Apologies…

I have received several wonderful comments over the past few days. I regret to tell you that this site is now inactive. It was really fun writing for it for a few months, and I really enjoyed the journey, but I have moved on. It’s just too hard to keep up with posting and finding stuff to write about, and it turned out to be quite time-consuming and impossible to keep up once I started college.

However, I still blog quite regularly. Please visit me here: Loved from the start

Thank you for your visits, your comments, and your loyalty. I hope to still see you around my other blog! Hopefully in the future I can restart this blog, when I have more time.

Thank you again!

Announcement: hiatus

Hey readers!

My blog will be on hiatus for a brief time. Next week, I am going on vacation for a few days to Acadia National Park. It’s a beautiful place, and I’m long overdue for a vacation. I mean a vacation where you actually go somewhere else, far away from home, and do stuff. Though I will not have a hunky man slathering oil on me while I get the perfect tan, I will be doing a lot of hiking and postcard buying and seashell collecting and that sort of thing. I will have no internet connection during that time, so no blog reading for a few days. After that vacation, I will be busy preparing for college — packing, last minute buying, and that sort of thing — so most likely this blog will not have anything up until I start college September 2. Wish me luck.

I will continue to read your blogs after I get back from vacation. Don’t fear, I have been working on a few things regarding this blog, and there will definitely be new posts up later! Stay tuned! I promise you they’ll be hilarious.

Meanwhile, please stay safe, and take care of your Man Pets!

Have a good rest of the summer!

–The perfect lady

PS: follow me on twitter: theperfectlady

PSS: Here are some pictures of the place I’m going. I did not take them, but various people on Flickr did. Used with permission.

(I’ve actually been here before. It is an awesome place to walk as it’s right next to a lake.)

The Face Wash which Changed My Horrible Life!

Do you remember the sad fairy tale of the damsel who was the victim of horrible acne? Who ended up living happily after with perfect skin with all her life problems solved?

The former damsel indistress has truly devoted her Twitter to talking about this amazing new product which changed her life, in the hopes that it may help others as it has helped her.

Of course, it is a well known fact that celebrities, as friendly as they may seem, don’t talk to their fans. There’s simply too many fans who are urging for them to come to their country and tour or just “PLEASE PLEASE MILEY PLEASE FOLLOW ME MY LIFE WILL NOT BE COMPLETE WITHOUT YOU FOLLOWING ME ON TWITTER”

They also know that as much as they might want to, they can’t go into a restaurant to hang out with their fans. They would be met with squeals of excitement and maybe a few tears.

“Miley Cyrus, you are my hero. I love you. Will you marry me? Can I take a picture with you? OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG *SOB*”

Ahem.

If Youtube and Twitter comments are anything to judge by.

Shortly after the incident when she first mention Sensai Kanebo cosmetics and the fact that it had changed Miley Cyrus’s life and pushed her to promote this product and “give others hope,” Cyrus has devoted numerous times on twitter to chatting with some of her fans and urging them to please please please try this new product. W

And see their life change before their very eyes.

*drum roll*

Which you know is a pretty unusual thing.

Of course, such a testimony can not be without pictures.

Miley posted this picture, sans makeup, to her twitter, adding a comment to it.

As she says, Sensai by Kanebo came into her life, and left her changed. They made clear skin possible for her.

They brought light where there had been only darkness.

Truth where there had been lies.

Clear skin where there had been pimples.

Redemption to a generation of teenage stars who had spent most of their lives with makeup coating their pimples.

(I love the lacy bra strap in the picture. And the pouty mouth. And the shiny nose. And the slightly red eyes. It looks like she scrubbed her face very hard.)

But notice something. She took the chance not only to praise Sensai, but to praise a lot of her favorite brands. The teen star loves her moisturizer and her 4 in 1 camellia balm, whatever that is.

Here’s a sample of her “chat” to her female friends that night.

There you go. The list of about 1% of the beauty products Miley Cyrus uses. Happy buying!

Notice that the star uses a lot of Jhlabeauty stuff. And talks about that a lot as well.

I told you in my last post about Sensai that the Sensai product that Miley’s specifically talking about costs a hundred dollars in total, not counting shipping. In response to a fan’s question regarding the cost:

Because a hundred bucks really isn’t much anyway.

*ticks off fingers* So far, we know that Sensai is a miracle. It is life-changing. It brings light where there had been darkness, truth where there had been lies, and clear skin where there had been pimples.

But…

dude GIRL! Sensai brings SALVATION!

From what? I’ll leave you to decide.

However, I will say that it could be salvation from darkness, pimples, lies, a mundane life, and brings a release into the light of perfect skin heaven. Cue flashbulbs and paparazzi and runways. And squealing preteens. You might even get a date with Nick Jonas!

All that aside, several days after this chat with her fans about her beauty products, Miley Cyrus reported that the Good News had been shared, and one of her friends had found salvation.

The lesson we can learn from this is that celebrities usually don’t talk to their fans. However, if they want to talk about a makeup product, only then will they open up the lines of communication to rave about that new product and gather comments about said product.

We can also know that business will be brisk at Jhlabeauty as well as Sensai.

Finally, Sensai brings salvation. Miley Cyrus says so. So it must be true.

That is all you need to know.

Being Yourself

“Don’t worry. Just be yourself.”

These words of advice were dispensed to us by our grandparents, our parents, our uncles and aunts, cousins, and sundry other friends. We received them when we signed up for ballet lessons in first grade and decided to quit after 2 weeks of falling over our feet. We heard them when we wanted to fit in with that cool group of girls in middle school who always had the hippest makeup. We received them when we went on our first date with the football player in his last year of high school. And then in college, when we were deciding what to do with the rest of our life, we heard them once again.

It sounds so easy, doesn’t it? All you have to do is be yourself.

By being ourselves, we can find the key to happiness, get the best careers, find the hottest hunks, and get the best tans.

Women’s Health magazine has realized that it is a wonderful thing to be yourself. The tiny little slogan above the magazine title reads, “It’s good to be you.”

According to their mission statement:

Women’s Health is for the woman who wants to reach a healthy, attractive weight but doesn’t equate that with having thighs the size of toothpicks. We know that exercising and eating well will make you happier and stronger (even if after-work runs can really suck). That looking and feeling good have very little to do with cosmetics and high heels (though they can help you feel glamorous on a Saturday night). And that life can be stressful since there’s never enough time, but balance is achievable (with a little help).

This magazine vows to be that help that we need to achieve such a balance. They want to reach out to women in a different way that the other magazines do. They know that we don’t feel that great about ourselves when we read other magazines. We feel inadequate, alone, and a failure.

Unlike the other magazines, Women’s Health doesn’t want us to feel like that.

They sure have an interesting way of doing so. The writers want us to embrace ourselves and love who we are. We should seek to improve ourselves to be the best that we are, complete with six pack abs.

Their philosophy in a nutshell is WORK. Just plain hard work to be your perfect Self, as this magazine cover from 2007 reveals.

But that was then. This is now. Hasn’t things changed?

Not much, except that the cover models are now printed in color.

Here’s a fairly recent cover.

All the ladies on the cover are blonde models with six pack abs, flawless skin, and the “perfect” body. Replace the cosmetics and high heels with a bikini and a flawless tan. Balance is achievable with a little help. Just get your own fitness trainer and personal gym installed in your home and you’re all set. Exercise and eating well will make you happier and stronger, after all. While your thighs will not be the size of toothpicks, they will still be slender and muscular. A healthy and attractive weight is amazingly skinny like black and white cover model up there or colorful Elisha Cuthbert in her skin baring tank.

Apparently this magazine is devoted on helping you become the best of yourself, through dieting, fitness, sex, and makeup. Who could ask for anything better?

So what does being yourself entail?

1. Slim down secrets! Leaner legs, flatter butt. The ideal You is slim and lovely, with a tight butt gained through 10 minutes of rigorous exercise with said hunky personal trainer. Exercise can help you get the most of out life with your ideal Self. This is why a home gym is important.

This ideal You also burns fat efficiently.

And blasts cellulite away with the touch of the mighty Exercise Ball.

Picture from Christina Welsh.

2. Cheat-proof his love! The ideal You knows how to love, and love well. The ideal You, with the help of a magazine, can cheat-proof your man’s love by following several steps. I wonder if one them involves keeping him on a leash. My personal advice to you is to kill him. That way his love will be cheat-proof — forever.

Another way to a man’s heart is through sex. There are five amazing sex secrets that will be guaranteed to make him never want to leave you. Followed by tips to have more fun in bed, followed by the six sex secrets he’s hiding for you, and more.

3. More money, less stress. This combination is ideal. By getting more money, the ideal You will have less stress. So start raking in the big butts, lady! This magazine has advice on how to be Yourself in such a way that you earn more money, get the raise, and save more. Including free things to spend your time doing at night. Your wonderful self can gain the looks to land the perfect job! Botox and breast implants optional.

Bikinis are the cause of much stress. More money can give you less stress, but so can a good bikini put upon a toned body.

It’s a truth universally acknowledged, that a woman in possession of a toned body must be in want of a bikini.

4. Sexy beauty! You are a sexy beauty. I see it in your ideal future. Turn heads with this magazine’s tricks and tips! The ideal You is a sexy beauty. And if you’re not a sexy beauty, that means that you are not your ideal Self. You must also look great naked. Zoe Saldana does.

5. Energy. The ideal You has boundless energy, reached by 10 quick energy tricks that work, which of course goes with the AM trick that works every time.

6. No blemishes. The ideal You has a beauty regime that blasts away all those acne.

It’s not easy being you. That’s why the magazines can help you be your ideal Self with about 2,145 all new useful tips (that are of course, recycled from two years ago) to reach that state of being a wonderful You.

Have fun and remember to be yourself!

Vinegar and Fat Loss: Hope for the fat masses

For all you ladies who are struggling to lose weight for this bikini season, there may be hope for you. Did exercise not work? Dieting not work? Liposuction not work? Starvation not work? Restriction not work? Cutting out bread and pasta?

Try vinegar.

Yup. The stuff that Chinese people dip their dumplings in. The stuff that the English dip their fish and chips in. The stuff that flavors certain chips these days because it’s just so cool to have a flavr, u no?

From a news release from the American Chemical Society, a new study done by Japanese researchers show that vinegar might help avoid weight gain, besides being low in calories. They used mice, as always. One group was fed a high-fat diet along with acetic acid (main component of vinegar) for six weeks. The others were fed the high-fat diet (chips? Fries?) but merely given water.

Both of these groups of mice gained weight but the ones who had vinegar gained up to 10% less than the ones who had water instead.

Apparently, the acetic acid kept body fat and hepatic lipids from accumulating. It increased the “expression of genes involved in fatty acid oxidation.” Those genes then produced proteins that helped break down fats, preventing such fats from being stored in the body.

Like, on the parts exposed by a bikini.

And of course, though Glamour underscores that the research was done on mice and not people (how horrible that would be) and this is only ONE study, it’s something to feel good about. Judging from the comments, people are really happy about eating vinegar, which is a good thing. Yum.

However, Gabe Mirkin, M.D., proclaims that though vinegar can preserve food and clean household items, it is “not a medicine or weight-loss drug.” He says,

It is very low in calories, but the only way vinegar could possibly help you to lose weight is by causing you to eat lots of salads while you cut back on other sources of calories.

This ezine article states that you can make belly fat loss occur quickly simply by drinking apple cider vinegar daily. The writer says that ACV has been used for years as a treatment, starting from the ancient Egyptians or even earlier. It’s supposedly (according to the writer) why they didn’t get fat.

You will gradually see your stomach fat reduced over a period of time as you drink apple cider vinegar daily.

*chokes on fries*

What we can get from that story is that some people will try to gain hope from anything that might make them thinner, more attractive, prettier, and more. We are searching for that one product which will make make all our dreams come true. One study shows that vinegar MIGHT MIGHT MIGHT make you lose weight? Sure, why not? One ad says that drinking apple cider vinegar daily will make your belly fat go down. Why not?

However, I’m not going to start drinking it specifically to lose weight just yet.

Bikini Cram School, Supermodel Style

It’s not only the celebrities like Jessica Simpson who want to help us in our quest to find the perfect swimsuit.

It turns out that there are two other sets of women who think they can help.

Who? The supermodels, and the Dancing With the Stars Women.

There can be no better people for such. For supermodels, it’s evident why. Who has not watched the tall, leggy, stick-thin young women swaying down the runaway and envied their bodies? They seem to keep thin with no effort. If they’re Victoria’s Secret models or the horribly beautiful Tyra Banks, they are tall, thin, but with curves in all the right places.

No wonder the guys like the Victoria’s Secret catalogs so much.

We sit in front of our TVs and secretly wonder whether they came out of the womb bikini ready, with their sun goddess certifications in their perfectly manicured hands. And it certainly seems that way. We secretly despise them, for our less than satisfactory bodies rebel too often, making us eat unhealthy stuff like pasta and rice.

Then we wake up in front of the fridge, realizing that we just ate one bowl of macaroni salad.

And curse our “fat” bodies.

Meanwhile, the Dancing with the Stars women are perfect for inspiration to become skinny. As watchers of the show can attest, those women wear some really skimpy costumes. REAL skimpy. Like, skimpy-skimpy. Bikini skimpy at times. No one, especially the guys, can deny that they show of the women’s bodies to their best advantage. (Whose advantage? Don’t ask.)

But these ladies are going to DANCE. They have to have slim, beautifully toned bodies if they want to wow the judges of this reality show.

However, they were not always like that. There was a day, long ago, when they were not as thin and as sexy as they are now. A day… when they were just like us.

Also, as it turns out, even the supermodels have to work hard daily to keep in the exalted state they’re in. Who knew?

Glamour posted a link to a site that interviewed several of these supermodels, asking them what they did to keep their bodies so bikini ready. Now, they’re revealing their secrets just for YOU.

“Models dish their secrets on near-naked perfection.”

(Just in case you were interested, they add. What do you mean “just in case”? OF COURSE we’re interested!)

However, unlike us, these supermodels have to be bikini ready all year round. When it’s not bikini season for us, it’s bikini season for them.

“Eyee havv too bee een aye beekeenee awl yeer rond.”*

Their secrets were quite different, varying from model to model.

One woman, Paulina Porizkova (she’s Russian, I think) said, “Oh, I eat very little. And I exercise a LOT.”

What kind of exercise was the next question asked.

Doutzen Kroes, a beautiful, glamourous blonde, was happy to tell us. “The verkout I luv,” (insert dramatic pause) “eez jumpvrope.”

I heard somewhere that jumprope can help you grow taller.

“Eye dahn’t hayv much tyyme to verk out… I yuv surfing, end vollervladin, end, like, yawga, Eye try to do yawga like, tvice aye veek,” says Alessandra Ambrosio, a Victoria’s Secret model.

“You havv to put an evvort een lukin gewd,” continued Kroes.

The exception was Flavia de Oliveira, who said with a bit of helpless charm, “Actually… eye dunt doo ennything…” (insert embarrassed laughter) “… yuh.” (The Glamour blogger, I might add, wanted to kill her. I personally thought that the “five foot eleven gazelle” was kind of cute.)

She just went to the beach, “Take sun,” and drank lots of coconut water. “No need tew verk out.”

de Oliveira added, “Eye feel like such aye snob!!!”

Giggles.

The video was interjected with many gratuitous shots of the models in question strutting their stuff on the runways, in every single kind of bikini imagined. Even bikinis that did not look like bikinis. Do people walk around the beach with six foot wings on their backs?

One lady was wearing what looked like a diaper bag.

I glimpsed a metal bikini at one point. Not Princess Leia style, though. It was more like some silver thing with spikes and dangly things.

The Dancing with the Stars women underwent big makeovers before the big show, as revealed by US magazine. Take Edyta Sliwinska, the only professional dancer to appear on the show. She revealed her, uh, dreadfully untoned (?) body before on the right, telling the interviewers that she avoided pasta, bread, rice, and candy. Basically, Sliwinska cut out all her carbs. (Click the picture for full detail, or just go on the link I gave you to see for yourself.)

Tada! See the new, revealed Edyta Sliwinska after taking a strict, 1,500 calorie a day diet and dancing in heels!

(I personally see no difference except in the first picture she’s wearing more clothes.)

Denise Richards, before, had gained a whopping 10 pounds after her mom passed away. Just look at her, um, fat body from before.

She was transformed by six weeks of training with her dancing partner. Richards got her abs back! While still eating pizza and ice cream, she went from a size 26 to 24 inch jeans. And she’s a mom of two kids, so take that!

Even Lil’ Kim flaunted a fuller figure before. Just look what working out with a NYC trainer six days a week did to her! “I feel toned! My stomach is flatter!”

Lacey Schwimmer, before, struggled with her weight. People made fun of her because she was “shapely.” She stated that she would never have a model’s body because she was an athlete. However, Schwimmer was happy about that. Well… she shed 10 pounds by swapping her fatty foods for grilled chicken, steamed veggies, and fruit. She also cut out soda to help her drop the weight fast and become slim and beautiful.

Then there was Cheryl Burke. You’ve gotta see for yourself how, um, uh, fat she was back then. She said that she never weighed herself. That was all the comment US magazine gave. They included a bikini shot. And, yeah… um. Not really sure what to say. But she struggled with her weight a lot. In fact, Burke blamed her weight on going off her birth control pills (no really, we don’t want to know).

(Like… wow. She’s actually really toned before. And she doesn’t look anything different from her after shot.)

However, even she dropped 10 pounds by rehearsing eight hours, five days a week. “You can’t help but lose weight with that grueling schedule.”

Julianne Hough believes in enjoying life instead of obsessing over dieting. Like most women who have their little sins, her particular sin was eating a whole cup of gummy worms in one sitting. Get that.

“Well… I’m not sure. Wait! I ate a whole cup of gummy worms once.”

How big is a cup? Little cup or big cup?

To exercise off the gummy worms, she maintains a five-day-a-week workout.

Lastly, tiny Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson was not above insecurities about her slender frame. She did not like showing off her stomach, despite unforgiving leotards in the 2008 Olympics. The 17-year-old in her before shot is shielding her stomach with a bouquet of flowers.

After a grueling eight-hours-a-day dancing sessions, the athlete (the “single athlete” they said. So just you know, she’s available) was finally prepared for a revealing dress. No longer self-conscious about her stomach, this petite gold medalist felt like a princess.

There’s an important lesson here. If you have insecurities about your toned, otherwise perfect body, you can lose all your insecurities by dieting and exercise, and of course, Dancing with the Stars. Do you slip up and eat a cup of gummy worms once in a while? A five-day-a-week workout will cure all that! If you feel insecure about your toned abs and feel shy about wearing a cutout dress as a result, the cure is exercise and more exercise and more exercise.

Rinse and repeat.

Also, cutting out bread, pasta, and rice helps. So does drinking coconut water.

Finally, we women can be thankful that it’s not “bikini season” for us all year round. We can slack off during the winter months except for the occasional exercise video. We only need to worry about fitting into bikinis when it’s too hot to hide under a sweatshirt anymore.

And the guys? Well… it’s bikini season all year round for the models… well…

*The way I wrote how the models talked is not to make fun of them or otherwise mock them. I believe in embracing our uniqueness… and I also believe in seeing the humor in many things. The accents are pretty cute.

Beware Celebrities Bearing Endorsements

When the person next door, or the coworker lady who is always so nice, or your mom recommends you a face wash, you take it as a fact of life and just a cool thing that friends do for each other.

However, when a celebrity endorses a face wash, ask first: “How much did she get paid to do so?”

One week ago, Miley Cyrus endorsed a face wash. On Twitter.

She was very gushy about it.

Read the Twitter messages from BOTTOM to TOP. The top messages are the most recent ones. Sorry about the pinkness, that’s the custom font color Miley chose for her twitter.

Miley claims that Sensai face wash has CHANGED HER LIFE. She goes on to describe it as a  miracle, for it made her smile after she washed her face. The teen star believes that it will give hope to the pimply masses and tells random people to please, please, please try it.

Here’s an interesting thing. Miley claims that she had very bad acne for three years that her makeup artist didn’t know what to do about it.

I don’t know what to say to that. In all of the pictures of Miley Cyrus I have ever seen, such as the one on the right, she has never once had a pimply face. Her skin has always been clear, beautiful, and acne-free. A skin to die for, in fact. And apparently either the computers found that they could do something about it. I have seen a couple of pictures of Miley Cyrus sans makeup and she does have an oily face.

But come on, she’s a teenager. Teenagers have acne and greasy skin.

Do they?

Her endorsement made me feel suspicious. Not to say that stars don’t have issues like we do. However, do you think it’s a little strange that she is all of a sudden so enthusiastic about a single product? Even to the point of gushing about it on Twitter to random people?

Someone asked her if she was getting paid for her endorsement. Cyrus denied it.

But Miley Cyrus says she has a purpose for saying her words.

Before, the star was so embarrassed about her skin that she didn’t want to leave the house. She felt awful about it.

She just wants to give hope to all of us.

Which, quite frankly, makes me very suspicious.

We have a damsel in distress. She has pimply skin, doesn’t want to leave the house for years, cries every day because of her acne. Who hasn’t been there? Even the team of make up artists and computer experts had no idea what to do with the damsel’s horrible skin. This made the damsel weep and weep and weep over her greasiness and flawed skin. Was this to be her fate forever?

Then suddenly, a rescue comes in the form of Kanebo Sensai’s Silky Purifying line, steps one and two.

Step one is the Cleansing Cream. Step two is the Purifying Soap.

The damsel’s flaws disappeared. She was released from her fate of greasy face and bad acne and the shame. Oh, the shame.

As a result, this damsel wants to spread the Good News throughout all generations. She goes on Twitter, speaking words of hope about her newly changed life to the ordinary masses who just need to hear the Good News.

And we, the masses, lap it up happily.

For we all have been there. We’ve all struggled with our flaws, even the imaginary ones. We cry every day because our parts don’t look good enough. We try to find the perfect product which will fit our needs and enable us to live happily ever after. Finding out that this celebrity has struggles too somehow speaks to the part of us that yearns for release. Even better, finding out from said celebrity that our flaws can be erased speaks to yet another deeper part — a part that goes beyond our wallets.

Thanks to this former damsel in distress, we may now accept the news and live our lives accordingly. With joy, and without fear of embarrassment. Our flaws? Poof. Gone.

All for a set of a Cleansing Cream and a Purifying Soap, 100 dollars total.

So for now, no matter how cool and down-to-earth the celebrity may be, beware the endorsements they bear for ye may be easily deceived. Look at the product endorsed first. Then afterwards ye can maketh a clear judgement without the pervasive influence of a celebrity endorsement.

What Not To Wear, Bikini Style

For the past few weeks, we’ve looked at and poked and investigated. We’ve gone shopping, starved ourselves for days just to feel thin, and exercised our butts off. We’ve cut out pasta, looked for the best one piece suits which would not make us look fat or old, all the while looking for that perfect bikini that would make us into a sun goddess. We’ve tanned, we’ve sloughed off our skin, and we’ve softened the soles of our feet with a rigorous beauty regime.

What next?

We must know what to avoid.

We must know the bathing suits which, though they may fit well, just look plain ugly. Or will end up somewhere on the web, with commenters making fun of you. And once we know which to avoid, we must then do that — avoid. Stay away. Do not wear. Do not buy. Do not try on in the swimsuit store.

First of all, do not take your swimsuit cues from Paris Hilton. Just this year, the heiress has been sighted in some mighty interesting bathing suits.

Here’s one of the most awful.

The sex tape star has been ridiculed for this creative bathing suit by many LOLz. So unless you want to be a butt of jokes, do not wear this bathing suit. Do NOT.

How about her “crochetkini” from a year back? Oh dear.

She looks happy, though. Don’t burst her bubble, anyone.

Let’s not even talk about the bathing suit picture snapped in Hawaii where she was scratching her butt. See the rest of the photos here.

Glamour has a list of do’s and don’ts for hitting the beach. These do’s and don’ts range from bathing suits to skin care to coverups.

We heard from Oprah’s experts that white bathing suits are a don’t and must NOT be worn at all. However, Glamour tells us something different. White bathing suits are a DO. They show off bodies. While Oprah’s experts tell us that white bathing suits are embarrassing, especially when they get wet, Glamour‘s experts tell us that they show off your body really well. I’m sure.

Conclusion: white bathing suit = grey area.

Slide 6 is a weird one. This anonymous woman has been a victim of poor judgement. She is to be pitied, now delegated to being the laughingstock, with her awful bathing suit pictures circulating the web. What’s the woman wearing? “Is it a top? A suit? A bunch of straps? Just imagine the tan lines!” You decide. To me it looks like she’s wearing a bra over a monokini. Not just one bra top, but two or three.

Don’t be like her. Wear one swimsuit, not a monokini with two bras or whatever it is that she’s wearing.

Thongs are also a no no. Even if your butt is nice. Don’t. Ugh.

Don’t get a ruched bottom. Ruching can make your boobs look bigger. But they do not go on your butt. This poor woman in slide 12 has a tush to die for, they say, but the ruched bottom ruins it all. Poor lady.

No droopy drawers or sarongs. Cover up is cover up. Not bare all. Please! The lady in slide 16 is guilty of a droopy sarong. It’s around her hips and does not cover her bathing suit at all. You’ve gotta see it to believe it. To make matters worse, she’s wearing a monokini thing that does not fit well enough.

No heels with swimsuits. Just because Oprah puts her gals in heels with their swimsuits doesn’t mean you should actually walk around like that.

Finally, underwear is NOT swimwear.

Period.

Keep your lacy bras off the beach.

Meanwhile, a cool site called Momlogic has a gallery with their collection of 25 horrifying swimsuits. These swimsuits have committed some of the worst of fashion sins and should be delegated to the seventh level of fashion hell.

Such as the poor woman (slide 3) who is said to be searching for her dignity. Her swimsuit is not a swimsuit. It’s a dress. That looks to be about 3 layers thick. The girl on the right is wearing some sort of shorts/shirt combo underneath her very own padded swim dress. They look happy…

The question here is: in this day and age when so many women, even the ones who shouldn’t be seen in such swimsuits, are opting for tiny bikinis and monokinis with strategic cutouts, why would women want to wear a padded swim dress? We who diet and fast and exercise to be worthy of the bikini cannot understand.

The same store sells a padded shorts/coverall sort of swim suit. It sort of looks like the dress, only it’s shorts. Happy children are seen wearing them.

This suit also defies the logic we’ve learned on the hunt for a perfect bikini. Swimsuits should not be leotards. The goal of wearing a swimsuit is a. to get a nice tan and b. to show off as much skin as possible. Didn’t she get the memo? Obviously not.

Then there’s the fringe bathing suit. Yes, the kind of bathing suit which is made up ONLY of fringe. It’s worse than anything we’ve ever seen on Paris Hilton, guaranteed. Fringe belongs on your handbag, not your skimpy bikini bathing suit. Or should that be “fringini”? The lady wearing the bathing suit looked like someone who sold sex for a living. Or a topless dancer/stripper. Granted, that kind of bathing suit would probably draw a lot of attention.

Not the nice kind of attention.

Then there’s the bodacious woman wearing a skimpy monokini. What was the problem? Not the monokini, as you might think. It was the fact that her monokini had LEOPARD PRINT. Boo. Do not wear a bathing suit that looks like you’ve skinned an animal and made a suit out of it. You will get letters from the PETA telling you to spare the animals.

Animals are our friends! We should not do these things under any circumstance:

• Eat them.
• Torture them by eating them
• Skin them and use their hides for bathing suits

The slide after that had an even skimpier monokini with a blue cheetah print. “Don’t like cheetah’s? Cut one up.”

Then the one after that, a bright yellow monokini from Victoria’s Secret, was marked as a horrifying no-no. “There’s no secret here! Thus proving that monokinis, as fashionable as they are right now, are still highly controversial and only a few styles look truly sun goddess worthy.

Then there was the woman who wore a green bathing suit. The fabric covering her bazooms and her butt were connected to each other with a network of black straps. The straps also extended down to her legs. That should make for some interesting tan lines. Viewing the suit from the back, all you could see where the black straps. Not one hint of what was supposed to be fabric.

The lady modeling the suit is holding an apple. Is she supposed to be Eve in the book of Genesis, holding the forbidden fruit?

Then there’s the lady who’s wearing a panty hose inspired bathing suit. She looks like she has fake boobs. And then took a piece of black panty hose and wrapped it around her body. She is immediately followed by the lady who took a roll of toilet paper and wrapped it around herself.

Or you could always use dental floss.

While those that wear and praise the bikini do show off a lot of skin, there are limits. One must not wear a bikini made of dental floss. Or toilet paper. Or what looks like both. Such swimsuits are the kind that only sex workers wear. Not the normal lady walking on the beach with her man toy.

Bring on the brain bleach!

When choosing a bathing suit, remember what you must not do. Upon hitting the beach, remember to avoid underwear, Paris Hilton, thongs, droopy cover ups that fail to cover up, padded swim dresses, leotard swimwear, stringy monokinis, leopard/cheetah prints, a black strap network swim suit, panty hose, toilet paper, and dental floss.

The Perfect Lady and Lists

We love making lists.

Really love to make lists.

For a while, I’ve been fascinated by this trend. We make lists, buy software to make cool lists, buy pretty memo pads to make more lists, and occasionally follow lists. Don’t forget the little tear-out list sheets at the end of most women’s magazines. Magazines have the most lists. Open any magazine, and you will be bombarded with lists. How-to’s, what not to do lists, and essential checklists that every woman should follow to be happier. Even better, these lists are supposedly formatted by experts, with the intent of making you live a fuller, happier, and more organized life.

Even I can’t deny that lists are useful. My most famous list so far is regarding perfect men. What qualities must the perfect man have? It’s a short list of 18 items that you can print out and place into your 30 pound handbag for easy handling.

The good thing about lists is that they’re so easy to make. They’re easy to look at as well, letting you know exactly what needs to be done, and when. Magazine lists are the best, because they’re made by experts. Experts meaning that the lists tell you the best things that need to be done, and when is the best time to do them. Plus you can just tear out a page or two to read at your leisure.

In fact, the January 2009 issue of Real Simple is called the list issue. THis issue contains 20 essential lists that will make you feel calmer, as well as help you organize your life. There’s “make dinner faster,” “save on home repairs,” “find time to exercise,” and much, much more. And remember: essential means important. Very important. More important than playing the NOM NOM NOM 4 FUD cheezburger game.

Over the course of many magazine readings, I’ve noticed that there are 3 main types of lists. The first one is the list of things to do, mainly known as the “to-do” list. We put all the undone chores, laundry that hasn’t been done, and broken household equipment over here. Cosmo‘s 30 things to do with a naked man goes under this listing. So does Glamour‘s 3 things to do to get that perfect first kiss. They also have a handy picnic checklist for that perfect summer picnic that you’re kind of dreading.

The second type of list is the “things” list. It’s a list of the editors’ favorite things, and as a result, should soon become a list of YOUR favorite things. Or it’s a list of various ways to… get stuff done. For example, we all know that Oprah has many favorite things. Well, here is a list of her favorite things for the summer. Or look at Glamour’s list of 101 ways to have the best sex of your lives. That is, if you pretend that you’re going to spend the whole summer naked. Now wouldn’t that be nice? Cosmo has a list of 7 pairs of shoes for the summer. You’re guaranteed to love these shoes. Don’t forget Oprah’s list of life-changing beauty products.

The last type is the “not to do” list. Similar to the 10 commandments (well, probably not) this type tells us about all the things that we’re not supposed to do. Under any circumstances. No matter what. Real Simple asked its readers of the January issue to give us their lists on what not to do at all. One woman said that she was never going to diet again, climb Mt. Everest, or line her kitchen drawers. Another was not going to worry (good one, that). Another was not going to squish her fat.

A Glamour blogger has a list of things not to do on a blind date. Apparently, she showed up late, drunk, acted stupid, semi-open-minded, and fed her feelings. Cosmo has a list of 10 things not to do on spring break (for you college girls out there). Among them, you must not pick up crabs, pole dance with no underwear, update Twitter every time you drink Tequila, and work on your thesis.

But why are we fascinated with lists? Is it because we feel calmer putting the items that have yet to be done on a list, knowing that we’ll take care of them sometime even if we don’t? Or is it because we feel that our lives are more in control simply by making a simple little list?

All we know is that if we follow the lists that art given us, we shall live a longer and happier life.

All because of one little list.

Or two.

Or three.

Or twenty.

Happy list making!

(There’s even a list on how to rethink  your lists. Here.)

Bikini Cram School

Every year, there are those who succeed. They are the ones who receive the certification of “sun goddess” and walk on the beach or through the water with their glowing, golden skin gleaming in the sunlight, their ab muscles tight and hard, and their skin perfectly smooth. From head to toe, they have fulfilled all the requirements needed to look good in a bikini and honor that bikini properly.

However, every year there are those who fail. They can wear a bikini but they don’t look good in it. Maybe their skin is dry. Maybe they have some flab. Maybe they don’t tan well. Maybe the soles of their feet are grungy. For whatever reason, they have failed to receive the certification of “sun goddess” as described by Glamour. Is there any hope for them/us?

Welcome to bikini cram school.

First of all, the full-figured Jessica Simpson has released a line of teeny bathing suits. If she can do a teeny bathing suit, you can too. Stylist.com has also asked expert Emily Neill on tips on how to look fabulous in a suit without even hitting the gym. Oprah has experts, and they walked out on the street and selected a few ladies who looked fat in their bathing suits. Oprah’s experts also can tell you how to not look old in a swimsuit. Here we will also receive tips about flattering one-piece suits from the Ladies’ Home Journal, for those ladies that simply cannot wear a bikini.

Sounds great, right? Let’s get started.

One morning, I checked Glamour‘s twitter feed for any cool blog posts that I could probably use for this blog. They update so often it’s often overwhelming. But all that info is just there for the taking. With just a simple click I can find out what Ashley Olsen’s been wearing these days, the cool new diet trends that are coming around, and any fashion updates.

Anyway, one of their beauty bloggers reported that Jessica Simpson is releasing a new line of teeny bikinis. She’s teamed up with the swimwear pro Red Carter to create the Jessica Simpson Swim Collection. Sadly, the swimwear won’t hit stores until December, at which time they’ll be perfectly useless. However, Glamour allowed their readers have a sneak peek at what the line has to offer.

The line will consist of swim separates, as Jessica Simpson and Red Carter know how hard it is for women to find bikinis that fit. From what I can say, they’re teeny. Really teeny. I’d like to see whether Jessica Simpson wears one. Seeing how full-figured she is, that should be interesting.

Emily Neil from Stylist has several tips on how to not look fat in a swimsuit. You don’t even have to exercise! If you wear a halter top with a skirt bottom, it can make your toned legs look fat. Wear it with a higher cut bottom.

The tips are supplemented by pictures of “less-than-perfect” women who were guilty of choosing the unlovely suits. The message is clear: if you don’t choose the right bathing suit, you will be sad and glum just like those ladies.

Christine, one of the women undergoing a swimsuit makeover, had a thick middle that she made even thicker by wearing one of those skirt bottoms. She was guilty of compromising on the sexy. You’re not supposed to compromise on sexiness. Knowing this, Neill gave her a suit with a deep V-neck while giving her a bikini bottom that masked her imperfect stomach.

Another lovely lady, Pam, was glum and sad as well. She wore a two piece bathing suit with a bikini top and a polka dot skirt that made her bottom look square and her thighs heavy. She had no curves. What should she do?

Pam was given a green string bikini to make her look curvier (does she?) and the triangles supposedly made her small bust look bigger.

Then we have slim Stephanie. Though she may seem to have little trouble with her shape, she has a long torso and shorter legs “which means that she can make bad suit choices too.” And the very expression on her face attests to this. It’s an expression which says, “What have I done to myself?” The way she’s gesturing to her butt shows that she knows that she has done wrong.

They gave her a bikini, thus showing that you can make yourself look fat even if you technically aren’t fat. Neill had another tip for “correcting” a long torso, which is a flaw. Pair a hip-grazing tankini with a high-cut bottoms. The pair helps create an appearance of longer legs.

Oprah, as with everything else in life, can help us not look fat in a swimsuit. She and a makeover team selected eight different women with ugly bathing suits that had made them look fat. The artists dispensed lots of advice to these eight women, and traded their icky swimsuits for something more desirable and sexy.

Though come to think of it, I’ve never seen Oprah in a bathing suit.

The tips given include:

• Buying a bigger size because one of the worst sins you can commit is buying something that’s too tight and let’s your fat pooch spill out over the edges.
• Brighten up gradually because pale skin doesn’t look good with bright colors. Who knew. When you get more color (orangeness), then and only then can you get bright colors. Maybe an orange bathing suit to match the color of your skin.
• Accentuate the positive. Dark colors where you don’t want attention and patterns where you do. People tend to look at patterns rather than dark colors, methinks, though I wouldn’t know how this works.
• Know your body. If you have big boobs no way are you going to walk out there in tiny little triangles.
• Psych yourself. Again, shopping before lunchtime makes you feel thinner. Don’t shop when you’re bloated. Tan beforehand because tanning makes you feel sexier. That is if you get it right.
• Don’t rush. Those ladies that run in, grab something, and run out? Wrong. Try on at least TEN suits. “If the changing room doesn’t have a three-way mirror, leave.” Always reserve several hours for shopping, if not the whole day. Just remember that you’re not to eat during the process.
• Explore online options. Make sure the website has free returns. Going online means that your house is your changing room. And just remember, if your changing room doesn’t have a three way mirror… uhh… don’t you own one already?

The first lady who had a makeover wore a bright tankini which the team discarded as a no no. They gave her a one-piece, which had the purpose of making people not look at her butt. Another lady, of 60 years of age, wore a bikini with a skirt bottom. Saying that it looked old on her, they gave her a suit with a deep V-neck which again made people avoid looking at her butt. (Tip: “Draws focus upward” is just a fancy phrase for “makes them nt look at butt.”)

The seventh woman wore a bikini much too small. They replaced that bikini with a suit that made her boobs look smaller. Nothing about the butt this time. Except that the original swimsuit was cutting into it, looking quite unflattering.

Finally, the last woman, here on the left, was “so flat chested that she felt her butt was out of proportion.” What did they give her? A string bikini and heels.

It’s all about the butt, ladies.

Lesson 2 from Oprah: How to not look OLD in a swimsuit. As if it weren’t bad enough looking fat. Looking old is pretty horrible, especially in this world which emphasizes that you should look young at all times. Robin Monheit, the article writer, turned to style reporter Charla Krupp, who is the expert on how to not look old, period.

Krupp says that swimsuit shopping is the most tortuous shopping of all. She gives us some more advice on shopping, telling us to shave or wax our legs and bikini line. Don’t forget the tan. She also tells us that a V-neck one-piece looks good on most ladies. Especially with a brooch on the cleavage point that will, guess what, distract people from gazing at your butt.

Any suit with a skirt attached is instant old lady look. Only wear when you want to look like Grandma. Get a swim dress instead, like the one on the right which not only is on a sexy model, but has tummy control.

The tankini is also a disaster (sorry people who went to Stylist.com) for anyone over 40. Just get something that shapes you nicely.

Speaking of shapewear, Krupp advises readers to wear shapewear, especially when they get older. The best ones can take almost an inch off your body. Imagine that. When you get old, you need padding, bra, boning, construction, and more. Otherwise oldness sets in.

Other advise: no boy shorts (sorry, again to the people who went to Stylist.com) unless you look like a boy, no skimpy bikinis unless you look like Madonna (fairly recent picture on left, gotta love those arms coff coff), cutouts unless you’re Paris Hilton and even then you’ll need the eye bleach, horizontal stripes, metallics because those make you look fat, no going braless, or white.

Finally, there are those who simply cannot wear a bikini. For those ladies in question, there are an array of pretty one piece swimsuits at their disposal. Ladies’ Home Journal has a list of one piece swimsuits that will flatter your figure “and hide trouble spots.”

• There’s the classic sporty suit. Called a “Shape Solver,” these have super-strong Lycra that will shape AND flatter. Meaning it won’t shape you into a ball or something like that. About a hundred bucks.
• Slenderizing details are good too. Calvin Klein has one that has piping that will “slim the silhouette.”
• Land’s End has a Slender Suit for 62 bucks. It supposedly looks good on EVERYONE.
• The belted suit will help you “channel your inner Bond girl.” It’s no longer your inner child. Or your inner spirit. Or your inner goddess. It’s the inner Bond girl. I thought the Bond girls didn’t wear suits. From what I read they went around in the nude.
• Then there’s the Tucked-in Tummy, on the right for your enjoyment. Miraclesuit has a beauty for 126 dollars. It has the panels and the bands which will ensure that you won’t bulge anywhere.
• Don’t forget strategic ruching. The black number on the right is available from Anne Cole Studios for $114. Notice all the fancy ruching. That has the purpose of elongating the torso. Remember the lady with the short torso? This bathing suit has the means of correcting that defect.
• How about a fancy vintage style swimsuit for 80 which will make you have sexy curves where you had none? Also hides what you don’t want shown. Only 80 dollars!
• Then the colorful one piece that has a hole to reveal cleavage.
• Or the wrap suit. We need all the help we can get, so why not enlist some optical illusions? 116 from Miraclesuit.
• And more.

And with prices of more than 70 dollars, you’re all set to go!

The moral? Even if you didn’t lose the weight, there is still hope for you. Even if you are not fat, you can still look fat because of your poor choices. Or old. Oprah knows best. Bathing suit advisors contradict.

But an expensive suit with ruching can solve all your problems.