Archive for June 23, 2009

The Perfect Native American

We women love western romances.

And not just the cowboy type.

The Native American type.

Why?

This is a mystery to some. Why are women so fascinated with Native Americans with some red-haired white girl who dyes her hair black with the we sha sha plant romances? What is it about natives that are so cool and different and unique?

I did a search for novels with this theme, and found quite a few. First, there’s Cassie Edwards. The popular author (who has the worst writing I’ve ever seen. Weshasha, hahaha) has turned out volumes and volumes of Native American romances. The heroine is a white girl in some various helpless situation. The Native American is the strong one who comes to save her, standing manfully with feathers in his dark hair, his dark eyes smoldering with passion, and his loincloth waving in the wind.

No wonder we have a Savage Obsession.

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Maybe it’s because we’re attracted to something wild in a man. Edwards’s novels are in a serious, all starting with “Savage” and some cool word following. Savage this, savage that. Savage gas after eating broccoli.

Everything savage.

In this dreary life of home, work, school, bills, children, and poopy pets, we women long for something more. A paradise in the midst of a wilderness. A paradise where the prospect of love with a naturally dark-skinned, headband wearing man with long flowing hair, an armband that cuts of blood circulation, and squinty eyes will romance our troubles away. A paradise where we don’t have to pay the bills. All we have to concern ourselves with is the Savage in the Paradise.

Perhaps a Savage Paradise?

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And lo, this Savage Paradise that I mention is a place where the men wax their chests. And their pits. Unless that strange armband is meant to disguise the armpit growth.

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All that aside, what woman does not want to find a mighty brave holding a spear/torch/fancy fishing rod dressed only in a loincloth knocking at her door riding a white horse that does look mighty ticked off? A crazy woman, that’s who. He will come to your log cabin, and enunciate in a deep voice that his name is Night Thunder, for he comes like Thunder in the Night.

With one flick of his Mighty Red Loincloth, he calls the thunders of heaven upon you and steals your heart away.

That’s one dramatic entrance. Maybe it’s thunder which made his sternum cave in like that.

He grunts deeply. “How. Me take White Bride with Blonde Hair to tepee.”

“Oooooooooh!” you squeal. And then gracefully swoon at his feet.

Whereupon Night Thunder scoops you up onto his mighty stallion. You wake to find yourself swept up in a wild rapture with a dark skinned, slightly bewildered rider with a sexy six-pack. Your blonde hair will billow in the wind after you. The feeling of floating on air will be enough to make your clothes suddenly start sliding off with gravity’s pull. Good bye, ugly teal dress.

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This wild rapture will make you shut your eyes, hoping against all hope that this wasn’t some dream that came about from too much maple syrup on your breakfast pancakes.

You are afraid that this wonderful dream will turn into a nightmare like nothing you ever imagined. A nightmare in which the American Indians resemble American Indians in only a few things… simply a native gone wrong.

You’re afraid that you’ll enter a world of computer generation, whereas the world before was painted in pretty soft pastel colors and fine brush strokes.

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Where that perfect prince turns out not to be so perfect after all. He has the loincloth, the muscles, and the armband, but there is something strangely metallic about his hair and his lips are oddly pouty. What he wears on his head is not a headband, but rather a TIARA.

Imagine that.

This Warrior Prince will then whisk you away to a land with lots of trees and mist. It’s a land where lo, even the skies are green.

And it is also a nightmare land where the men grow steadily lighter and lighter and appear more and more plastic. Like one of those dolls.

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At least one thing he has going for him is hairlessness. On his body. Beyond the metallic hair. It would be a bit frightening for him to have metallic armpit hair. In this picture, he appears strangely bleached out.

Let’s hope you wake up before things get any worse.

And no. You want to be pulled into a Wild Ecstasy that involves you gazing deeply into a brave’s eyes while sitting in some awkward position on his raging stallion. While you try to take off your ugly pink outfit with two fingers.

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And then be pulled into a Wild Embrace with the man of your dreams.

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For years, Cassie Edwards has been satisfying her fans with authentic tales of bold beauties, exotic braves and the untamed wilderness. Now the author of Wild Rapture captures a lost age of romance when Seattle was a rough frontier. Flame-haired Elizabeth is abducted by the noble Indian brave Strong Heart, who shows her freedom and passion the wilds can ignite.

One must have a Strong Heart as well as a Strong Stomach.

Speaking about Seattle…

JacobRecently, our obsession with Native Americans has come to new heights with Twilight. Fans are currently divided into teams. One is Team Edward, which supports the handsome, pale, and sparkly Edward Cullen. The other is Team Jacob.

Who is Jacob? He’s a werewolf. Not just a werewolf. A cute werewolf. The picture on the right is of the actor who will be playing Jacob in the upcoming movies. And you’ve gotta admit that he’s nice to look at. Enough to make teenage girls swoon.

But Jacob is also a Native American. He lives on a reservation near Bella’s house, in Washington State. He meets Bella, and falls in love with her. It is a doomed love, for Bella has already fallen for the White Man, Edward. And as he fell in love with Bella, the fan girls fell in love with him. Even some older women fall for him, immediately denouncing Edward and joining Team Jacob.

He’s also the polar opposite from the pale and sparkly vampire. As a werewolf and Native American, he’s dark. He’s tanned (naturally). Jacob is not sparkly, either.

So sit down with a romance novel and enjoy your Savage Wildness. Dream of a lost time where the women were red haired, wore ugly teal/pink dresses, and the Indians were all muscular, savage, and had shaved pits.

Hopefully those fantasy don’t involve teal skies or tiara-donning males.

June 23, 2009 at 1:03 pm 4 comments


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