Posts tagged ‘imperfect’

It’s a Sad World

When Obama ascended to the Presidency, people celebrated in the streets. They cried tears of joy, knowing that this was a milestone for the American people. After all, this was the first time a man with African American blood had succeeded in becoming president through the choice of the people.

No wonder people wept.

He carried the hopes and dreams of all of us. We had faith in him. We knew that he could be something great. We knew that he could fulfill all the dreams that we had ever wanted, including pulling the troops out of Iraq. He had a lot of potential.

He was the perfect man.

I say “was.”

For soon after, President Obama committed a grave error.

An error that he would not soon recover from.

He wore mom jeans to a baseball game.

*silence*

0721barack-obama-mom-jeans_fa.jpg

See? SEE??

What made this grave sin worse was the fact that Michelle Obama is a gorgeous woman and has an amazing fashion sense, not to mention nice guns.

According to Glamour, on the Today Show, Meredith Viera asked the President the “really, really tough question.”

The fashion police went after you. They called them dad jeans, nerd jeans. You are married to one of the most fashionable women in the world. Do you want to defend the pants?

michelle obama formalShe really puts it out there. “Do you want to defend the pants?” We know you messed up. The mark of a good president is of whether or not he admits that he was wrong in his fashion choice and promises to do better. Defend the pants? Dude, that’s just… not wise.

What did Obama say?

I’m a little frumpy.

He didn’t even blink an eye. Our president also stated that until a few years ago (why until then?) his wife made fun of him for only owning four suits. He also apparently hates to shop. Obama continued, “For those of you who want your president to look great in his tight jeans, I’m sorry, I’m not the guy.”

What was Glamour’s response to that? The blogger lady concluded that he had indeed defended his “mom jeans.”

If you click the link I provided, you can watch the video where the Very Important Question (as the blogger called it) comes up, along with Mr. President’s response.

Newsday also stated that we could stop talking about his wife’s toned arms and start talking about our president’s “unflattering, baggy blue jeans.” A fashion stylist, trying to look at the positive side, said, “Kudos for him to be thinking about moms.” While some felt that our president is not very concerned about fashion because he’s doing his job as a president, others disagreed. They pointed out that he was very happy to talk about his White Sox jacket which he wore with his mom jeans. Obama even stated that his wife thought he looked cute in the jacket.

OBAMA_Barack_2005“It’s not clear what she thinks about the pants.”

New York Magazine was very very very horrified. They were so horrified that they were sputtering with all the words that they were trying to say about their horror. We cannot let this sin go on! This mistake is a big mistake and must be corrected immediately! How offensive!!

He wears clothes because they’re comfortable? What is he — some sort of dad? Oh, right.

Last I heard, he had two daughters. But fatherhood pales in comparison to his role as President, and subsequently a man who must not burn our eyes with horrible mom jeans.

No one expects the president to waltz into JCPenney like it’s Five Guys and order up a hot new pair of pants as tight as Zac Efron’s. But that doesn’t mean he can’t try something a little darker, a little longer, and just a tiny bit slimmer. Surely Michelle’s aide can add an extra item to her basket the next time he or she online shops at J.Crew.

Yet another blogger complained that Obama wasn’t manly enough.

Yup – “one size fits all” – tends to separate the men from the boys.

She continues by stating that baseball is a manly sport and that Barack slipped on his wife’s jeans by mistake, and that he should have thought more about his choice of pants. She said that he was a bit… nellie. Whatever that means. And that he should “butch up his act a tad.”

Maybe you didn’t know this, but he has also committed the same fashion sin before. People still remember. At least the fashion police do. It’s apparently burned into their retinas. Glamour started their report by asking,

You know how your dad embarrassed you terribly in fifth grade by telling bad jokes and asking your friends about the boy you had a crush on and–maybe the most egregious–walking around in a pair of nerdy, faded Lee jeans that he’d had since the 70s?

Can you just feel for his daughters right now? He had some mom jeans that looked like Urkel or whatever, and then he bought a nicer pair of jeans because he was getting a hard time from all the blogs. Talk about pressure. With his newer, nicer pair of jeans, he was TRANSFORMED from a frumpy president to a less frumpy president (because people didn’t like the jacket he wore with the new jeans).

1030barack-mom-jeans_fa.jpg

One thing is clear from this: If you are the President of the United States, don’t wear mom jeans. Not only will you horrify everyone who knows what good fashion is, you will be expected to spend more time shopping. You will also insult all of mankind by appearing like a woman. And finally, you will embarrass your daughters and your country. So make the right choices in fashion, and you will live long and happily and will probably be reelected.

It’s also a sad world where the President has to defend his super offensive mom jeans.

July 22, 2009 at 9:16 am 12 comments

What Not To Wear, Bikini Style

For the past few weeks, we’ve looked at and poked and investigated. We’ve gone shopping, starved ourselves for days just to feel thin, and exercised our butts off. We’ve cut out pasta, looked for the best one piece suits which would not make us look fat or old, all the while looking for that perfect bikini that would make us into a sun goddess. We’ve tanned, we’ve sloughed off our skin, and we’ve softened the soles of our feet with a rigorous beauty regime.

What next?

We must know what to avoid.

We must know the bathing suits which, though they may fit well, just look plain ugly. Or will end up somewhere on the web, with commenters making fun of you. And once we know which to avoid, we must then do that — avoid. Stay away. Do not wear. Do not buy. Do not try on in the swimsuit store.

First of all, do not take your swimsuit cues from Paris Hilton. Just this year, the heiress has been sighted in some mighty interesting bathing suits.

Here’s one of the most awful.

1Robokini

The sex tape star has been ridiculed for this creative bathing suit by many LOLz. So unless you want to be a butt of jokes, do not wear this bathing suit. Do NOT.

How about her “crochetkini” from a year back? Oh dear.

5.crochetkini0

She looks happy, though. Don’t burst her bubble, anyone.

Let’s not even talk about the bathing suit picture snapped in Hawaii where she was scratching her butt. See the rest of the photos here.

Glamour has a list of do’s and don’ts for hitting the beach. These do’s and don’ts range from bathing suits to skin care to coverups.

marilyn_monroeWe heard from Oprah’s experts that white bathing suits are a don’t and must NOT be worn at all. However, Glamour tells us something different. White bathing suits are a DO. They show off bodies. While Oprah’s experts tell us that white bathing suits are embarrassing, especially when they get wet, Glamour‘s experts tell us that they show off your body really well. I’m sure.

Conclusion: white bathing suit = grey area.

Slide 6 is a weird one. This anonymous woman has been a victim of poor judgement. She is to be pitied, now delegated to being the laughingstock, with her awful bathing suit pictures circulating the web. What’s the woman wearing? “Is it a top? A suit? A bunch of straps? Just imagine the tan lines!” You decide. To me it looks like she’s wearing a bra over a monokini. Not just one bra top, but two or three.

Don’t be like her. Wear one swimsuit, not a monokini with two bras or whatever it is that she’s wearing.

Thongs are also a no no. Even if your butt is nice. Don’t. Ugh.

Don’t get a ruched bottom. Ruching can make your boobs look bigger. But they do not go on your butt. This poor woman in slide 12 has a tush to die for, they say, but the ruched bottom ruins it all. Poor lady.

BeachSarongNo droopy drawers or sarongs. Cover up is cover up. Not bare all. Please! The lady in slide 16 is guilty of a droopy sarong. It’s around her hips and does not cover her bathing suit at all. You’ve gotta see it to believe it. To make matters worse, she’s wearing a monokini thing that does not fit well enough.

No heels with swimsuits. Just because Oprah puts her gals in heels with their swimsuits doesn’t mean you should actually walk around like that.

Finally, underwear is NOT swimwear.

Period.

Keep your lacy bras off the beach.

Meanwhile, a cool site called Momlogic has a gallery with their collection of 25 horrifying swimsuits. These swimsuits have committed some of the worst of fashion sins and should be delegated to the seventh level of fashion hell.

23_5_fullSuch as the poor woman (slide 3) who is said to be searching for her dignity. Her swimsuit is not a swimsuit. It’s a dress. That looks to be about 3 layers thick. The girl on the right is wearing some sort of shorts/shirt combo underneath her very own padded swim dress. They look happy…

The question here is: in this day and age when so many women, even the ones who shouldn’t be seen in such swimsuits, are opting for tiny bikinis and monokinis with strategic cutouts, why would women want to wear a padded swim dress? We who diet and fast and exercise to be worthy of the bikini cannot understand.

The same store sells a padded shorts/coverall sort of swim suit. It sort of looks like the dress, only it’s shorts. Happy children are seen wearing them.

18_5_fullThis suit also defies the logic we’ve learned on the hunt for a perfect bikini. Swimsuits should not be leotards. The goal of wearing a swimsuit is a. to get a nice tan and b. to show off as much skin as possible. Didn’t she get the memo? Obviously not.

Then there’s the fringe bathing suit. Yes, the kind of bathing suit which is made up ONLY of fringe. It’s worse than anything we’ve ever seen on Paris Hilton, guaranteed. Fringe belongs on your handbag, not your skimpy bikini bathing suit. Or should that be “fringini”? The lady wearing the bathing suit looked like someone who sold sex for a living. Or a topless dancer/stripper. Granted, that kind of bathing suit would probably draw a lot of attention.

Not the nice kind of attention.

14_32_fullThen there’s the bodacious woman wearing a skimpy monokini. What was the problem? Not the monokini, as you might think. It was the fact that her monokini had LEOPARD PRINT. Boo. Do not wear a bathing suit that looks like you’ve skinned an animal and made a suit out of it. You will get letters from the PETA telling you to spare the animals.

Animals are our friends! We should not do these things under any circumstance:

  • Eat them.
  • Torture them by eating them
  • Skin them and use their hides for bathing suits

The slide after that had an even skimpier monokini with a blue cheetah print. “Don’t like cheetah’s? Cut one up.”

Then the one after that, a bright yellow monokini from Victoria’s Secret, was marked as a horrifying no-no. “There’s no secret here! Thus proving that monokinis, as fashionable as they are right now, are still highly controversial and only a few styles look truly sun goddess worthy.

Then there was the woman who wore a green bathing suit. The fabric covering her bazooms and her butt were connected to each other with a network of black straps. The straps also extended down to her legs. That should make for some interesting tan lines. Viewing the suit from the back, all you could see where the black straps. Not one hint of what was supposed to be fabric.

monokiniThe lady modeling the suit is holding an apple. Is she supposed to be Eve in the book of Genesis, holding the forbidden fruit?

Then there’s the lady who’s wearing a panty hose inspired bathing suit. She looks like she has fake boobs. And then took a piece of black panty hose and wrapped it around her body. She is immediately followed by the lady who took a roll of toilet paper and wrapped it around herself.

Or you could always use dental floss.

While those that wear and praise the bikini do show off a lot of skin, there are limits. One must not wear a bikini made of dental floss. Or toilet paper. Or what looks like both. Such swimsuits are the kind that only sex workers wear. Not the normal lady walking on the beach with her man toy.

Bring on the brain bleach!

When choosing a bathing suit, remember what you must not do. Upon hitting the beach, remember to avoid underwear, Paris Hilton, thongs, droopy cover ups that fail to cover up, padded swim dresses, leotard swimwear, stringy monokinis, leopard/cheetah prints, a black strap network swim suit, panty hose, toilet paper, and dental floss.

July 3, 2009 at 11:27 am 3 comments

Being Single: Part 2

rhodiumfingerprintweddingbandsIn my last post, I talked about what single women are like, and how we can turn into them if we stay single. Make no mistake: being single is evil. And a BIG problem.

Fortunately, there’s something we can do to fix this problem.

1. Read magazines. Lots of them. Magazines are the best source for dating advice. As well as tips on how to get an attractive guy. Cosmopolitan magazine tells you about the traits that will be sure to attract that guy. For example, you  have to dress for guys, not girls. Men want to see curves, baby. Give them curves. You also need to have a burning passion, and not just for him. I’m super enthusiastic about my lightsabers and my Mighty Muggs collection, for instance. Guys really like things like that.

Marie Claire has FOUR things you can do to attract guys. Smile, have sense of humor, tell the dude something he doesn’t know, and be independent.

Did you know that there are 7 main lightsaber forms in the Jedi Order?

Bet you didn’t know that.

Shine Yahoo! has the first seven steps on how to meet and keep a mate. The writer recommends making a list of all the qualities you want in a mate.

Glamour says that women should try out the sexy bedhead hairdo to attract guys. Apparently guys think that’s HOT. Sadly, they don’t know that the sexy bedhead look really takes as long as a perfect coiff. *sigh*

2. Get an account on eHarmony and USE it. It works. Just read the success stories.

How does eHarmony work?

At eHarmony, our patented Compatibility Matching System® narrows the field from millions of candidates to a highly select group of singles that are compatible with you. Unlike other sites where you can post a picture and paragraph and then browse the profiles of other users, eHarmony does the matching for you based on 29 DimensionsTM of personality that are scientifically-based predictors of long-term relationship success.

3. Listen to the Spammers. The worst when it comes to Singles Spam is Yahoo. See samples here. Lately Youtube has been pretty awful, too. There’s just so many chain messages telling you just how you can get a partner. Check them out here.

4. Join some matchmaking reality show. There’s the Millionaire Matchmaker.

With her business booming and her notoriety increasing, Stanger is at the top of her game as owner of a Los Angeles-based elite matchmaking service in which she helps wealthy men find the women of their dreams. But this season, there’s a twist, as Patti adds female millionairesses and gay millionaire clients to the mix.

There’s also Tough Love.

Eight women, struggling to find love, arrive at the VH1 Tough Love Boot camp to enlist the aide of mother and son Master Matchmakers, Steven and JoAnn Ward. First impressions are everything, and Steven wastes no time preparing the girls for love as he puts them through their first grueling exercise — learning what men really think of them based on their appearance alone. The feedback isn’t pretty, but it’s the truth, and after only one day at Boot Camp, one of the girls is sent to the hospital.

That’s the summary of the first episode. Steven and JoAnn Ward are helping these eight women find love. And this guy really knows how to do it.

At the season finale:

It’s been a long, emotional journey for our cast and this is the final challenge. Who will find true love, who will end their budding relationships, and who won’t be able to handle Steve’s final moment of Tough Love?

5. Rent a boyfriend. The people in China do it.

Lastly, relationships don’t last forever. At some point, they’ll end. That perfect hunk? Well… he has bad breath when he wakes up in the morning. It might end up that you’ll dump him over his Twitter addiction. Or his iTunes playlist. When that relationship turns into divorce, separation, or a nasty break up, remember that he’s just another picture to burn.

State the obvious
I didn’t get my perfect fantasy
I realized you love yourself
More that you could ever love me

So go and tell your friends
That I’m obsessive and crazy
That’s fine, I’ll tell mine
You’re gay and by the way

I hate that stupid old pickup truck
You never let me drive
You’re a redneck, heartbreak
Who’s really bad at lying

So watch me strike a match
On all my wasted time
As far as I’m concerned
You?re just another picture to burn

There’s no time for tears
I’m just sitting here planning my revenge
There’s nothing stopping me
From going out with all of your best friends

Happy Hunting!

June 13, 2009 at 2:07 pm 1 comment

On Being Single: Part I

snow-white1When you were young, you were raised on fairytales like Cinderella. A beautiful woman who is also good goes to a ball and meets the prince, who promptly falls in love with her. Maybe you played with dolls like Barbie who were almost never single. Barbie has Ken, after all. Even if she does have a rather interesting relationship with him.

Then when you became a teenager, you heard songs like Fearless or Love Story which tell you just how awesome it is to be in love.

Then as an adult, you read the romance novels where a bright, beautiful, and busty young woman meets a handsome, young, and hunky man and falls in love with him. Along with that, you started reading the gossip columns. Who is Jennifer Aniston dating now? Will she ever find a man? What about Owen Wilson’s “unrequited” love for Kate Hudson… and their relationship that’s on again off again? It’s even led to a suicide attempt for him during one of their breaks.

Sometimes we see celebrities who say, “I’m single and loving it” but really, who are they kidding? Carrie Underwood says that she’s single and happy. Cameron Diaz also says that she’s single and happy. As reported to Parade magazine, she isn’t afraid to walk away from a romance that’s not working because she’ll be fine on her own. (She also told Ellen DeGeneres that she’s a commitment phobe.) Taylor Swift, after her breakup with Joe Jonas, is also single and lovin’ it.

Even the great Robert Pattinson of Twilight is single and loving it! *gasp* In fact, he says that “I don’t see people. I don’t even have people’s phone numbers. I almost don’t want to have a girlfriend in this environment.”

Blame the media. I can sort of see why, considering gossip like this: Twilight Love Triangle? Robert Pattinson torn between co-stars…

taylor-swift-seventeen-09-may-cover-01

We hear them say that they’re single and happy. So we try to be single and happy. We try to embrace our single state… all the while hugging our pillows in bed at night. Or our Pooky teddy bears. And then flip through magazines like Cosmo or Glamour, seeking tips on how to meet new people. And at the same time looking through the tabloids to see which single celebrities are falling apart.

Make no mistake, being single sucks. Especially when your friends are all unsingle? Who has not known the pain of being alone, without a man? Or… to love a man yet have him love someone else?

Who has not know the pain of having furniture to build but no man to build it?

*sob*

image007Not only that, we all know what single women are like. They’re old spinsters who have nothing better to do with their time than gossip about who’s going out with who. They are young women that eat chocolate and cry while reading romance novels. Or the evil stepmother in Snow White. Or they’re the type of girl you never liked because they always seemed to be batting their eyes at your boyfriend. Or the type of woman who says in interviews that they’re single and loving it, but meanwhile write songs like Teardrops on My Guitar.

Or maybe just grumpy.

We could turn into them if we’re not careful.

In my next post, I’m going to show you how you can fix this problem!

June 11, 2009 at 9:57 am 4 comments

Celebrities and the Perfect Tan

The celebrities, knowing how hard it is to get a perfect tan, have come to our rescue! Lindsay Lohan has produced a new line of sunless tanner, called Sevin Nyne. 

lindsay-lohan-ck-25Most people know that Lindsay Lohan is the queen of horrible orange tans. Summer after summer, this celebrity has posed on the runaways and red carpets in brilliant tangerine glory. She has also made the tabloid/gossip lists of worst tans ever. There is hope that Lohan, knowing how tricky self-tanners can be, will make a great self-tanner without the trickiness. All those summers sacrificing her reputation? Maybe that was for a greater cause. Maybe all that knowledge can be put to good use, all going into a tanner that the common people can use.

Of course, if orange tans are in, there’s not much we can do about it, anyway. Except go with the flow.

Lohan recently held a launch party for Sevin Nyne. She and Lorit Simon, the co-creator of this tanning mist, appeared at the end of April in the Santa Monica Sephora store to talk about the new product. Here’s some pictures from the event. During the event, she talked to her fans about this new product. A bikini-clad model was there to show the results. More pictures here. Ali Lohan came along for the ride. It looks like Lindsay did a lot of posing. 

6a00d8341c630a53ef01156e9d1eea970c-800wiLindsay was inspired to create this new line of tanning products after she searched high and low (yes, we know) for a tanner that wouldn’t make her look orange, streaker, or a freak. And wouldn’t land her on every single worst celebrity tan list. Next to Donald Trump. 

The website includes some more information about this product. In 2006, Lohan couldn’t find any tanning products she loved. Then she met the celebrity airbrush tanner Lorit Simon, and they began perfecting a “state-of-the-art tanning formula” that didn’t have to only be for the celebrities, but for the teaming masses yearning to be streak-free. Then today, this tanner provides a “gorgeous, streak-free glow while nourishing skin with a powerful anti-oxidant goji berry moisturizing chardonnay extracts.” Finally, something that works, while “nourishing” your skin. 

Then in the subsection “How it began,” we find that the most courageous act is to think for yourself. Apparently, Lindsay Lohan has done that. 

Entrepreneur, actress, singer and style icon Lindsay Lohan always seems to have the perfect tan, but she knows better than to bake her sensitive skin in the sun. Over the years, Lindsay tried every sunless tanning product on the market, but she never found one she loved until she met celebrity airbrush tanner expert Lorit Simon. 

Um… what? I never saw a Lohan with a perfect tan. Except in the Sevin Nyne website. But that was after.

 Lindsay named the brand after her own lucky numbers, 7 and 9, thus staying with the number theme she established after founding another company she is passionate about, lifestyle brand 6126.

They also donate a portion of their profits to skin cancer awareness charities.

lindsay_lohan_300x400Nice. 

The website is full of seductive pictures of Lindsay Lohan, presumably showing off the results of her beautiful tan. Yup, that’s her all right. 

The tanning mist also contains fig and coconut. Described as glamour insistent, this tanning mist claims to offer a “sexy shimmer that will have you red carpet-reader almost immediately.” 

I’ll keep that in mind the next time I’m on the red carpet and I need a nice tan.

Sephora, the main distributor of this mist, also has a few words to say.

With a gorgeous, golden glow as her ultimate beauty accessory, actress/singer Lindsay Lohan introduces Sevin Nyne Tanning Mist—her sunless secret to achieving a flawless tan. In collaboration with celebrity airbrush tanner Lorit, the two worked together to make a luxurious tanning mist that was once only available to Lorit’s celebrity clients.

Lindsay Lohan

Lohan @ Launch Party

So this product is no longer just for the rich and famous, but for us. Why should only the celebrities experience tanning perfection? We are entitled to it as well, and Lindsay knows this.

Now I certainly hope that her “sunless secret” during those orange years wasn’t this tanning product. 2007, 2008… all orange years. 

This site contains tips for a perfect Sevin Nyne tan, courtesy of Lindsay Lohan herself. 

So far, Sevin Nyne has received good reviews. It currently holds 4.2 stars out of 5 at Sephora’s website, and Kate Sullivan of Allure has had the honor of testing it out. She says that it’s a pretty good product that left her skin nicely brown. However, Sullivan says that she did find it hard to keep the spraying even, and the instructions didn’t indicate how long she should let the tanner dry before wearing clothes. All the same, it’s her new go-to product. 

Sevin Nyne has 4.7 out of 5 stars on Amazon. The Washington Post has also reviewed this tan. The reviewer, Liz, was slightly skeptical.

Chardonnay extracts? Sure, why not. Who was I to say that box wine isn’t the fountain of youth or that a woman who spent at least some of the last three years in jail and/or rehab couldn’t secretly be a chemist? I was ready to “feel sexy and red carpet ready.”

Read the rest of the review, and make your own conclusions.  :D

paris-hilton-cellA Lindsay Lohan fan site is enthusiastic about this product. The reviewer says that despite Lindsay’s rep as a party gal and not a chemist, and despite naming the tan after her favorite numbers which have absolutely nothing to do with tanner, this product actually works. And Lohan was the guinea pig.

My head tells me that Lindsay Lohan will not be the only one putting forth this sort of product.

But who knows? When Paris Hilton comes out with acne cream, that will be the day.

June 6, 2009 at 9:29 am 12 comments

The perfect lady and tanning

79655963_8c442f1f52

Summer is the season of imagination.

Often, we have imagined ourselves lying on a deck chair with our beautifully slim, toned bodies in a skimpy, two-piece bathing suit, getting an even, golden tan. A hunky, equally wonderfully tanned man with white teeth is there at our beck and call. At the moment, he is handing us a glass of cool, refreshing Metamusil. 

However, that cannot always be so. With the skin cancer movement, it is now unsafe to sit out in the sun for long periods of time. Your skin will become baked, fried. You could get age spots. You could get wrinkles. You could look older, for heavens’ sake. And leathery skin… who wants leathery skin? So instead, the hunky man beef is delegated to the task of slathering SPF 30 suntan lotion on our beautiful skin. 

Is there no way to get the beautiful tans the movie stars and supermodels have? For we must have a tan. We do know that everyone else has a tan in the summer. Why fall behind? Pale is out, despite the efforts of Edward Cullen, and tan is in.

Jennifer Lopez

Jennifer Lopez

There is a solution. Fear not, for there is sunless tanner! No we can get a tan that could indeed rival J-Lo’s fake bake. (Jennifer Lopez was voted number one best tan by listaholic.com. Baked to orange perfection, she is said to have that “gorgeous sun-kissed look that is just about perfect.”)

captivesofthenightAfter all, in the past, the romance novels prophesied the beginnings of the sunless tanner. The covers spoke of a time when we would no longer be in danger of UV radiation and skin cancer. They also spoke, in their primitive way, of a time of orange tans. As they were not yet in the enlightened age that we are in right now, they looked at the orange tans, and they called them good. And there was evening, and there was morning. And lo, the tans faded.

img-mg---celebrity-tans---donald-trump_194629659991Even Donald Trump is getting into the act. He has been seen around town sporting an orange tan. Even at his age, too! (How old is he, anyway?) Make no mistake, sun or no sun, fake tans are fashionable. Romance novel covers have them. Jennifer Lopez has them. Even the great Donald Trump has them! 

The magazines abound with tips on how to get the best fake tan. They have come to the rescue, telling us that yes, we can get a tan that rivals even Jennifer Lopez. They also tell us what looks to avoid.

fake-tanning-brooke-hogan-400a071707For example, an AOL site has published a list of celebrity fake tanning disasters. Among the members of the list is Brooke Hogan (on the right), a star who has made both the fake tan disaster list and the perfect tan list. Don’t look like her, but do look like her. Simple! It really isn’t that hard to get orange.

The site Radar Online tells us how to tan like a celebrity. They say, “everyone wants the perfect tan but tanning in the sun is sooo last decade, not to mention dangerous.” The tanning system they have is $149. In a word, airbrush (not the computer kind). It supposedly lasts 14 days.

besl04_beautycrisis0806Cosmo has a list of 10 sunless tanners that will have you looking like a bronzed beauty in no time! There is St. Tropez Whipped Mousse, which supposedly is a celeb favorite. There’s also Victoria’s Secret Gleaming Self-Tan Body Tint, which doesn’t have the nasty smell that most tanners come with. It costs eighteen bucks. Picture on the left. There’s shimmery leg gel, a tanner that produces believable color (uhh. Orange?), and a sunless foam for beginners. 

Thankfully, Cosmo also has a guide on how to tan perfectly. Scrub your skin, enhance, base, get instant results, put on gloves, broad strokes, and tone down any streaks.

NiveaSunkissedShaveGlamour also has nine products that are the ultimate guide to self-tanning. “Go ahead, get glowing.” Their products are different from Cosmo‘s. The list includes Nivea Sun-Kissed Beautiful Legs, Clinique’s lotion that will give you an extra sexy tan, Fusion Beauty Natural Protein Tan, and Lancome’s Flash Bronzer Airbrush, to name a few. 

Here are Allure‘s tips for getting the best spray tan. Prepare yourself by using a scrub to exfoliate, dress for the occasion by wearing paper underwear, go it alone (can’t understand what that means), look sharp, and make it last. 

Maybe with luck and much practice, you will get a tan that can rival even Jennifer Lopez’s or Brooke Hogan’s. 

Summer. The season of orange tans. Of orange celebrities promoting their orange tans. Of magazines which promise great products which might or might not give you orange tans… and you do want a tan like J-Lo’s, anyway.

Good luck, and happy tanning!

Next  up: A notably orange celebrity comes to the rescue with her own fake tanner line! You won’t believe who. 

June 4, 2009 at 10:27 am 4 comments

My Beautiful Mommy

Say you’re a mother of a little girl who looks just like you. Mommy has raised her daughter as wisely as she could, telling her, “Honey, be who you want to be. You can be a doctor, a lawyer, or a CEO of a huge firm. Don’t let anything stand in your way. You are a beautiful little princess, and mommy loves you.” However, Mommy looks at herself in the mirror and says, “Mommy doesn’t look very pretty.”

All things considered, you decide that it’s time to make Mommy pretty just like a movie star! You decide to get bigger boobs, a tummy tuck, and a nose job.

There’s only one problem. How are you going to explain this to  your little girl, who does look a lot like you?

mommy-coverHunky Dr. Michael comes to the rescue with My Beautiful Mommy! The cover features a very happy child with a teddy bear, gazing at her newly sparkly, beautiful mother who rivals Barbie in appearance.

This book (aimed at ages 4 to 7) is a guide on how to explain to your child exactly why you’re getting the surgeries, in language your child can understand. “A must-have for any mother with young children considering plastic surgery!” (I’m quoting Dr. Michael.) 

Big Tent Books describes the book as an aid to explain your transformation to your children. 

The story guides children through Mommy’s surgery and healing process in a friendly, nonthreatening way.

The only review on this site says,

Great Book! Explains to kids in non-threatening way how mommy has deep-seated insecurities that can be “magically hacked away”! Lets kids know that nature “ain’t perfect”!

Which is all that this book does, and more. 

barbieFor example, the mother in the book explains to her daughter that she’s getting a tummy tuck. “You see, as I got older, my body stretched and I couldn’t fit into my clothes anymore. Dr. Michael is going to help fix that and make me feel better.” Then she comes home looking like a slightly bruised Barbie doll with demure bandages. According to Parent Talk Today’s website, the book doesn’t explain why Mommy is getting her nose job. However, she reassures her daughter, saying that the new nose won’t just look “different, my dear — prettier!”

The book doesn’t talk about Mommy’s breast augmentation either. I’d like them to explain that. The illustrations do show that her boobs are fuller and higher. 

My Beautiful Mommy ends happily. The mommy is happy because she will look more beautiful. The child is thrilled at her mommy’s beauty, not to mention being proud to have such a beautiful mommy. Everyone is happy! 

Because we all know how plastic surgery makes people happy. And we also know that you want your child to be proud of your looks. It’s important that your child go through life not being ashamed that his/her mommy is ugly. Things like ugly noses and small boobs are stuff that should be avoided, anyway. 

barbie_fThe book has its own website. It’s available for 20 bucks at Amazon. Newsweek has published an article about it. They write,

Salzhauer got the idea for a book after noticing that women were coming into his office with their kids in tow. He says that mysterious doctor’s visits can be frightening for children. “Parents generally tend to go into this denial thing. They just try to ignore the kids’ questions completely.” But, he adds, children “fill in the blanks in their imagination” and then feel worse when they see “mommy with bandages,” he says. “With the tummy tucks, [the mothers] can’t lift anything. They’re in bed. The kids have questions.”

A bit hard to explain plastic surgery, isn’t it? Easy to explain childbirth (there’s a baby in mommy’s tummy) and sickness (mommy’s not feeling that great right now), but cosmetic surgery? We have Dr. Michael to thank for making the job easier!

In any case, this will help your daughter understand that she can whisk away all her physical imperfections and securities by scheduling an appointment at her local plastic surgeon’s. This will teach her that plastic surgery makes life better while making people happy and proud of you.

May 29, 2009 at 2:29 pm 5 comments

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