The perfect lady’s perfect man: the romance novel hero

April 26, 2009 at 6:45 pm 2 comments

0409-9780373693931-bigwDon’t you love romance novel heroes? They’re handsome, hairless, and absolutely anything a girl could ever wish for. Add to those adjectives “criminally handsome,” like my friend to the right here. 

There’s no denying that a romance novel hero leaves all the men you know in real life far behind. It should be a relief to know that my friend Catherine at Livejournal has written an entry called: “How to be a Romance Novel Hero.”

This post has all you guys need to be the best man a woman could ever want.

Here’s a few samples to show you just what she’s talking about. And she KNOWS what she’s talking about, believe me.

You must have powerful thighs. I guarantee you that if you find the paragraph which descibes the hero’s physique (and there’s always one, usually right at the beginning), it will say “His breeches clung to his powerful thighs.” 

You should be the Earl of something. The something should sound vaguely British but be impossible to find on a map. Think along the lines of “Deptford,” which is perfect because it has two syllables and lots of consonants, and because the initial “D” sounds very manly indeed.

87% of Romance Novel heroes are bitter, jaded, lonely, proud men who have decided that they can Never Find Love for one reason or another. Cultivate this attitude. Gaze off into the distance as though tormented by inner demons. Answer no less than 10% of remarks addressed to you with nothing but a bitter, sardonic laugh. (Example: “Oh… my lord… observe how the sunlight illumines the moors!” You: “Ha!”)

Read it. You will not be disappointed. Ladies, read it if you would like to know what kind of man you should be looking for. 

Side note: I could add my own requirements. For instance, his clothes should “cling to his well-muscled body alarmingly.” Secondly, being from Texas and being a cowboy is in. Thirdly, wardrobe of choice would be a puffy white shirt tucked into pants. But unbuttoned. Also waxing your chest. Hairy chests (at least in the US) are so yesterday. Don’t forget to shave your pits. Pectoral implants are in as well. Yes.


Entry filed under: Perfect Men. Tags: , , , .

The Perfect Lady and her Horoscope Ridiculous Romance Novels: Brainz Needed

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