The Perfect Lady and her Horoscope
I’ve been doing a lot of browsing on my favorite sites. Sites like Cosmo, Glamour, Marie Claire, and Elle. I’ve noticed something funny. All these sites have a special section titled either “Horoscopes” or “Astrology.” Why?
It turns out that women are fascinated with horoscopes! We love to have hints about what the future may hold. Do we need to know if we’ll meet a man? Read the horoscope! Do we need to know if there’s any future in the relationship we’re in? Read the horoscope! Do we need to know if now is the most profitable time to take out the trash? Read the horoscope! The horoscope seems to have the answer to everything. And for many of us women, horoscopes are the first thing we turn to, and the thing that regulates our lives.
This comes as no surprise to Daily Telegraph astrologer Catherine Tennant. She said: “People are fascinated by horoscopes because it gives them a sense that they are connected to the cosmos, the pattern of stars and the planets…
She believes that astrology works on the belief that the sun is at the centre of our personality, as it is at the centre of the universe. “Forecasting is looking at where the planets are today and what their mathematical relationship is to your birth chart or your star sign. The pattern of the solar system when you were born will never exactly repeat itself. It is your unique natal chart. However, common horoscopes work by examining the position of your sun sign, you share these with a twelfth of the population.”
However, it seems that women are more fascinated with horoscopes than men. Why is that? I went on Menshealth.com to see if they had a horoscope. They didn’t. At least not on their front page where it could be immediately found. Instead, they had a section called “Guy Wisdom” which had advice on how to best look like a MH cover guy. As well as other things. Unfortunately I couldn’t find out exactly why women are thought more fascinated with horoscopes/astrology than guys, I just noted that it seemed to be an accepted thing.
From this dating advice website:
Women have a strange fascination with horoscopes, while most men tend to scoff at astrology. Show her how sensitive you are. Tell her that you looked up her horoscope. Just acknowledging that you bothered to read hers will be flattering to her.
Cost: Five minutes of your time.
Tip 1: You need to know her birth date and year.
Tip 2: Extra points if you looked up your compatibility.
Tip 3: Even more points if you remembered any of it and can quote something relevant.
I had a look at the different sites to see what they offered. Glamour.com has a dream dictionary. You can find out what your dreams are trying to tell you about your love, life, etc. Marie Claire has a horoscope for love and sex, food, life, fashion, and on and on. Cosmo is limited to the daily horoscope. Not much there. Elle has a love chart, and numerology as well as the daily horoscope. Shine @ yahoo gives you the option to get a personalized horoscope as well as a daily cosmic calendar. Oprah does NOT have a daily horoscope, but she has articles on how useful astrology is (very useful). The website for Seventeen also offers the daily horoscope (why am I not surprised?). Their site is (now I’m surprised) more advanced than a lot of the magazine sites out there. Not only do they have a daily horoscope. They also have a compatibility finder, a calculator that uses astrology to answer questions like “what gift should I buy for him?” They also have a Luck Guru and a Crystal Ball.
And a free widget! Shame on you, Cosmo and all you other sites!
I’m a Pisces. According to Astrology Online, I am imaginative and sensitive, compassionate and kind, selfless and unworldly, intuitive and sympathetic. There’s a dark side to me, however. I am escapist and idealistic. Secretive and vague. Weak-willed and easily led.
I decided to have a look at a bunch of different horoscopes to see what is in my future! After all… every woman needs guidance from the stars.
Glamour: Your vision for the future is a bit foggy right now, but you need clarity now more than ever. Therefore, in order to understand what you want for yourself, you need to take all the time you need to ponder where you want to take your life over the next five years. Do not apologize for being slow — your future is too important! Luckily it won’t take long for you to come up with a few ideas, especially since you see a great opportunity that could change everything.
Marie Claire: They copied from Glamour! I don’t like it when the different sites pass around the same astrologist…
But still… what a mouthful of a horoscope. The vision is foggy… therefore you need clarity! Don’t worry, I’m used to waiting around.
Cosmo: If you want to redecorate but are on a tight budget, consider buying slipcovers that will hide the flaws and save you big bucks.
This is why I never make my bed. Instead I pull the top sheet over all the lumps and hide the lumps with stuffed animals.
Elle: You’ve been hiding your true leadership abilities under a rock. Life gets b-o-o-o-ring when you’re devoid of a challenge. Transform at least one coworker relationship today with a show of ballsiness. Of course you ARE aware that revealing your power could mean being saddled with greater responsibility. So be it. In terms of your own personal fulfillment, it’s better to be a little overloaded than way underwhelmed these days.
Wow… no wonder I was getting all snitchy on that guy who isn’t pulling his weight…
Shine @ Yahoo: Don’t believe everything you hear today — especially if someone is trying to swell you something! Even ideas or ideologies should be suspect, as the world is filled with charlatans today.
For a few moments I was wondering if the astrologist was trying to tell me something.
Seventeen: Your ambition could rise today when the Aries moon makes you think more about what money means to your life. Maybe you will see an expensive prom dress that you know your folks will probably not want to buy — or you might just wish you had more cash. You are never powerless, especially with Pluto and the sun giving you the ability to work for the things you want.
What does money mean to my life? I sure need it if I’m going to survive. Thankfully Pluto and the Sun are here to help!
The Local Newspaper: Today features perplexing and random events. Go ahead and impose your own meaning on the situation. Your theory is as good as anyone else’s. Your mind needs to make sense of this before you can move on.
I am hungry. That means I need to eat. This theory is as good as my friend’s theory which says that I have nothing better to do with my time. My mind makes sense of this. Therefore I can move on.
Finally, I had some fun with Seventeen‘s crystal ball.
I typed, “What man am I going to meet?”
Then I typed in, “Do horoscopes really work?”
Iffy answer, don’t you think?
I had one final question for the crystal ball.
Evidently that’s a bad question.