Posts filed under ‘Perfect Men’
In my past post, I evaluated seven of the 15 ways to pick up a guy this summer. But not just any guy. The Man of Your Dreams. The One.
These ways included such skills as acting like a total fool, and staring dreamily out of windows, waiting for your prince to come.
So let’s start where we left off: with Way 8.
Way 8: Get sweaty! No, not the way you think. Which is probably X rated anyway. The authorities give an example of a young woman who found a fabulous boyfriend after joining a kickball team. If it worked for her, chances are it will work for you too. Plus the teams are full of athletic, fun-loving guys. Plus you can play off stress that stems from not having a boyfriend while giving yourself a chance to meet a boy.
Way 9: Hit offbeat dating sites. <insert picture of woman kissing laptop>
If you’re tired of seeing the same disappointing profiles, don’t give up on online dating all together.
You just haven’t been looking in the right places. You’ve got to find some weird, geekier places. Try searching “online dating” plus your favorite hobby. You’ll be guaranteed to find some mighty interesting people that way. Have fun, and don’t let the herpes get you down.
When all else fails, bring on the laptop LURVVVV just like the blissful lady in the stock photo.
Way 10: Learn how his stomach thinks. According to another woman, the best place to meet guys is a restaurant. Chances are there will be a line of cute guys. And thus the chance to strike up a deep and meaningful conversation with a total stranger. While gazing deeply into his eyes over some chicken pot pie. And leaving, gazing longingly at the other while promising to keep in touch and exchange phone numbers.
By the way, learning how his stomach thinks implies that you have a guy in mind already. To strike up a conversation with him which would ultimately lead to love and a lifetime of gazing into each other’s eyes over a chicken pot pie dinner, one must know which restaurants he frequents, and follow him there.
Way 11: Make more female friends. Girl friends are awesome. They can help us out in the recycling plant business, among other things. However, they’re a stepping stool to a brighter future. You can actually use your female friends as a way to get to the man of your dreams. So when you go to a party, make a beeline for the most social, outgoing woman you can find. Not the hunk hanging around the hors de’oevres. (I think I spelled that wrong, too.) But the lady.
… An outgoing girl can be a fabulous gateway to a great guy.
Girl friends are not only the women we cry on after devastating breakups. They are recycling plant members, stepping stools, and gateways to a brighter future.
You can also stalk their Facebook pages searching for hot guys.
Way 12: Go to a coffee shop at 8 AM. According to blogger, it’s a “no-brainer way to make friends.” Like, duh. *bonks head*
Like, guy friends, in case you didn’t realize.
Because of the early time, guys won’t hit on girls. They’ll just be friendly and cute. Because there isn’t any alcohol, they won’t do bad things. Who knew how alcohol could change a person? You might want to reconsider the Twitter/Bar arrangement.
The only challenge is being chatty. But after 3 cups of coffee with 10 packets of artificial sweetener, you’ll have no problems.
Way 13: Conversation pieces are great things. Like the lady in the blog post who carried a cello around and ended up striking conversations with random people. While this was more of an accident than anything, it also works if you do it on purpose.
Because like girl friends, conversation pieces are a stepping stool to a better world.
Puppies are also good. They’re cute, fluffy, and people like to pet them. While they’re petting your poor innocent pup, you with your bright red lipstick (I am not making this up) will make a move on the hunk. Word for word, the blogger states, “So borrow a friend’s dog, put on red lipstick, and you’re good to go.”
Did they say “borrow”?
Yes, you read that right.
Meanwhile, as I have no talkative girlfriends who have puppies, I’m going to walk around my town and carry a toilet. Anyone care to join me?
Way 14: Movie night. This is sort of like the recycling plant idea, or the Tweet Bar idea, but more overt. You have to each invite five people that the other persons have not met. So start it with two people, and end up with 11. You can either stare at each others’ friends awkwardly, or you can talk about general stuff, or you can hit it off famously, or you can just sit and watch the movie and binge on popcorn. As you can see, you have lots of options.
I have no idea why the girl in the picture they used looks naked.
They recommend three movies: Surfwise, Man on Wire, and American Teen. Never heard of any of them.
Anyone up for a good ol’ Star Wars marathon?
You can eat all the popcorn yourself.
Because this email conveys all the desperation and loneliness of a woman near to cracking point. And spam is the way to a man’s heart.
The funny thing is, all her friends emailed her back with suggestions, willing to set her up with some men. Though she was worried about sounding desperate (hehe, um, haha), she came off as honest instead. People were willing to set her up as a result.
Honesty is the best policy in such a case. If you’re desperate, be honest about it. If you are tired of being alone, be honest about it. Maybe some kind person will have a little pity on you and set you up with the Man of your Dreams.
So now that you have all the ways to meet the man of your dreams this summer, what are you waiting for? Go out there and do it, girl. Guys, play along. Who knows what will happen? Some of these ways may look pretty foolish, like carrying a borrowed puppy, but hey, they supposedly work. Who am I to question the love bloggers? And if you meet a girl who looks overloaded on caffeine at 8 in the morning at a random coffee shop, do not blink your eyes. Do NOT. It is all in the quest for the man of her dreams, who might be well be you.
Glamour recently blogged about 15 ways to meet the man of our dreams this summer.
I clicked the link, hoping for sage advice and tried and true wisdom.
Imagine my disappointment when I saw a short paragraph that only listed one way to meet the man of our dreams.
In the sentence after that short paragraph, the blogger linked to an awesome slideshow of 10 more ways to meet men. Then she quickly listed another four ways to meet men in yet another short sentence:
I suppose that counts as 15 ways. Way to go, blogger. Get all our hopes up with the title, then show us one measly little way, and then link to 14 other ways that someone else wrote about. Now we have to go click click click through the website to get to read about all the different ways there are to meet the man of our dreams. Grumble grumble.
Here are the first seven ways to meet the man of your dreams.
Way 1: Host an outdoor summer picnic. You can make it obvious that you just want to pick up a guy by inviting all your very best girl friends and instructing them to bring their cute single guy friends AND their male friends so you can give them the once-over. Cover this up by saying, “The more [single guys] the merrier!” This picnic is not complete without PBJ sandwiches and juice boxes. Or hula hoops. Or bubbles. Or frisbees. Or water balloons and egg spoons. Bring out your inner goofball!
The key is to break the ice, so you can really connect with the guys.
Which, loosely translated, means “act like a desperate idiot so the guys will look at you all the time.”
It’s all in the name of Love.
Everyone will loosen up, laugh and have an awesome time — and you just might make a love connection!
Then I went to the slideshow of Ten Best Ways to meet the Guy of your Dreams. Yup. And I had to do some sleuthing around because the blogger messed up when she linked to it. Boo.
Way 2: Shop your friends’ friends. This involves some casual but crafty Facebook shopping. “Combine your love of online shopping with the best way to meet great guys.” You can play a cute game called “I Spy a Cute Guy.” Simply stated, look for some who is cute but also single. If his profile is private, and all Facebook profiles are typically private unless they’re that desperate, check with your friend. “Teehee, can you introduce me to him?” *insert vacuous giggling* The pressure is supposedly off because Facebook isn’t an online dating site (but now it is, since you made it so). Know each other as friends and go from there.
There’s a slight risk that your girl friends will know you as the “gal who asks about all their single Facebook guy friends.” But that shouldn’t matter in the quest for love. At all.
Way 3: Brush up on the news. Gather information. This isn’t to impress guys, though they do like smart girls. This is for your own good. No, really. Try to at least appear smart for goodness’ sake. This includes making CNN your home page on the internet (so when you happen to casually browse the web in front of a cute guy…) and subscribing to a magazine called The Week which takes each week’s news stories and makes them fascinating “talking points.” You can start a conversation with just about ANYONE. Guaranteed. Yup.
Way 4: Send a love-sparking tweet. All good women should have a Twitter account. For not only is it a wonderful way to know what’s going on in the world, it is a wonderful way to strike up a romance that will last your life. I use it to talk to myself, but that’s a different story altogether.
Send a tweet on Friday afternoon that you’re meeting friends at your favorite pub for a spontaneous happy hour… tell your “followers” to bring their friends. You’re bound to meet new people, and even if they’re not single, they might know someone to fix you up with later.
This will work perfectly for me, because all my followers are not from my state or my hometown, with the exception of a female blogger and one guy I’m well acquainted with. In fact, most of them are the nicest sort. They’re creepy stalker people who like seeing videos of Britney Spears naked.
Way 5: Spend some quality time alone. <insert picture of happy, beautiful woman staring dreamily out a window at a restaurant> Spending time by yourself is a good way to meet some wonderful guy. The key is looking happy and content.
I’ve heard that thinking happy thoughts will help. That or practicing a fake happy smile.
Here’s another way why it works. Packs of women scare men. Really.
And I’m sure that guys will notice the woman at the restaurant who always sits, dreamily gazing out of the window, with a happy smile with much promise of romance and love. Day after day after day after day. It is so normal, and totally not weird.
Way 6: Just say yes. Accept those invites to the parties you don’t want to go to. And even if the weird old guy at the party you met asks you out, do NOT say no. For all you know, he may be the one, even though he smells like the inside of a garbage can. Remember all those women who met their true love, thought he wasn’t cool, but fell in love with him and ended up marrying him? “He just may surprise you.”
You’ll be surprised. Yes, you will.
Way 7: Recycle the single guys you know. A single woman is nothing if not a recycling plant. Men are nothing if not bottles that go through the recycling plants we and our very best girl friends run. You know that guy who was nice but so totally not right for you. Host a get together and bring you extra bottles, um, guys around so your friends can meet them. Then watch the sparks fly.
But you have to set a one-single-guy minimum. “Spread the wealth!”
To summarize, practice your “I’m an idiot” skillz, your Facebook shopping skills, brush up on your news, use Twitter to meet cute guys and not just to talk to yourself, and spend plenty of time staring dreamily out of windows in restaurants.
Finally, don’t forget to say yes next time weird guy next door asks you out, and remember that you are a recycling plant.
Stay tuned with the next eight ways to meet the man of your dreams this summer!
When Obama ascended to the Presidency, people celebrated in the streets. They cried tears of joy, knowing that this was a milestone for the American people. After all, this was the first time a man with African American blood had succeeded in becoming president through the choice of the people.
No wonder people wept.
He carried the hopes and dreams of all of us. We had faith in him. We knew that he could be something great. We knew that he could fulfill all the dreams that we had ever wanted, including pulling the troops out of Iraq. He had a lot of potential.
He was the perfect man.
I say “was.”
For soon after, President Obama committed a grave error.
An error that he would not soon recover from.
He wore mom jeans to a baseball game.
What made this grave sin worse was the fact that Michelle Obama is a gorgeous woman and has an amazing fashion sense, not to mention nice guns.
The fashion police went after you. They called them dad jeans, nerd jeans. You are married to one of the most fashionable women in the world. Do you want to defend the pants?
She really puts it out there. “Do you want to defend the pants?” We know you messed up. The mark of a good president is of whether or not he admits that he was wrong in his fashion choice and promises to do better. Defend the pants? Dude, that’s just… not wise.
What did Obama say?
I’m a little frumpy.
He didn’t even blink an eye. Our president also stated that until a few years ago (why until then?) his wife made fun of him for only owning four suits. He also apparently hates to shop. Obama continued, “For those of you who want your president to look great in his tight jeans, I’m sorry, I’m not the guy.”
What was Glamour’s response to that? The blogger lady concluded that he had indeed defended his “mom jeans.”
If you click the link I provided, you can watch the video where the Very Important Question (as the blogger called it) comes up, along with Mr. President’s response.
Newsday also stated that we could stop talking about his wife’s toned arms and start talking about our president’s “unflattering, baggy blue jeans.” A fashion stylist, trying to look at the positive side, said, “Kudos for him to be thinking about moms.” While some felt that our president is not very concerned about fashion because he’s doing his job as a president, others disagreed. They pointed out that he was very happy to talk about his White Sox jacket which he wore with his mom jeans. Obama even stated that his wife thought he looked cute in the jacket.
“It’s not clear what she thinks about the pants.”
New York Magazine was very very very horrified. They were so horrified that they were sputtering with all the words that they were trying to say about their horror. We cannot let this sin go on! This mistake is a big mistake and must be corrected immediately! How offensive!!
He wears clothes because they’re comfortable? What is he — some sort of dad? Oh, right.
Last I heard, he had two daughters. But fatherhood pales in comparison to his role as President, and subsequently a man who must not burn our eyes with horrible mom jeans.
No one expects the president to waltz into JCPenney like it’s Five Guys and order up a hot new pair of pants as tight as Zac Efron’s. But that doesn’t mean he can’t try something a little darker, a little longer, and just a tiny bit slimmer. Surely Michelle’s aide can add an extra item to her basket the next time he or she online shops at J.Crew.
Yet another blogger complained that Obama wasn’t manly enough.
Yup – “one size fits all” – tends to separate the men from the boys.
She continues by stating that baseball is a manly sport and that Barack slipped on his wife’s jeans by mistake, and that he should have thought more about his choice of pants. She said that he was a bit… nellie. Whatever that means. And that he should “butch up his act a tad.”
Maybe you didn’t know this, but he has also committed the same fashion sin before. People still remember. At least the fashion police do. It’s apparently burned into their retinas. Glamour started their report by asking,
You know how your dad embarrassed you terribly in fifth grade by telling bad jokes and asking your friends about the boy you had a crush on and–maybe the most egregious–walking around in a pair of nerdy, faded Lee jeans that he’d had since the 70s?
Can you just feel for his daughters right now? He had some mom jeans that looked like Urkel or whatever, and then he bought a nicer pair of jeans because he was getting a hard time from all the blogs. Talk about pressure. With his newer, nicer pair of jeans, he was TRANSFORMED from a frumpy president to a less frumpy president (because people didn’t like the jacket he wore with the new jeans).
One thing is clear from this: If you are the President of the United States, don’t wear mom jeans. Not only will you horrify everyone who knows what good fashion is, you will be expected to spend more time shopping. You will also insult all of mankind by appearing like a woman. And finally, you will embarrass your daughters and your country. So make the right choices in fashion, and you will live long and happily and will probably be reelected.
It’s also a sad world where the President has to defend his super offensive mom jeans.
We women love western romances.
And not just the cowboy type.
The Native American type.
This is a mystery to some. Why are women so fascinated with Native Americans with some red-haired white girl who dyes her hair black with the we sha sha plant romances? What is it about natives that are so cool and different and unique?
I did a search for novels with this theme, and found quite a few. First, there’s Cassie Edwards. The popular author (who has the worst writing I’ve ever seen. Weshasha, hahaha) has turned out volumes and volumes of Native American romances. The heroine is a white girl in some various helpless situation. The Native American is the strong one who comes to save her, standing manfully with feathers in his dark hair, his dark eyes smoldering with passion, and his loincloth waving in the wind.
No wonder we have a Savage Obsession.
Maybe it’s because we’re attracted to something wild in a man. Edwards’s novels are in a serious, all starting with “Savage” and some cool word following. Savage this, savage that. Savage gas after eating broccoli.
In this dreary life of home, work, school, bills, children, and poopy pets, we women long for something more. A paradise in the midst of a wilderness. A paradise where the prospect of love with a naturally dark-skinned, headband wearing man with long flowing hair, an armband that cuts of blood circulation, and squinty eyes will romance our troubles away. A paradise where we don’t have to pay the bills. All we have to concern ourselves with is the Savage in the Paradise.
Perhaps a Savage Paradise?
And lo, this Savage Paradise that I mention is a place where the men wax their chests. And their pits. Unless that strange armband is meant to disguise the armpit growth.
All that aside, what woman does not want to find a mighty brave holding a spear/torch/fancy fishing rod dressed only in a loincloth knocking at her door riding a white horse that does look mighty ticked off? A crazy woman, that’s who. He will come to your log cabin, and enunciate in a deep voice that his name is Night Thunder, for he comes like Thunder in the Night.
With one flick of his Mighty Red Loincloth, he calls the thunders of heaven upon you and steals your heart away.
That’s one dramatic entrance. Maybe it’s thunder which made his sternum cave in like that.
He grunts deeply. “How. Me take White Bride with Blonde Hair to tepee.”
“Oooooooooh!” you squeal. And then gracefully swoon at his feet.
Whereupon Night Thunder scoops you up onto his mighty stallion. You wake to find yourself swept up in a wild rapture with a dark skinned, slightly bewildered rider with a sexy six-pack. Your blonde hair will billow in the wind after you. The feeling of floating on air will be enough to make your clothes suddenly start sliding off with gravity’s pull. Good bye, ugly teal dress.
This wild rapture will make you shut your eyes, hoping against all hope that this wasn’t some dream that came about from too much maple syrup on your breakfast pancakes.
You are afraid that this wonderful dream will turn into a nightmare like nothing you ever imagined. A nightmare in which the American Indians resemble American Indians in only a few things… simply a native gone wrong.
You’re afraid that you’ll enter a world of computer generation, whereas the world before was painted in pretty soft pastel colors and fine brush strokes.
Where that perfect prince turns out not to be so perfect after all. He has the loincloth, the muscles, and the armband, but there is something strangely metallic about his hair and his lips are oddly pouty. What he wears on his head is not a headband, but rather a TIARA.
This Warrior Prince will then whisk you away to a land with lots of trees and mist. It’s a land where lo, even the skies are green.
And it is also a nightmare land where the men grow steadily lighter and lighter and appear more and more plastic. Like one of those dolls.
At least one thing he has going for him is hairlessness. On his body. Beyond the metallic hair. It would be a bit frightening for him to have metallic armpit hair. In this picture, he appears strangely bleached out.
Let’s hope you wake up before things get any worse.
And no. You want to be pulled into a Wild Ecstasy that involves you gazing deeply into a brave’s eyes while sitting in some awkward position on his raging stallion. While you try to take off your ugly pink outfit with two fingers.
And then be pulled into a Wild Embrace with the man of your dreams.
For years, Cassie Edwards has been satisfying her fans with authentic tales of bold beauties, exotic braves and the untamed wilderness. Now the author of Wild Rapture captures a lost age of romance when Seattle was a rough frontier. Flame-haired Elizabeth is abducted by the noble Indian brave Strong Heart, who shows her freedom and passion the wilds can ignite.
One must have a Strong Heart as well as a Strong Stomach.
Speaking about Seattle…
Recently, our obsession with Native Americans has come to new heights with Twilight. Fans are currently divided into teams. One is Team Edward, which supports the handsome, pale, and sparkly Edward Cullen. The other is Team Jacob.
Who is Jacob? He’s a werewolf. Not just a werewolf. A cute werewolf. The picture on the right is of the actor who will be playing Jacob in the upcoming movies. And you’ve gotta admit that he’s nice to look at. Enough to make teenage girls swoon.
But Jacob is also a Native American. He lives on a reservation near Bella’s house, in Washington State. He meets Bella, and falls in love with her. It is a doomed love, for Bella has already fallen for the White Man, Edward. And as he fell in love with Bella, the fan girls fell in love with him. Even some older women fall for him, immediately denouncing Edward and joining Team Jacob.
He’s also the polar opposite from the pale and sparkly vampire. As a werewolf and Native American, he’s dark. He’s tanned (naturally). Jacob is not sparkly, either.
So sit down with a romance novel and enjoy your Savage Wildness. Dream of a lost time where the women were red haired, wore ugly teal/pink dresses, and the Indians were all muscular, savage, and had shaved pits.
Hopefully those fantasy don’t involve teal skies or tiara-donning males.
Here’s more of your favorite perfect men. I wonder where they sell them.
We meet Dangerous and Dashing Man first. He is a rogue, who manfully grasps a sword while leaning against an Ionic column. (How manly!) His white shirt is unbuttoned, yet tucked in. On closer look, it doesn’t seem to have buttons.
You’ll know that he’s the one if he sees you, rips open his buttonless shirt, and leans manfully against he nearest column while grasping his manly red sword in his manly fist.
(Notice the strange placement of his left hand.)
The Lord of Fire is the next one. This is the back cover of the book, I believe.
No woman can resist this specimen. Especially his gaze where he turns toward you with his back to the sunset, his finger goes to his chin in a speculative manner, and his left fist goes to his waist. Angling his fully clothed body toward the right while gazing off somewhere to the right of you (his left). Just look at those blue breeches!
And his haircut! *swoons*
I have saved the best for last. Wishes Come True is the embodiment of all the qualities you’ve desired. Remember when you blew out the candles on the cake at your last birthday? This is what you wished for. He looks exactly the same as Dangerous and Dashing Man, except more naked.
Kristi was walking in a misty cavern deep under the ground. Tired, she decided to stop for a break and a refreshing drink. Suddenly, out of the mist and fog emerged a naked man, gazing off at some point far beyond her. He was wearing The Magical Armband That Cuts Off Circulation which enables him to rise up through the mist once a year. Once he finds the woman of his destiny, the spell will be broken.
That is, if he can focus his gaze on Kristi.
Will Kristi’s wishes ever come true?
I have evaluated many of the perfect men so you’ll know what you’re looking for. We’ve established that he should be hunky, wear purple vests, and be criminally handsome. However, there is another man that you should think about.
The Abercrombie and Fitch Man.
36,000 years ago, our foremothers fell for Cro-Magnon man. Then 6,000 years after that, Neanderthal man appeared. The ladies were smitten. Now, in the 21th century, man’s evolution has realized a new pinnacle of achievement with Abercrombie and Fitch man! He has sneaked onto our shopping bags, displayed his manly body on billboards on the highway, and stolen our brains and money, as well as our hearts.
Abercrombie and Fitch man is buff, athletic, and good-looking. He is also young, and in black and white always. Sometimes he has a girlfriend, sometimes he just stands there alone, gazing soulfully and masterfully into the distance where his next paycheck is.
He also has no shirt.
Since Abercrombie and Fitch man’s arrival not so long ago, he has been quite popular. Walk into his house, and you will see him and his many girlfriends on the walls, watching your every move.
If you walk down the street anywhere near a mall, chances are that you’ll see shoppers (usually women) with shopping bags. Guess who is on the shopping bag? The much celebrated Abercrombie and Fitch man! These shopping bags are not just used one time to put clothes in after shopping at one of their stores. They’re used and reused for different purposes. I know a girl who uses them to store toiletries. I knew a woman who donated hers to our church’s yard sale. And then my church hid the bag in the closet and promptly forgot about him.
I guess poor Abercrombie and Fitch man is still there. Not all churches are very appreciative of his hunky good looks.
Abercrombie and Fitch man even has his own perfume! Actually, he has many. But the one we’re looking at right now is called “Fierce.” The word can be compared to his washboard abs, his gaze, and his pectorals.
From a review here:
top note is a citrus smell
base note is a woody musk smell
I do not own this cologne but i smelt it in an Abercrombie store. This scent smells similar to colognes in Hollister. This is a classic cologne for teenagrers and the chicks love it!!
Anyone who walks near an Abercrombie and Fitch will recognize this scent, the scent that, along with loud music, potentially lures males and females inside. It’s an excellent smell for younger-mid 20′s crowd, but even those older can pull it off. Great diedown scent, especially.
Other comments described it as “sexy.” And as we can see from the first review, the chicks love it!
Don’t forget the billboards, which we’ve already mentioned once earlier. Rather coincidentally, this is also an ad for their perfume “Fierce.” Abercrombie and Fitch man’s headless torso decorates billboards across the country. Anyone driving down the highway can admire his washboard abs. If the driver is female, they may look at him and say with a sigh, “How Fierce.” If they’re male, they’ll envy his abs for a brief second, perhaps consider getting the perfume, and then say “nah” and drive on.
Check out this wacky billboard here.
Abercrombie and Fitch man has created quite a stir for his presence in advertising. Many articles have been published, complaining that he is causing young males to try to reach for an unattainable goal -to have a buff and muscular body just like his. Some places says that Abercrombie and Fitch is using sex to sell their products, and proclaim that they are going too far. Others ask whether or not using such a handsome dude in advertising brings in the money, or is it due to other forces.
But if most guys do not want to see pictures of other guys not wearing shirts, how would this help Abercrombie to sell clothing? And why does a recent ad campaign feature a man and a monkey walking together on a beach, with neither one of them wearing shirts?
Still others believe that is he ruining the way young kitties look at themselves.
However, you can’t deny that he is popular. I know both guys and girls who get clothes at his store and urge their friends to do the same. I went on his website to have a look around, and he is there in all his glory.
Some time ago, there was a lawsuit against Abercrombie and Fitch. According to the opposing party, Abercrombie and Fitch were discriminating against salespersons and models who weren’t white. If you look at the ads, you’ll notice that all the models are white. There’s no Spanish, Chinese, or African-American models. Some people also said that Abercrombie and Fitch were delegating their less attractive salespersons to the back of the store where shoppers wouldn’t see them. This lawsuit was eventually settled, with 40 million dollars paid to class members in December 2005.
I think it’s safe to say that Abercrombie and Fitch is going to stick around for a while, at least until the next link in the evolution of mankind comes up. If you aspire to be like him, you can apply to this place to be a model. This site tells you exactly what you’re in store for when you become one of their models.
At least for now, you’ll wow the chicks.
PS: Check out this press release from Abercrombie and Fitch about their first quarter results.
Don’t you love romance novel heroes? They’re handsome, hairless, and absolutely anything a girl could ever wish for. Add to those adjectives “criminally handsome,” like my friend to the right here.
There’s no denying that a romance novel hero leaves all the men you know in real life far behind. It should be a relief to know that my friend Catherine at Livejournal has written an entry called: “How to be a Romance Novel Hero.”
This post has all you guys need to be the best man a woman could ever want.
Here’s a few samples to show you just what she’s talking about. And she KNOWS what she’s talking about, believe me.
You must have powerful thighs. I guarantee you that if you find the paragraph which descibes the hero’s physique (and there’s always one, usually right at the beginning), it will say “His breeches clung to his powerful thighs.”
You should be the Earl of something. The something should sound vaguely British but be impossible to find on a map. Think along the lines of “Deptford,” which is perfect because it has two syllables and lots of consonants, and because the initial “D” sounds very manly indeed.
87% of Romance Novel heroes are bitter, jaded, lonely, proud men who have decided that they can Never Find Love for one reason or another. Cultivate this attitude. Gaze off into the distance as though tormented by inner demons. Answer no less than 10% of remarks addressed to you with nothing but a bitter, sardonic laugh. (Example: “Oh… my lord… observe how the sunlight illumines the moors!” You: “Ha!”)
Read it. You will not be disappointed. Ladies, read it if you would like to know what kind of man you should be looking for.
Side note: I could add my own requirements. For instance, his clothes should “cling to his well-muscled body alarmingly.” Secondly, being from Texas and being a cowboy is in. Thirdly, wardrobe of choice would be a puffy white shirt tucked into pants. But unbuttoned. Also waxing your chest. Hairy chests (at least in the US) are so yesterday. Don’t forget to shave your pits. Pectoral implants are in as well. Yes.
Ladies, forget the checklist I made for you the other day. This guy HAS IT ALL.
If only I could find myself a man with long, dark hair (that looks like it just might not hide a comb over) and a white, frilly, puffy skirt with a sparkly purple vest… and black pants with knee high boots… I would be content.
But I guess he really too good to be true. As well as too passionate to be forgotten.
I shall dream on.
There’s something I’ve realized. For the perfect woman, there is the perfect man. But what makes a perfect man?
I used to think that the perfect man would look something like that. However, after many romance novels and magazines, I realized that I was very, very wrong.
The perfect man looks like this.
It’s pretty clear to me! You need a man who is SEXY. And he cannot be sexy unless he is also athletic. And the sexiness is produced emphasized by his “Man” perfume. A six-pack is a must. Just look at those bulging biceps! *drool*
Speaking of bulging biceps…
Some men get their muscles from using perfume. Some of them do not. If that’s so, then they got them from following the steps in Men’s Health. If Oprah or Cosmo was the woman’s manual for perfectness, then Men’s Health is the man’s manual for perfectness.
Our favorite romance novels also mesmerize us. Why? The age-old tale of beautiful women and handsome men falling in love and ripping each other’s clothes off never grows old. However, these novels are good for another reason. By reading them, you can learn about what makes a good mate and also learn what kind of person he should be.
He should be tall, dark, and handsome. Again, the bulging biceps and six pack are emphasized here. He must be romantic and good in bed (come on, a man as handsome as that who walks around with no shirt must be good in bed). He must also be adventurous and look untamed. The perfect man walks around shirtless (as you can see from Hunting Down the Horseman) or have his shirt manfully open to his waist (To Seduce a Texan). That or a tight business suit which also looks like it’s going to come off because of the pull of passion. Anyways… we must not forget another important thing.
Smooth pits! Hairless chest! A man who takes the time to shave everywhere else is definitely worth it.
Celebrities and movie stars make good models of the perfect man. They are rich, handsome, and charming. Look at the kind of men our perfect women are with.
Many women think George Clooney is dreamy.
I prefer Sean Connery. He has nice eyebrows.
What better example than the actors who play the studs in the movies?
Finally, take a look at your favorite magazines. Oprah gives us checklists of what to look for in a man and what NOT to look for. Cosmo tells us that, and more. And more. They also have a guy gallery with plenty of guy pictures. And all of them hairless. Smooth pits. You got it. He should also work. I don’t mean have a job, though it would be great if he were a millionaire businessman. Know the saying, “Try before you buy”? Do it. If he doesn’t work, you can always take him back to the store. A perfect man needs to work. Some women have known the horror of dating a man oozing with charm just like this guy until they used the 99 things to do with a man and “tried” him out and found out that sadly, he didn’t live up to his claims of seduction. Must have been the perfume.
I have made a nifty little checklist you can tear out and place in your handbag.
The Perfect Man:
3. Exercise religiously
4. Six pack from exercising religiously
5. Bulging biceps from exercising religiously
7. Dark (unless he is Edward Cullen/a vampire)
11. Go shirtless or have shirt manfully open to waist
12. No buttons
13. No hair, either
14. In his armpits. Or chest
15. Wear tux, sometimes
17. Fulfill Oprah’s checklist
18. Has to “work.” You know what I mean.
If he does not fulfill all the items on this checklist, immediately TAKE HIM BACK TO WHERE YOU FOUND HIM.
Have fun! I wish you success!