How to be happy: Cosmo style! Part 3

If the cheap and easy ways to be happy and the Seven Secrets to happiness weren’t enough, you can now have 24 shortcuts to a happy life. You don’t have to take the long way around, thanks to these rules. You can just take 24 wonderful shortcuts and get there much faster.

Maybe before you read lots of magazines (Cosmopolitan is a good example) that told us that we could become happy by trying a new life-changing eye cream (the writer there has been searching for the One, meaning the perfect eye cream), finding true love with the hunky lifeguard person, or getting the perfect job (note: I searched for “dream job” on the website, and most of the stuff I got were shirtless bachelor pictures). Some even told us that we could find happiness by moving to Sweden, of all places. (WOOHOO! Men pushing baby buggies!)

But contrary to what they say, those things — true love, eye creams, and dream jobs — are not what true happiness is all about. True happiness, instead, is about 24 easy little shortcuts. In fact, Cosmopolitan, to quote, has “unearthed piles of research on the power of positivity to show you just how easy it is to put yourself on cloud nine in an instant.” Knowing people in general, it’s generally understood that people love instant stuff.

Instant coffee is pretty awesome. So is the tea that you just put in a cup of hot water for a few minutes. We love instant. Maybe that’s why the idea of getting something good instantly appeals to us.

Or maybe it appeals to that part of us that is tempted to steal the free ketchup packets at McDonalds.

Since there are 24, I will not be able to go into them at much detail. However, I shall do my best. Do notice that there are 24. These 24 correspond to the hours in a day. If you try to do one an hour, you will be in Happiness Land on a day.

Don’t believe everything you think. Like when your inner voice (no, not the same voice as Oprah’s inner voices, though it could well be the same. I don’t know) starts blabbering about how much of a fatty you are. You might be a fatty, and then again you might not.

Quit spying on yourself during sex. Just… don’t. I don’t have anything else to say.

C0py the catwalk. If you walk like a model, you’ll be happy. It’s proven. Think like a runway goddess. By the way, in my church there’s a family where the women walk like models. The mother wears very tight clothes so that it seems like she’s wearing a corset. I’ve concluded that she doesn’t know how to breathe anymore. But anyway, she and her daughters walk like models. The sway of the hips, and the foot in front of the other.

Cosmopolitan says that this way of walking is the reason that Gisele Bundchen is so happy. Not because she’s rich or because she has such a beautiful body.

You know, runway models look so darn happy all the time. I’ve always wondered why. Now I know.

Pad your time. Don’t run late. Not only will you be happy, but so will others, too. Like your date who’s been waiting at the restaurant for the past hour.

Get engaged. Not the wedding bells way, but rather getting really absorbed in something. Like a raunchy romance novel. Those things are easy to get absorbed in, or so I’ve heard. True to form, Cosmopolitan does say mention that thumbing through their latest issue is very absorbing and thus happiness inducing. I wouldn’t know. When becoming absorbed in a project, example being thumbing through Cosmopolitan, you boost your sense of competence and well-being. Yay! Another excuse to read that magazine.

Grin, even if you don’t feel like it. Remember the forced grins? Apparently some of you commented saying that you wished it worked for weight loss. Sorry, ladies (and guys), it doesn’t. Though I understand why you think it should work.

Go out on a school night. I wouldn’t know because I like to stay home on school nights, but people have shown the blahs staying alone by themselves. Sometimes it’s great to just go out to a bar and get picked up by a random guy…

Shorten your “I wish I’d…” list. No objections.

RSVP “no” to invites that feel like obligations. You don’t like them, you don’t even know them, and you don’t even speak to them. Believe me, they did it out of obligation as well, to be nice, and they’ll be all over themselves once they see the “no” on the RSVP card.

Paint a wall, rearrange your furniture, or take the curtains off of your windows. WHAT THE HECK? What kind of phrase is “off of”? My grammar book says it’s VERY WRONG. *mutter* But yes, this is why I have so many bumps and bruises. And this is also why you hear lots of banging when I’m in a bad mood. And also why my house looks like a wreck.

Listen to elevator music. … ok.

Own your screwups. Again… claim some responsibility here. It’s not the evil forces’ fault. It was yours for not reading the sign that said “cars parked here after so and so will be towed at owner’s expense.” Though if you do live in the city of Boston, I can’t help you here. Sorry.

Dump your diet. Screw Cosmopolitan! Screw Glamour! REBEL!!!

Always have something to look forward to. Dinner reservations. Blind dates. Concert tickets. What would make me happy is music. So I buy music CDs. It’s fun waiting for them to come, especially if they ship from Britain and take a couple of weeks to come. Right now I’m waiting for a Switchfoot CD and a Casting Crowns’ Lifesong CD.

Blow off a grudge. I think this is the smartest thing Cosmo has said, since… since… I don’t know. I didn’t think they had it in them. But you know, bad energy and all that. Karma. Whatsitcalled.

Get dirty. Go back, back to your days of being a toddler playing in dog doo… back to the nostalgia of feeling the happiness of the poo sliding through your fingers, before the big ones came and snatched you away with a loud voice. You cried. But you can still go back to those days.

Line your favorite and famously uncomfortable stilettos with moleskin. Huh? (By the way, I intended to put a picture of someone’s high heels over here, but WordPress was being annoying and wouldn’t show it. Stupid wordpress, sometimes.)

Create a ritual. Because life is just so unpredictable, we need an oasis in the desert, an island in the midst of the roiling oceans of life. It keeps you grounded. And makes you happy. I’m not sure how, but hey…

Don’t flake out. You probably know the girl who always cancels at the last minute. Don’t be like her. You will become friendless, lonely, and possibly die single. Or become one of those crazy women with cats. It’s nice to cancel once in a while (like in the case of saying no to obligations you really don’t want to attend) but not all the time.

Perform a bad-mood intervention on yourself. Out! Out, you demons of PMS! It says that covering your eyes help a lot. So does deep sighing.

Treat yourself to a massage. There’s nothing like the feeling of skin-to-skin contact. Really. It sends happy signals to your brain. Touch is awesome. So much that there’s a Touch Research Institute somewhere in Miami.

Visit O-Town today. Not Oprah town. The other one. Open the floodgates of … um…

Then think LSD...

Try color therapy! With Sesame Street! Cosmopolitan tells us that there are four certain colors that provide “major mood-boosting benefits.”

• Red increases your heart rate. It also makes you want to sleep with anything that’s human, male, and is breathing.
• Orange will give you energy. “It’s the Energizer Bunny of brights.”
• Yellow can relieve depression and make your memory better, so you can think about all the bad times that you’ve had before.
• Green is soothing. Especially mint green. You’ll be too relaxed to think about how horrible your life is.

Remember these colors for the next time you’re in a bad mood and are tired of rearranging the furniture. You can always buy a bucket of paint and redo all the walls by yourself.

In closing, Cosmopolitan has helpfully provided the five symptoms that show that you really need to start following all 24 shortcuts. In fact, if you find yourself thinking HALP or OMG or a variation of any of those, and you most likely will, you have to start using those shortcuts NOW.

1. The sight of a kissy-feely couple makes you physically ill. Physically ill meaning that you want to throw up. Your stomach feels bad, and you are deeply regretting that bag of colorful (yet happy inducing) Skittles you ate for lunch. This might be a sign that you need a man and have been lonely too long.
2. The only time you’re in touch with Mother Nature is when you’re walking to your car. I have no idea what this means. It probably has something to do with the wonderfully fresh city air. Or something.
3. When a coworker asks “Is somebody having a bad day?” you actually growl. Or grunt. I grunt. Like a man. Do you?
4. Your boyfriend gave you a new sweatsuit for your birthday. Because exercise is so totally fun, and there’s no pressure at all. So why do you want to bite his head off? You need a new boyfriend, STAT.
5. You blow off your girlfriends because you’re too busy… doing a whole lot of nothing. It’s a horrible thing to be busy doing nothing… though that’s kind of an oxymoron.

Do you show any of these symptoms? You are a very diseased individual who needs plenty of help. Start following the 24 shortcuts to happiness right now, before you get any worse.

Have fun! With these 24 shortcuts, you’re guaranteed to be a very happy woman! And maybe you won’t be single anymore!

How to be Happy: Cosmo Style! Part 2

Here’s the second part to our Cosmopolitan series about finding happiness. It may be hard to believe that this magazine is an expert to happiness, but yes, they are. They have taught us cheap and easy ways to become happy, involving scented candles and stuff like that. With more of their “secrets” to happiness, you’re bound to become one of the happiest people around.

Here are seven MORE secrets to happiness out of maybe 1000. They claim that these secrets will lead you to true joy, not quickie mood boosts. True happiness that will make you feel blissful forever and after.

Cosmopolitan concedes that no matter how much evidence they may cite to the contrary, happiness is not about things. Happiness isn’t about designer handbags or designer dresses or designer boyfriends. But what’s happiness? What’s the ticket to bliss? What’s the road to enlightenment and happy land?

Well, the first item is a hilarious group of friendos, as Sarah Haskins would say. Cosmopolitan calls it a “solid core group of friends” which does sound rather sedate and sensible. However, we know what they really mean.

Sex and the City.

And indeed, that is what the writer of this article says.

Look at Carrie from Sex and the City. Through everything from Post-it Note breakups to snapped stilettos, she is generally one happy camper. Why? She has her posse.

If you have a bunch of hilarious girl friends just like Carrie in Sex and the City, you will be able to live through such trauma as snapped stilettos and men who are jerk enough to break up with you with a post-it note. Even Taylor Swift’s break up with Joe Jonas over the phone on her birthday couldn’t compare to that. Let’s hope that the country music star had a group of friendos, besides Abigail.

As a matter of fact, I do have my hilarious group of friendos. There’s A, J, P, and me. We lived through my very traumatic non break up with a guy I never dated. None of my nonexistent stilettos snapped, but I offered to “break in” J’s black pumps.

To nurture this wonderful group of giggling girl friends, you need to be open and spill all your secrets. Gossip helps girls bond. An expert tells the magazine that we could spill our secret desires to audition for American Idol. Which I don’t want to do. I have spilled many secrets with my friends, and miraculously, my secrets ended up being spilled to people I didn’t even know. But it’s all in the interests of establishing openness!

Next, try to have some adventures. No, it was NOT the time (I quote) that you studied really really hard and got an A minus. That is not an adventure. Yawn. Like the naughty things you did with your professor. Now that’s an adventure.

[Insert profound quote by Ph. D. author of profound book.]

Ok…

Awkward.

When they say adventure, it doesn’t mean running away and climbing mountains, unless you bring a hot but totally random guy with you. It means wearing extraslinky minidresses. Why not go ahead and walk around naked? That’s adventurous. It also means doing stuff with your professor or lab assistant or boss.

Oh, and doing the right thing doesn’t lead to happiness. Apparently. So remember that the next time you want to be all good and do the right thing.

Don’t forget to throw away stuff you don’t really need. It’s a well known fact that we women have trouble throwing away stuff we really don’t need. Our closets are filled with clothes that don’t fit us and haven’t fit us for years. (And, I might add, will never fit us again.)

The moment you see something you haven’t pined over for at least six months, immediately throw it out. Otherwise you’ll get all weepy. “I wore this sweater when I went on a date with my first boyfriend… he was such a jerk…”

There are a couple of glowsticks in my desk drawer. *sniffle* They belonged to this guy I liked but who didn’t like me… years ago… when I was 12. I’ve kept them ever since. He was cute, and had nice arms. And he always dressed well even though he looked like Curious George from the popular Sunday morning cartoon.

*sob*

Excuse me while I get some tissues.

You can also weep over the artifacts with you group of best friendos.

Have a balance of busy and dead times. That means you have to have a time to be busy, and a time to be dead. Just kidding. They did say that you have to pee time. So remember to take those breaks to go pee! All those holding stuff in is not good for your bladder. Take it from one who knows. Oh, was that too much info? I’m sorry.

But sitting on the couch idling your time away watching Lifetime is bad for you too. You know the toll that can take on your figure. You must have a mix of zipping around but you must take the pee breaks in front of the TV watching lifetime. Cosmopolitan says to fill your days with stuff you love and stuff you have to do like going to the bathroom. You can also meditate (the writer states that you don’t HAVE to lie in the dark chanting om for ten hours) but you can take eight minutes to chant all your om‘s.

I started and by 4 minutes I was chanting “nom nom nom.”

This may surprise many, but the other ticket to happiness involves giving in to temptation.

We as women are taught not to give in to temptation. We prayed at night before bedtime not to be led into temptation “but deliver us from the evil one.” However, as we aged into the teenage years, we started to learn that temptation was cool and hot. Drugs? Fast cars? Yeah, baby. Hot sparkly vampire guys that are forbidden to us? Bring it ON. Then of course we left that stage. We grew up. Temptation wasn’t so cool anymore. Right now, our lives are mundane and boring. The vampires of our youth aren’t even there to break things up.

You log overtime at work, hit the gym religiously, stick to a low-fat, no-fun diet, and even remember birthdays. Or maybe you aren’t quite so type A. But you still get to work on time, kiss your boss’s a** when you’d rather kick it, and play nice to your folks. Face it, making it in this world takes some serious discipline, regardless of your personality profile.

And face it, my lady friends (and some of you guys out there), logging overtime at work and going to the gym and dieting and remembering birthdays and getting to work on time and playing nice with the family is BORING.

Period.

We face a lot of pressure keeping up. Even though Facebook does its best to help us remember birthdays, we still have to write the facebook messages on our friends’ walls. We have to be nice to our boss when he is mean and sexist and a bunch of other things. (Add to that the fact that he’s not the adventurous type, if you get my drift. See the second way to be happy.)

The solution? You must indulge. That means balancing out “cheap and easy ways to be happy” with expensive and gourmet. Buy gourmet sandwiches for lunch instead of that old leftovers from home. Surf Facebook and procrastinate instead of replying to your email. Be nice to yourself. Get rid of boredom and say hello to indulgence!

You must also like yourself. Remember the time when you forgot someone’s name and introduced him as Bill instead of Bob? And then you beat yourself up. You must like yourself. That means no beating yourself over the head when you stammer in front of the cute guy and then proceed to dump your drink down your front. Such things happen. They are a normal part of life. You must remember to like yourself through all parts of life, and not just the unembarrassing ones.

Excuse me while I go beat my head on the wall for spilling my drink over his front instead of mine.

You can also stop bashing yourself in the head for the slight crook in your nose.

Don’t browse mentally. You know you do it. Like when you’re shopping and wondering whether to go for the Simply Seductive perfume or Brazenly Beautiful perfume. You get the Brazenly Beautiful for the date, then decide that maybe Simply Seductive was better. Even worse, you go home wondering whether it was Brazenly Beautiful’s fault that you didn’t have a good time.

We women do it at restaurants. I sit at the seat wondering whether I should go for the soup, or the tilapia, or both; and then feel like a pig when I get both. Or I get only the soup and my stomach becomes all nasty on me when I drive home.

And when choosing a partner.  Sometimes our choices are restricted to Hot Guy or Hot Guy? Hot Guy or Hot Guy? Sometimes it’s merely Plain Guy or Plain Guy. But that’s all beside the point, because what we’re doing is wrong and we should STOP. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars.

You don’t realize that you’re just making yourself unhappy. Make a decision and stick with it. It doesn’t matter whether you use Simply Seductive or Brazenly Beautiful. Despite what Cosmopolitan and other magazines may have to say about the subject *coff coff* of getting a certain kind of food rather than another, it really doesn’t matter.

In fact, Cosmo encourages us to choose two characteristics that are important to you that distinguish Hot Guy from Hot Guy. Ask yourself if they’re being met. Then go for it. “Relax. You’ve made the right choice… or at least one that’s going to make you happy.”

I dare you to go to any women’s magazines website and google the words “perfume” or “hot guys” or  ”makeup.” And read what they say. Chances are you already know what they say.

So in this lesson, we’ve learned about the Seven Ways to buy a ticket to happiness. Using these steps, you will not only buy a ticket, but will also get onto the Happiness Train to the land of Happiness where everyone eats ice cream and doesn’t get fat. Remember to get a group of hilarious friendos ala Sex and the City, throw away stuff you don’t need, don’t browse mentally between two different kinds of perfume or two hot guys, and remember to say om om om for eight minutes.

It’s all about your happiness, remember?

How to be Happy: Cosmo style! Part I

So far we’ve looked at Oprah’s ways to be happy, which told us to disregard our dirty bathrooms to be happy. Then we looked at Real Simple, which then urged us to please regard our dirty bathrooms to gain happiness. Glamour came along and told us to run around naked. Then Marie Claire ran after us, urging us to please move to Sweden for our only chance at happiness (which somehow equated to our boyfriends pushing baby buggies while we worked as a famous and beautiful and glamourous editor at some prestigious magazine). Thoroughly confused, we flipped through the latest edition of Cosmopolitan and found…

… and found…

…

You’re just dying from the suspense, aren’t you?

Anything from Cosmopolitan would probably include doing something with a nekkid man and an ice cube. They have some pretty interesting ideas of happiness. Like spending a whole month with not one, not two, but three… fill in the blank. That’s what you’d expect of them, right? They’re known for their sex tips above anything else, after all.

Take a look at the list of most popular topics:

*shrugs*

Despite this, they are still viewed by many as an expert on true happiness.

True happiness has three options, as it turns out.

A. Cheap and Easy Ways to Happiness.

Who says the road to nirvana is lined with megabucks and designer handbags? Experts are now discovering it’s the little (and often free!) things that lead to true happiness — like these bliss boosters.

Only this magazine would use words like “bliss booster.” Notice the alliteration. It’s eye-catching and made to make you feel like these tips are so credible… right. And who’s the one who’s talking about designer handbags all the time, anyway? *coff coff*

B. Seven secrets to happiness.

True joy — not quickie mood boosts but that totally stoked mental state — boils down to these surprising essentials. Behold, your ticket to bliss.

And lo, the magazine article was published online, and declaimed …

Note the word “quickie.” Just do it. Now think of what people use the word “quickie” for.

Yes, that’s right.

C. 24 shortcuts to a happy life.

You could get Botox for those frown lines… or try these surprisingly simple moves that will keep a perma-smile on your face.

Everything, according to Cosmo, is simple. Surprisingly simple moves to hot sex. Surprisingly simple ways to get married, after the hot sex. The writers seem to live perpetually surprised at the simplicity of life. For instance, some people believe that happiness is a road that takes long to travel on. No, says Cosmo. That is not true. Instead, you take 24 shortcuts and detours, and get to your destination (the land of happiness) in a much shorter time.

So we will look at these topics, but one at a time. Simply because Cosmopolitan is such an expert at happiness that they have more tips than any of the other magazines.

We’ll start with the cheap and easy ways to get happy. In this sucky economy, we women jump at the word “cheap.” We want to have fun and be happy, but we have no money. We either find ourselves scrimping and saving, or forgoing happiness entirely. We gaze at the expensive handbags in Cosmopolitan and Glamour, and envy the happy models holding the expensive handbags. And we are not happy.

But no longer. For Cosmopolitan itself has cheap and easy ways to become happy. They have good news for us! They dragged out the information from the psychology people and published them for our benefit! I’m thinking torture, with a rack and perhaps confiscation of a few favorite pieces of cosmetics. Or designer handbags.

One of their get happy quickly and cheaply tricks involves a cheap sunflower. It looks like a person (AHHHHH!!!!) and has associations with the sun (DUH) and the colors of its petals make people feel happy.

Unlike most people, I get creeped out by things that look like people. Does my dog look like a person? AHHHH!!!! Does my flower look like a person? AHHHHH!!!!

Instead of feeling happiness, I would run the other direction.

You can also feel happy when you eat. Contrary to popular notion, food is good. It has the power to make you feel happy. So to eat with a big smile on your face, choose a white plate.

…

Yes, a white plate. White plates are proven to make food taste better by making you feel happier. Didn’t you know that?

Rainbows make you feel happy, too. So choose food with a variety of colors. Skittles are great. They make me feel happy, and they come in every color of the rainbow. I also especially love gummy bears. Those come in different colors. However, they come mostly in red, which has been proven to make you want to eat more. Skittles and gummy bears may not be exactly healthy, but they make you feel happy.

The point is to feel the happiness.

You could always say “no” as well. Do you know why toddlers are so fond of saying “no”? Because it feels so good! That’s why teenagers say no a lot as well. Because saying the word “no” gives us the the feeling that we have power. Power over our future, our destiny, and the big person called “mommy” who’s trying to tell us what to do.

Practice. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

Or what about lighting a scented candle for no reason? Sources recommend lighting a scented candle for “entertaining and hookups.” *coff coff* But because you are so amazing and worth it, you should light a scented candle not for the hot hookup or your friends or your five course dinner, but for YOU and YOU alone. Try lavender of green apple. Those have been proven through much research and much lighting of scented candles to make people happy.

You could also forget the dirty bathroom. Come on, there’s something to this here. Oprah says it. So does Cosmo. They tell us to let that laundry slide for a weekend. Instead, read a good book (code: trashy romance novel).

Or paint the house. Colors like blue and green are ideal. Yellow is cool if you want to feel cheery, though I heard from an interior designer friend that people get really angry in yellow rooms. Yellow is just like that.

Finally, drink some beer. Guzzle it down. It helps you rehydrate and prevents muscle pain.

Who knew? Beer can “help” people get past difficult times. But who knew that it could also help your muscles?

So those are your cheap and easy ways to become happy. We’ve learned about the benefits of saying “no,” the benefits of using scented candles for other things than hookups, nice sunflowers that look like people, and beer.

If anything, you now have an excuse for drinking beer.

Stay tuned for the seven secrets to happiness!

How to be Happy: The Real Simple Way

We have studied numerous ways to be happy. We have studied how to ignore the chores that need to be done in favor of a more carefree lifestyle, where the bathroom is always locked and we know the manager of the gas station. We have envisioned ourselves as golden statues and considered moving to Sweden, until our families rebelled. We have also walked around naked and taken showers in the dark. Afterwards we put some pretty band aids on the cuts and scrapes that ensued from barking our shins on the handle of the bathroom cabinet.

But how about the Real Simple way to be happy, as told by Real Simple magazine writers? The Real Simple way is, of course, real simple. So simple, your dog could probably do it. Or your baby.

Readers of this magazine know that Real Simple is the queen of lists. Need something done? They’ve broken it down for you in some helpful little steps. Preferably 10. Need to know what clothes to wear? They’ve arranged a list, with pictures. Need to know how to broil a steak? Buy peanut butter? Buy a gift for a friend? The list (pun intended) goes on.

The same procedure goes for happiness.

As simplicity goes, they have supplied us with a real simple list of real simple stuff you can do to reach happiness in the next half hour. Nine short things. How much more real simple can you get? In living a simple yet fulfilling life, lists are key.

The opening paragraph offers encouragement. Come on ladies, this isn’t too hard after all. Happiness is effort, but it isn’t that hard to be happy once you put your mind to it.

Being happier doesn’t have to be a long-term ambition. You can start right now. In the next 30 minutes, tackle as many of the following suggestions as possible. Not only will these tasks themselves increase your happiness, but the mere fact that you’ve achieved some concrete goals will boost your mood.

So, not only will you start walking on the road to happiness which will lead to a glorious sunset, you can also lift the dark crowds by tackling happiness as you would a to-do list. Write it down on a piece of paper. Then tackle the goals one by one. Remember to start right now. And try to do as much as possible, because nothing feels better than tackling a long to do list and accomplishing the goals listed on it. And nothing feels worse than not accomplishing a list.

And remember, this list is only supposed to take 30 minutes. So let’s see how long it takes us to reach true happiness.

1. Raise your activity level. This involves standing up and pacing when you’re on the phone. If you’re like me and you still have one of those old fashioned phones that actually have a cord, you might end up tangled in a knot, and your activity level will increase as you attempt to detangle yourself while fending off the mother of the girl your daughter accidentally knocked over in an enthusiastic game of freeze tag.

You can also put some more energy in your voice. You can either be bubbly or cheery…

Or you can yell.

Talking on the phone to annoying lady = 2 hours.

2. Take a walk outside. Something to do with sunlight and chemicals. I never was that good with chemistry. I think they mean that you have to take a walk while it is sunny, because it will make you happy.

Taking walk = 2 hours. You had to stop to chat. You also had to stop because your dog took a poo under someone’s mailbox and you had to clean it up because said neighbor gave you dirty looks.

3. Reach out. Send an email to someone you haven’t seen in a while. Facebook is good. Recently I actually went through my friends’ list and left notes on people’s walls. I didn’t know who they were, but anyway… I’m sure it had the effect of one of those strangers that randomly wave at you and smile even though you don’t know them.

Reaching out = procrastinating on Facebook + getting distracted on applications + stalking your old flame + actually reaching out= 3 hours

4. Rid yourself of a nagging task. Like all the stuff on this wonderful happiness list. You know that if you don’t raise your activity level, the first item on this list, it will nag at the back of your mind until you do it. Then after you raise your activity level, you’ll take a walk outside, and then spend some time on facebook, and then… “Crossing an irksome chore off your to-do list will give you a rush of elation.”

So far = 7 hours

5. Serenity is key. Create a serene environment of order and peace. Spend some time organizing. Remember the toilet that was dirty yet got passed over for doing something happier? TACKLE THAT TOILET NOW. Otherwise it will be the only dark spot in your serene and clean and organized home. It will help you be peaceful inside. Zen is good.

Serenity = Cleaning toilet + organizing bills + organizing mail + looking for cleaning supplies for toilet = 1 hour and a half

6. Do a good deed. Such good deeds, according to the writer, consist of setting your single friends up, passing along “useful information” or praising people.

Doing good deed = setting single friends up by email + realizing that single friends aren’t single anymore + fending off complaints from a misunderstanding + passing along the 10 forwards in your inbox warning against chaynmessagia flu + spending some time in tears in the bathroom = 10 hours

7. Save someone’s life. No, don’t jump in front of a car or something. But in the event that you do, be an organ donor.

Takes all of five minutes to sign up.

But telling the family… now that takes longer. How long? Let’s say 1 hour because of some misunderstanding.

8. Act happy. Fake it till you feel it. Plaster that smile on your face, girl, and the feelings will come! A grin can make you feel happy, even if it’s fake. I wonder why that doesn’t work for plastic surgery.

Like the Botox thing that supposedly keeps you from becoming depressed. Or helps depression. Whichever.

But by grinning fakely while the gossipy friend drones on and on and on… you will actually feel happy instead of wanting to spear her with your stiletto or something.

Acting happy = 24 hours and then some to massage face muscles

9. Learn something new. Buy a book about something you’ve always wanted to know. Or read about it on the internet.

I believe that if you read magazines like Glamour or Cosmopolitan, you’ll know all the information you ever wanted to know, like 10 different ways to use ice. Or the best bathing suits. Or the secrets that men know but won’t ever tell you but will tell a staff of a big magazine for a few bucks. Or if you ever wanted to know what your man thinks when you cook him a nice meal. After all, men are items to be decoded, as much as women are. What would we do without these magazines? Subscribe to them. Subscribe to all of them.

I also learn new things from the tabloids every day when I go to the supermarket. Like Jon and Kate? Wooo.

Time? Perhaps a couple of hours or more every day.

Now let’s add them all together. I got roughly 52 hours! That’s like two whole days.

But at least you know that you’re one short list and two whole days nearer to happiness.

How to be Happy: Glamour Style

Oprah and Marie Claire have shared their respective secrets for happiness. So of course Glamour has to get into the game, right? Right.

They have devoted numerous articles to this subject. I will look at at least two.

In the first, one of the bloggers on staff posted about a Harvard Study that supposedly found the three true secrets of happiness. By that, you should take that to mean that these are the ULTIMATE secrets to happiness. Final.

At least until another study proves that chocolate is the true secret to happiness.

The next study involves Botox.

Anyway, in the happiness study, said Glamour, 268 Harvard sophomores were asked to participate for a whopping 72 years. This study, which started in 1937, tracked these sophomores as they grew old and died.

And at the end of this study, what did they find?

The Three True Secrets of Happeeness.

Guaranteed.

1. Have a healthy outlet for stress. A few days ago, my grandmother came to our house and started lecturing us on how we have to be understanding of my father and let him blow his top when he gets angry. I said something to the effect of “but being understanding doesn’t mean that him blowing his top and hurting people is acceptable.”

Her reply? “You want him to DIE!”

Um, no. I just want him to take up running.

So… running is a healthy outlet for stress. So is photography. I write and snark on certain places. It lets me release my stress without doing bad thing.

2. Don’t take life too seriously. Smile. Accept the ups and downs. Easier said than done, sure. But don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Grouches don’t get married, except to those with grouch fetishes.

Or as the Joker says: “Why so serious?”

3. Finally, share zee happeeness with zee WORLD! If you’re like me and are like a recluse, you will never be happy. The happy people are those who have relationships with friends and family and go out and eat with their friends and stuff. Remember a past post where another site told us that having a relationship is a good key to happiness? Well, it’s true. In a sense.

The blogger adds her own thoughts:

(Have you ever taken a vacation alone or eaten dinner alone at a restaurant? Don’t you end up wanting to share the experience with a loved one?)

No, I haven’t. Because I don’t go to restaurants alone. I stay home. And if I take a vacation alone, it’s because I want some downtime from all the crazy people begging for my attention. (Kidding. Love you guys.)

The blogger added a postscript at the end, leaving the readers with some other tips to feel happy.

P.S. Feel-better moves: Wear red lipstick and shower in the dark and walk around naked and fly a kite and bake a cake with Pop Rocks and have an orgasm and wash your bras for once (ha!)

For there is a certain magic to wearing red lipstick (I believe it made men swarm around the blogger), showering in the dark (a sweet-smelling candle adds to the magic, and may even make you feel good after you fall with your face into the toilet), walking around naked (Um. “I could run around naked, free as a bird!”), and washing your bra. You wouldn’t believe how many women do not wash their bras.

What’s the other secret to happiness?

Botox.

You might think that Botox can only make you happy by its power to make you beautiful and expressionless. However, there’s more to Botox than a lack of expression, not the mention that you don’t get parenthesis on your face.

The girls in the beauty department at Glamour read an article about how Botox can treat clinical depression. Basically the expressions you make can have an effect on how you feel. So you if you smile, you will feel happy. If you look like a grouch, you will be a grouch. What you look like determines how you feel. I myself have read about this study before, and it’s interesting. A doctor injected some people with Botox until their brows weren’t all gross and wrinkly, and the after two months, a psychologist evaluated these people. He determined that nine of the ten people who had been depressed were no longer depressed.

You have to continue the Botox treatments to be happy, though.

Not very cost effective, right?

The banishment of a few wrinkles can make your life so much better.

So if you’re feeling unhappy, remember the Three Ultimate Tips for finding Happiness, besides other stuff like wearing red lipstick and walking around naked.

Finally, don’t forget the beauty treatment that can actually make you happy. Botox.

Happy Expressionlessness!

How to be Happy: Marie Claire style

In my last post, I looked at Oprah’s tips on how to be a happy person. It involved thinking of yourself as a golden statue and avoiding bathrooms that needed cleaning, among other things. In this post, we’ll see how Marie Claire magazine handles their tips for happiness.

As far as I can see, they have two main topics.

The first one is “How to be Single and Happy.”

The second is about “The World’s Best Country for Women.”

I’ll look at both.

How can one be single and happy? According to those at Marie Claire, it is possible. For those who have believed for a long time that happiness means having a man at your side, you are sort of right, unless you’re dating the wrong kind of guy. We live a world where we have been conditioned to believe that happiness does not come to those who are single, and Marie Claire certainly adds to our impression of this on certain occasions.

At the same time, how are you going to attract someone if you’re always unhappy?

It’s impossible, unless he has a grouch fetish.

So for the sake of your future Facebook relationship status, please be happy.

Maura Kelly, a blogger for this magazine’s website, talked to Gretchen Rubin, who is the author of a blog called The Happiness Project. Does being in a relationship make you happier? She asked for advice on how to feel all right about her single status.

Remember how much freedom you have, as a single person. You don’t have to coordinate your schedule with anyone else’s. You have all the time you want to go to the gym, see old friends, make new ones, take classes, meet new people—whatever you feel like doing. Don’t focus on what you think you’re missing. Focus on all you can do.

Ok, that’s great. Then Kelly asks, “Are people who are in relationships actually happier than those of us who aren’t?”

Gretchen concedes that there is much happiness that comes from having someone there. However, there are ways to find the same benefits by having some strong relationships with friends. If you have trouble finding friends, just put yourself out there. Find a club with something you’re interested in. I like books, so I should go to a book club. (Too bad the only book club around here is for romance novel enthusiasts.)

Kelly suddenly recalls that saying to herself, “I should be on the look-out for someone to flirt with” makes her want to talk to people. She realizes that to be able to flirt well, she has to be happy and confident about herself. Gretchen tells her that if Kelly wants to be set up on a date, she has to set other people up on dates. Someday someone will return the favor.

To be good at flirting, you can’t be gloomy. Set people up on dates, and someday someone will set you up. To be released from the curse of singlehood, be happy. Come on. You can do it.

Finally, if that doesn’t work, move to another country! Marie Claire states:

If you want to be happy, healthy, and powerful, you might consider packing your bags and moving to a picturesque country on the other side of the Atlantic.

No subtlety there. But where?

Sweden.

Somewhere reported that Sweden was the #1 place for ladies like us to live. There is reference to some Swedish girl named Ebba who is the woman who has everything. She’s the perfect example of what women become when they go to Sweden.

Part of it is because Sweden has a pro-female culture, with equal rights and female politicians and stuff like that. It’s Barbie’s dream. Male toddlers are encouraged to play with dollies, while females play with toy tractors. (I would so have had the toy tractors have relationships with each other. No kidding.) They have to learn metalworking, woodworking. Both sexes.

Do they allow the little girls to play with dolls?

And girls outperform the boys in college. Girl power!

Which of course leads to the men pushing the baby buggies, as a website quoted in the article states.

I have pictures of my friend when he was in Sweden. I think he actually was here, and was sitting around there somewhere. He's not in this picture though.

Before you pack your bags, though, there is a dark spot in all this flawless whiteness.

Drugstore lipstick costs 15 bucks.

NOOOOOoooooo

After stating that fact, the writer goes on to say that families watch Sex and the City together. It’s a perk. Right? Right?

Sweden’s acceptance of women as the aggressors in relationships has its perks: Anna-Maria regularly dates three or four men at a time without social disapproval.

Oh, ok.

In conclusion:

So is Sweden the ultimate sisterhood heaven? The verdict, of course, depends on your point of view: Japanese women live longer, American women earn higher salaries, Greek women have lower rates of breast cancer, and according to one poll, Italian men are better kissers. Overall, though, Swedish women seem happy with their lot. “I’ve traveled to many countries,” says magazine editor Ebba. “But life in Sweden is truly special for women. There’s nowhere else I’d rather live.”

My friend took this picture when he was on an escalator in Sweden.

So here’s reasons why you should move to Sweden.

1. People are happee there, so you will be happee there.
2. Female friendly.
3. Little kids play with tractors and dolls.
4. Girls get better grades than boys.
5. Men push baby buggies.
6. You can date as many men as you want.
7. Women are cops and are good at it.
8. You can finally pay for dates.
9. You can hit on guys and no one will blink an eye.
10. You can date as many men as you want and no one will think you’re weird or a slut.
11. Sex and the City is a family show.
12. You can sleep with whomever you want, as often as you want to. (I hope that they have a program against STDs.)
13. If you get preggers you have more time off.
14. Toilets there are unisex. No lines. But the chance to do stuff in there. Like, stuff. Use your imagination.
15. But we’re just… just… so happy!!

And there you have it.

How to be Happy: Oprah Style

Part of the ingredients for Perfection is Happiness.

However, this particular brand of happiness is quite elusive. Many have tried to pursue Happiness and failed miserably (no pun intended). Without finding the happiness that they have sought, they have died without ever getting a significant other, finding the perfect facewash that banished their Miley Cyrus acne, or finding a bra that fit them correctly.

Is there any hope for any of us?

Yes, there is. The magazines have all put their individual heads together and thought about what happiness means, and how to get happy, and how to stay happy. We have Oprah, Marie Claire, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, Real Simple, and Shine! Yahoo. Surely with six major authorities thinking about this matter, we can’t miss out on our chance of happiness. Right?

Well, you’ll see.

In six posts, I will write about these individual magazine/places’ tips about happiness. In this post, we will look at Oprah.

Oprah says that there are five things every happy woman does. Read the writer’s tips, and you’re sure to find their special secrets for happiness! Yay!

It starts with,

Sages going back to Socrates have offered advice on how to be happy, but only now are scientists beginning to address this question with systematic, controlled research… we canvassed the leading experts on what happy people have in common — and why it’s worth trying to become one of them.

First, they start off by finding their most golden self. Upon reading this, I thought of self-tanner, which is supposed to make people feel good about themselves. But no. Think of yourself as a “golden figurine that would be revealed by cracking away an outer layer of cheap pottery (the person’s baser exterior).” That line was followed by some stuff that sounded like it was in a different language. But yes, I get that. I’ve thought about it for some time, though not in such flowery terms. I think they’re saying that if you try to take on new challenges, the pottery that is your baser exterior will fall away to reveal your inner goldenness.

This can also be taken as a metaphor. Say you don’t look like a model. However, after climbing some more mountains and stuff, you will look like a model and be happy. The fat will melt away, revealing a thinner, more beautiful you.

<—- Somehow I can’t help thinking of this. Ugh.

Next, you design your life to bring in joy. You have to analyze your life. Your happiness is something that you and only you can control. So by designing your life in a way that an interior designer would design a beautiful house, you can call in the happiness to live in you. Or something like that.

It’s a well known fact that unhappy people do not design their houses beautifully and so need people like Oprah to tell them how to design it beautifully.

But come on, it’s as easy as not doing the things you don’t want to know and doing the things you want to do…

… right?

Schkade says that if you transfer even an hour of your day from an activity you hate (commuting, scrubbing the bathroom) to one you like (reading, spending time with friends), you should see a significant improvement in your overall happiness. Taking action is key.

Forget the grungy bathroom that needs scrubbing! Forget the toilet that needs plunging! Forget that the sink isn’t going to clean itself! Just lose yourself in a romance novel! Come on girl, take action!

I can see a lot of visits to the gas station down the road in your future.

Also, don’t think “if only” fantasies. Those are useless and can only get you down. “If only I cleaned the toilet” is just going to make your life better, not worse. The toilet is not going to be cleaned in the pursuit of happiness anyway, so just forget it. “If only” isn’t going to make you any thinner. Thinking of yourself as a golden Buddha statue is.

There’s something about hedonic adaption which I didn’t quite understand. Maybe if I understood that would be the key. I don’t know. Reading about the brain’s natural dimming effect is making me all woozy. So you’ll have to forgive me.

Happy people put their best friends first. After themselves and redesigning their lives, of course. You must always come first. Take the time to talk to that cool friend instead of running around trying to talk to everyone.

The last point: allow yourself to be happy! Don’t feel guilty for having fun. Don’t feel guilty about that toilet that is so clogged with poo that you will need a bulldozer to unclog it.

By being happy, you’ll make other people happy too.

Just forget about that bathroom … oh shoot.