say mention that thumbing through their latest issue is very absorbing and thus happiness inducing. I wouldn’t know. When becoming absorbed in a project, example being thumbing through Cosmopolitan, you boost your sense of competence and well-being. Yay! Another excuse to read that magazine.

2784838186_6ae8146c43Grin, even if you don’t feel like it. Remember the forced grins? Apparently some of you commented saying that you wished it worked for weight loss. Sorry, ladies (and guys), it doesn’t. Though I understand why you think it should work.

Go out on a school night. I wouldn’t know because I like to stay home on school nights, but people have shown the blahs staying alone by themselves. Sometimes it’s great to just go out to a bar and get picked up by a random guy…

Shorten your “I wish I’d…” list. No objections.

RSVP “no” to invites that feel like obligations. You don’t like them, you don’t even know them, and you don’t even speak to them. Believe me, they did it out of obligation as well, to be nice, and they’ll be all over themselves once they see the “no” on the RSVP card.

Paint a wall, rearrange your furniture, or take the curtains off of your windows. WHAT THE HECK? What kind of phrase is “off of”? My grammar book says it’s VERY WRONG. *mutter* But yes, this is why I have so many bumps and bruises. And this is also why you hear lots of banging when I’m in a bad mood. And also why my house looks like a wreck.

Listen to elevator music. … ok.

437210611_6dca8b1cfeOwn your screwups. Again… claim some responsibility here. It’s not the evil forces’ fault. It was yours for not reading the sign that said “cars parked here after so and so will be towed at owner’s expense.” Though if you do live in the city of Boston, I can’t help you here. Sorry.

Dump your diet. Screw Cosmopolitan! Screw Glamour! REBEL!!!

Always have something to look forward to. Dinner reservations. Blind dates. Concert tickets. What would make me happy is music. So I buy music CDs. It’s fun waiting for them to come, especially if they ship from Britain and take a couple of weeks to come. Right now I’m waiting for a Switchfoot CD and a Casting Crowns’ Lifesong CD.

Blow off a grudge. I think this is the smartest thing Cosmo has said, since… since… I don’t know. I didn’t think they had it in them. But you know, bad energy and all that. Karma. Whatsitcalled.

Get dirty. Go back, back to your days of being a toddler playing in dog doo… back to the nostalgia of feeling the happiness of the poo sliding through your fingers, before the big ones came and snatched you away with a loud voice. You cried. But you can still go back to those days.

Line your favorite and famously uncomfortable stilettos with moleskin. Huh? (By the way, I intended to put a picture of someone’s high heels over here, but WordPress was being annoying and wouldn’t show it. Stupid wordpress, sometimes.)

Create a ritual. Because life is just so unpredictable, we need an oasis in the desert, an island in the midst of the roiling oceans of life. It keeps you grounded. And makes you happy. I’m not sure how, but hey…

Don’t flake out. You probably know the girl who always cancels at the last minute. Don’t be like her. You will become friendless, lonely, and possibly die single. Or become one of those crazy women with cats. It’s nice to cancel once in a while (like in the case of saying no to obligations you really don’t want to attend) but not all the time.

Perform a bad-mood intervention on yourself. Out! Out, you demons of PMS! It says that covering your eyes help a lot. So does deep sighing.

Treat yourself to a massage. There’s nothing like the feeling of skin-to-skin contact. Really. It sends happy signals to your brain. Touch is awesome. So much that there’s a Touch Research Institute somewhere in Miami.

Visit O-Town today. Not Oprah town. The other one. Open the floodgates of … um…

Then think LSD...

Then think LSD...

Try color therapy! With Sesame Street! Cosmopolitan tells us that there are four certain colors that provide “major mood-boosting benefits.”

  • Red increases your heart rate. It also makes you want to sleep with anything that’s human, male, and is breathing.
  • Orange will give you energy. “It’s the Energizer Bunny of brights.”
  • Yellow can relieve depression and make your memory better, so you can think about all the bad times that you’ve had before.
  • Green is soothing. Especially mint green. You’ll be too relaxed to think about how horrible your life is.

Remember these colors for the next time you’re in a bad mood and are tired of rearranging the furniture. You can always buy a bucket of paint and redo all the walls by yourself.

In closing, Cosmopolitan has helpfully provided the five symptoms that show that you really need to start following all 24 shortcuts. In fact, if you find yourself thinking HALP or OMG or a variation of any of those, and you most likely will, you have to start using those shortcuts NOW.

  1. 954585106_a454a5126cThe sight of a kissy-feely couple makes you physically ill. Physically ill meaning that you want to throw up. Your stomach feels bad, and you are deeply regretting that bag of colorful (yet happy inducing) Skittles you ate for lunch. This might be a sign that you need a man and have been lonely too long.
  2. The only time you’re in touch with Mother Nature is when you’re walking to your car. I have no idea what this means. It probably has something to do with the wonderfully fresh city air. Or something.
  3. When a coworker asks “Is somebody having a bad day?” you actually growl. Or grunt. I grunt. Like a man. Do you?
  4. Your boyfriend gave you a new sweatsuit for your birthday. Because exercise is so totally fun, and there’s no pressure at all. So why do you want to bite his head off? You need a new boyfriend, STAT.
  5. You blow off your girlfriends because you’re too busy… doing a whole lot of nothing. It’s a horrible thing to be busy doing nothing… though that’s kind of an oxymoron.

Do you show any of these symptoms? You are a very diseased individual who needs plenty of help. Start following the 24 shortcuts to happiness right now, before you get any worse.

Have fun! With these 24 shortcuts, you’re guaranteed to be a very happy woman! And maybe you won’t be single anymore!

August 3, 2009 at 11:19 am 3 comments

How to be Happy: Cosmo Style! Part 2

Here’s the second part to our Cosmopolitan series about finding happiness. It may be hard to believe that this magazine is an expert to happiness, but yes, they are. They have taught us cheap and easy ways to become happy, involving scented candles and stuff like that. With more of their “secrets” to happiness, you’re bound to become one of the happiest people around.

Here are seven MORE secrets to happiness out of maybe 1000. They claim that these secrets will lead you to true joy, not quickie mood boosts. True happiness that will make you feel blissful forever and after.

Cosmopolitan concedes that no matter how much evidence they may cite to the contrary, happiness is not about things. Happiness isn’t about designer handbags or designer dresses or designer boyfriends. But what’s happiness? What’s the ticket to bliss? What’s the road to enlightenment and happy land?

Well, the first item is a hilarious group of friendos, as Sarah Haskins would say. Cosmopolitan calls it a “solid core group of friends” which does sound rather sedate and sensible. However, we know what they really mean.

Sex_and_the_city_movieSex and the City.

And indeed, that is what the writer of this article says.

Look at Carrie from Sex and the City. Through everything from Post-it Note breakups to snapped stilettos, she is generally one happy camper. Why? She has her posse.

If you have a bunch of hilarious girl friends just like Carrie in Sex and the City, you will be able to live through such trauma as snapped stilettos and men who are jerk enough to break up with you with a post-it note. Even Taylor Swift’s break up with Joe Jonas over the phone on her birthday couldn’t compare to that. Let’s hope that the country music star had a group of friendos, besides Abigail.

As a matter of fact, I do have my hilarious group of friendos. There’s A, J, P, and me. We lived through my very traumatic non break up with a guy I never dated. None of my nonexistent stilettos snapped, but I offered to “break in” J’s black pumps.

To nurture this wonderful group of giggling girl friends, you need to be open and spill all your secrets. Gossip helps girls bond. An expert tells the magazine that we could spill our secret desires to audition for American Idol. Which I don’t want to do. I have spilled many secrets with my friends, and miraculously, my secrets ended up being spilled to people I didn’t even know. But it’s all in the interests of establishing openness!

2440355239_58696d6965Next, try to have some adventures. No, it was NOT the time (I quote) that you studied really really hard and got an A minus. That is not an adventure. Yawn. Like the naughty things you did with your professor. Now that’s an adventure.

[Insert profound quote by Ph. D. author of profound book.]

Ok…

Awkward.

When they say adventure, it doesn’t mean running away and climbing mountains, unless you bring a hot but totally random guy with you. It means wearing extraslinky minidresses. Why not go ahead and walk around naked? That’s adventurous. It also means doing stuff with your professor or lab assistant or boss.

Oh, and doing the right thing doesn’t lead to happiness. Apparently. So remember that the next time you want to be all good and do the right thing.

Don’t forget to throw away stuff you don’t really need. It’s a well known fact that we women have trouble throwing away stuff we really don’t need. Our closets are filled with clothes that don’t fit us and haven’t fit us for years. (And, I might add, will never fit us again.)

3530904537_52159ffb80The moment you see something you haven’t pined over for at least six months, immediately throw it out. Otherwise you’ll get all weepy. “I wore this sweater when I went on a date with my first boyfriend… he was such a jerk…”

There are a couple of glowsticks in my desk drawer. *sniffle* They belonged to this guy I liked but who didn’t like me… years ago… when I was 12. I’ve kept them ever since. He was cute, and had nice arms. And he always dressed well even though he looked like Curious George from the popular Sunday morning cartoon.

*sob*

Excuse me while I get some tissues.

You can also weep over the artifacts with you group of best friendos.

Have a balance of busy and dead times. That means you have to have a time to be busy, and a time to be dead. Just kidding. They did say that you have to pee time. So remember to take those breaks to go pee! All those holding stuff in is not good for your bladder. Take it from one who knows. Oh, was that too much info? I’m sorry.

2676870605_7246d1dc19But sitting on the couch idling your time away watching Lifetime is bad for you too. You know the toll that can take on your figure. You must have a mix of zipping around but you must take the pee breaks in front of the TV watching lifetime. Cosmopolitan says to fill your days with stuff you love and stuff you have to do like going to the bathroom. You can also meditate (the writer states that you don’t HAVE to lie in the dark chanting om for ten hours) but you can take eight minutes to chant all your om‘s.

I started and by 4 minutes I was chanting “nom nom nom.”

This may surprise many, but the other ticket to happiness involves giving in to temptation.

We as women are taught not to give in to temptation. We prayed at night before bedtime not to be led into temptation “but deliver us from the evil one.” However, as we aged into the teenage years, we started to learn that temptation was cool and hot. Drugs? Fast cars? Yeah, baby. Hot sparkly vampire guys that are forbidden to us? Bring it ON. Then of course we left that stage. We grew up. Temptation wasn’t so cool anymore. Right now, our lives are mundane and boring. The vampires of our youth aren’t even there to break things up.

You log overtime at work, hit the gym religiously, stick to a low-fat, no-fun diet, and even remember birthdays. Or maybe you aren’t quite so type A. But you still get to work on time, kiss your boss’s a** when you’d rather kick it, and play nice to your folks. Face it, making it in this world takes some serious discipline, regardless of your personality profile.

1066580415_552e34b1ffAnd face it, my lady friends (and some of you guys out there), logging overtime at work and going to the gym and dieting and remembering birthdays and getting to work on time and playing nice with the family is BORING.

Period.

We face a lot of pressure keeping up. Even though Facebook does its best to help us remember birthdays, we still have to write the facebook messages on our friends’ walls. We have to be nice to our boss when he is mean and sexist and a bunch of other things. (Add to that the fact that he’s not the adventurous type, if you get my drift. See the second way to be happy.)

The solution? You must indulge. That means balancing out “cheap and easy ways to be happy” with expensive and gourmet. Buy gourmet sandwiches for lunch instead of that old leftovers from home. Surf Facebook and procrastinate instead of replying to your email. Be nice to yourself. Get rid of boredom and say hello to indulgence!

You must also like yourself. Remember the time when you forgot someone’s name and introduced him as Bill instead of Bob? And then you beat yourself up. You must like yourself. That means no beating yourself over the head when you stammer in front of the cute guy and then proceed to dump your drink down your front. Such things happen. They are a normal part of life. You must remember to like yourself through all parts of life, and not just the unembarrassing ones.

544626273_3dd7448cf7Excuse me while I go beat my head on the wall for spilling my drink over his front instead of mine.

You can also stop bashing yourself in the head for the slight crook in your nose.

Don’t browse mentally. You know you do it. Like when you’re shopping and wondering whether to go for the Simply Seductive perfume or Brazenly Beautiful perfume. You get the Brazenly Beautiful for the date, then decide that maybe Simply Seductive was better. Even worse, you go home wondering whether it was Brazenly Beautiful’s fault that you didn’t have a good time.

We women do it at restaurants. I sit at the seat wondering whether I should go for the soup, or the tilapia, or both; and then feel like a pig when I get both. Or I get only the soup and my stomach becomes all nasty on me when I drive home.

And when choosing a partner.  Sometimes our choices are restricted to Hot Guy or Hot Guy? Hot Guy or Hot Guy? Sometimes it’s merely Plain Guy or Plain Guy. But that’s all beside the point, because what we’re doing is wrong and we should STOP. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars.

3702617969_f2ed6a2039You don’t realize that you’re just making yourself unhappy. Make a decision and stick with it. It doesn’t matter whether you use Simply Seductive or Brazenly Beautiful. Despite what Cosmopolitan and other magazines may have to say about the subject *coff coff* of getting a certain kind of food rather than another, it really doesn’t matter.

In fact, Cosmo encourages us to choose two characteristics that are important to you that distinguish Hot Guy from Hot Guy. Ask yourself if they’re being met. Then go for it. “Relax. You’ve made the right choice… or at least one that’s going to make you happy.”

I dare you to go to any women’s magazines website and google the words “perfume” or “hot guys” or  “makeup.” And read what they say. Chances are you already know what they say.

So in this lesson, we’ve learned about the Seven Ways to buy a ticket to happiness. Using these steps, you will not only buy a ticket, but will also get onto the Happiness Train to the land of Happiness where everyone eats ice cream and doesn’t get fat. Remember to get a group of hilarious friendos ala Sex and the City, throw away stuff you don’t need, don’t browse mentally between two different kinds of perfume or two hot guys, and remember to say om om om for eight minutes.

It’s all about your happiness, remember?

July 31, 2009 at 7:57 am 1 comment

How to be Happy: Cosmo style! Part I

So far we’ve looked at Oprah’s ways to be happy, which told us to disregard our dirty bathrooms to be happy. Then we looked at Real Simple, which then urged us to please regard our dirty bathrooms to gain happiness. Glamour came along and told us to run around naked. Then Marie Claire ran after us, urging us to please move to Sweden for our only chance at happiness (which somehow equated to our boyfriends pushing baby buggies while we worked as a famous and beautiful and glamourous editor at some prestigious magazine). Thoroughly confused, we flipped through the latest edition of Cosmopolitan and found…

… and found…

You’re just dying from the suspense, aren’t you?

Anything from Cosmopolitan would probably include doing something with a nekkid man and an ice cube. They have some pretty interesting ideas of happiness. Like spending a whole month with not one, not two, but three… fill in the blank. That’s what you’d expect of them, right? They’re known for their sex tips above anything else, after all.

Take a look at the list of most popular topics:

Picture 1

*shrugs*

Despite this, they are still viewed by many as an expert on true happiness.

True happiness has three options, as it turns out.

43447178_d437f859a4A. Cheap and Easy Ways to Happiness.

Who says the road to nirvana is lined with megabucks and designer handbags? Experts are now discovering it’s the little (and often free!) things that lead to true happiness — like these bliss boosters.

Only this magazine would use words like “bliss booster.” Notice the alliteration. It’s eye-catching and made to make you feel like these tips are so credible… right. And who’s the one who’s talking about designer handbags all the time, anyway? *coff coff*

B. Seven secrets to happiness.

True joy — not quickie mood boosts but that totally stoked mental state — boils down to these surprising essentials. Behold, your ticket to bliss.

And lo, the magazine article was published online, and declaimed …

Note the word “quickie.” Just do it. Now think of what people use the word “quickie” for.

Yes, that’s right.

C. 24 shortcuts to a happy life.

You could get Botox for those frown lines… or try these surprisingly simple moves that will keep a perma-smile on your face.

50552498_b132dc41d1Everything, according to Cosmo, is simple. Surprisingly simple moves to hot sex. Surprisingly simple ways to get married, after the hot sex. The writers seem to live perpetually surprised at the simplicity of life. For instance, some people believe that happiness is a road that takes long to travel on. No, says Cosmo. That is not true. Instead, you take 24 shortcuts and detours, and get to your destination (the land of happiness) in a much shorter time.

So we will look at these topics, but one at a time. Simply because Cosmopolitan is such an expert at happiness that they have more tips than any of the other magazines.

We’ll start with the cheap and easy ways to get happy. In this sucky economy, we women jump at the word “cheap.” We want to have fun and be happy, but we have no money. We either find ourselves scrimping and saving, or forgoing happiness entirely. We gaze at the expensive handbags in Cosmopolitan and Glamour, and envy the happy models holding the expensive handbags. And we are not happy.

But no longer. For Cosmopolitan itself has cheap and easy ways to become happy. They have good news for us! They dragged out the information from the psychology people and published them for our benefit! I’m thinking torture, with a rack and perhaps confiscation of a few favorite pieces of cosmetics. Or designer handbags.

2474712383_3b96e4ccd0One of their get happy quickly and cheaply tricks involves a cheap sunflower. It looks like a person (AHHHHH!!!!) and has associations with the sun (DUH) and the colors of its petals make people feel happy.

Unlike most people, I get creeped out by things that look like people. Does my dog look like a person? AHHHH!!!! Does my flower look like a person? AHHHHH!!!!

Instead of feeling happiness, I would run the other direction.

You can also feel happy when you eat. Contrary to popular notion, food is good. It has the power to make you feel happy. So to eat with a big smile on your face, choose a white plate.

Yes, a white plate. White plates are proven to make food taste better by making you feel happier. Didn’t you know that?

Rainbows make you feel happy, too. So choose food with a variety of colors. Skittles are great. They make me feel happy, and they come in every color of the rainbow. I also especially love gummy bears. Those come in different colors. However, they come mostly in red, which has been proven to make you want to eat more. Skittles and gummy bears may not be exactly healthy, but they make you feel happy.

998570590_d3383034e3The point is to feel the happiness.

You could always say “no” as well. Do you know why toddlers are so fond of saying “no”? Because it feels so good! That’s why teenagers say no a lot as well. Because saying the word “no” gives us the the feeling that we have power. Power over our future, our destiny, and the big person called “mommy” who’s trying to tell us what to do.

Practice. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

Or what about lighting a scented candle for no reason? Sources recommend lighting a scented candle for “entertaining and hookups.” *coff coff* But because you are so amazing and worth it, you should light a scented candle not for the hot hookup or your friends or your five course dinner, but for YOU and YOU alone. Try lavender of green apple. Those have been proven through much research and much lighting of scented candles to make people happy.

3601644206_61be8b191dYou could also forget the dirty bathroom. Come on, there’s something to this here. Oprah says it. So does Cosmo. They tell us to let that laundry slide for a weekend. Instead, read a good book (code: trashy romance novel).

Or paint the house. Colors like blue and green are ideal. Yellow is cool if you want to feel cheery, though I heard from an interior designer friend that people get really angry in yellow rooms. Yellow is just like that.

Finally, drink some beer. Guzzle it down. It helps you rehydrate and prevents muscle pain.

Who knew? Beer can “help” people get past difficult times. But who knew that it could also help your muscles?

So those are your cheap and easy ways to become happy. We’ve learned about the benefits of saying “no,” the benefits of using scented candles for other things than hookups, nice sunflowers that look like people, and beer.

If anything, you now have an excuse for drinking beer.

Stay tuned for the seven secrets to happiness!

July 29, 2009 at 7:35 am 6 comments

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