Archive for May, 2009

Yet MORE perfect men

Here’s more of your favorite perfect men. I wonder where they sell them.

dangerousdashingWe meet Dangerous and Dashing Man first. He is a rogue, who manfully grasps a sword while leaning against an Ionic column. (How manly!) His white shirt is unbuttoned, yet tucked in. On closer look, it doesn’t seem to have buttons.

You’ll know that he’s the one if he sees you, rips open his buttonless shirt, and leans manfully against he nearest column while grasping his manly red sword in his manly fist.

(Notice the strange placement of his left hand.)

lordoffireThe Lord of Fire is the next one. This is the back cover of the book, I believe. 

No woman can resist this specimen. Especially his gaze where he turns toward you with his back to the sunset, his finger goes to his chin in a speculative manner, and his left fist goes to his waist. Angling his fully clothed body toward the right while gazing off somewhere to the right of you (his left). Just look at those blue breeches!

And his haircut! *swoons*

Truly irresistible. 

wishesI have saved the best for last. Wishes Come True is the embodiment of all the qualities you’ve desired. Remember when you blew out the candles on the cake at your last birthday? This is what you wished for. He looks exactly the same as Dangerous and Dashing Man, except more naked.

Kristi was walking in a misty cavern deep under the ground. Tired, she decided to stop for a break and a refreshing drink. Suddenly, out of the mist and fog emerged a naked man, gazing off at some point far beyond her. He was wearing The Magical Armband That Cuts Off Circulation which enables him to rise up through the mist once a year. Once he finds the woman of his destiny, the spell will be broken.

That is, if he can focus his gaze on Kristi.

Will Kristi’s wishes ever come true?

May 31, 2009 at 9:05 pm 5 comments

My Beautiful Mommy

Say you’re a mother of a little girl who looks just like you. Mommy has raised her daughter as wisely as she could, telling her, “Honey, be who you want to be. You can be a doctor, a lawyer, or a CEO of a huge firm. Don’t let anything stand in your way. You are a beautiful little princess, and mommy loves you.” However, Mommy looks at herself in the mirror and says, “Mommy doesn’t look very pretty.”

All things considered, you decide that it’s time to make Mommy pretty just like a movie star! You decide to get bigger boobs, a tummy tuck, and a nose job.

There’s only one problem. How are you going to explain this to  your little girl, who does look a lot like you?

mommy-coverHunky Dr. Michael comes to the rescue with My Beautiful Mommy! The cover features a very happy child with a teddy bear, gazing at her newly sparkly, beautiful mother who rivals Barbie in appearance.

This book (aimed at ages 4 to 7) is a guide on how to explain to your child exactly why you’re getting the surgeries, in language your child can understand. “A must-have for any mother with young children considering plastic surgery!” (I’m quoting Dr. Michael.) 

Big Tent Books describes the book as an aid to explain your transformation to your children. 

The story guides children through Mommy’s surgery and healing process in a friendly, nonthreatening way.

The only review on this site says,

Great Book! Explains to kids in non-threatening way how mommy has deep-seated insecurities that can be “magically hacked away”! Lets kids know that nature “ain’t perfect”!

Which is all that this book does, and more. 

barbieFor example, the mother in the book explains to her daughter that she’s getting a tummy tuck. “You see, as I got older, my body stretched and I couldn’t fit into my clothes anymore. Dr. Michael is going to help fix that and make me feel better.” Then she comes home looking like a slightly bruised Barbie doll with demure bandages. According to Parent Talk Today’s website, the book doesn’t explain why Mommy is getting her nose job. However, she reassures her daughter, saying that the new nose won’t just look “different, my dear — prettier!”

The book doesn’t talk about Mommy’s breast augmentation either. I’d like them to explain that. The illustrations do show that her boobs are fuller and higher. 

My Beautiful Mommy ends happily. The mommy is happy because she will look more beautiful. The child is thrilled at her mommy’s beauty, not to mention being proud to have such a beautiful mommy. Everyone is happy! 

Because we all know how plastic surgery makes people happy. And we also know that you want your child to be proud of your looks. It’s important that your child go through life not being ashamed that his/her mommy is ugly. Things like ugly noses and small boobs are stuff that should be avoided, anyway. 

barbie_fThe book has its own website. It’s available for 20 bucks at Amazon. Newsweek has published an article about it. They write,

Salzhauer got the idea for a book after noticing that women were coming into his office with their kids in tow. He says that mysterious doctor’s visits can be frightening for children. “Parents generally tend to go into this denial thing. They just try to ignore the kids’ questions completely.” But, he adds, children “fill in the blanks in their imagination” and then feel worse when they see “mommy with bandages,” he says. “With the tummy tucks, [the mothers] can’t lift anything. They’re in bed. The kids have questions.”

A bit hard to explain plastic surgery, isn’t it? Easy to explain childbirth (there’s a baby in mommy’s tummy) and sickness (mommy’s not feeling that great right now), but cosmetic surgery? We have Dr. Michael to thank for making the job easier!

In any case, this will help your daughter understand that she can whisk away all her physical imperfections and securities by scheduling an appointment at her local plastic surgeon’s. This will teach her that plastic surgery makes life better while making people happy and proud of you.

May 29, 2009 at 2:29 pm 5 comments

Clinique and the Anti-Aging Scene

Many of us women (and some of us men) are searching for the product that will wipe years off our faces, vanish unsightly wrinkles (read: all wrinkles), and make us look younger, sexier, and more alive. 

Avon_AgelessResult_EyeCreamAlong the way, we find products that are “rejuvenating,” “anti-aging,” and “age-reversing,” while “wrinkle reducing,” or “wrinkle lifting” or all five of these. We want “ageless results,” and thankfully, Avon can give us that.

But how about age-decelerating?

Clinique has coined a new word in the anti-aging scene. Their Youth Surge SPF 15 age-decelerating moisturizer claims to slow down visible aging.

Clinique%20youth%20surgeWhat does “visible aging” mean?

New skin, old stomach?

Decelerating is the kind of thing a car does. You know, down the highway where you’re driving at 80 mph, while hoping that the cop in your rearview mirror will ignore you. Except the outsides of our bodies does it. You don’t age at miles per hour, you age in something called ypm. Or “years per minute.” Every minute, your body ages a certain amount of years, or a fraction of a year if you have good genes and use the Botox. However, accelerated aging is aging that is going way faster than you’d like it to. 

And of course, we  all would like to remedy this. This product claims to decelerate the aging process, as opposed to accelerating it. Your skin will sag slower. Your lips will unplump slower. Your hair will fall out slower. 

From the ad:

With new Youth Surge SPF 15 at your daily moisturizer, skin looks younger, longer. Building on Sirtuin technology, Clinique uses youth-extending agents with visible effects. Lines and wrinkles seem to evaporate. Skin gains strength over environmental agers. Your skin appears plumped with natural collagen.

Of course there will come a time when age catches up with us. What’s the rush?

Of course, if you’re not using some sort of age-decelerating moisturizer, you’re actually rushing the aging process even if you don’t mean to. 

What’s an environmental ager? Gravity, maybe. Smoking, if you’re a smoker. Smoking is no good for your skin.

Go here to get the scoop on this new product

In any case, the words “age-decelerating” now joins the ranks of special anti-aging words.

May 27, 2009 at 10:02 am 3 comments

The Perfect Man: Abercrombie and Fitch Man

I have evaluated many of the perfect men so you’ll know what you’re looking for. We’ve established that he should be hunky, wear purple vests, and be criminally handsome. However, there is another man that you should think about.

The Abercrombie and Fitch Man.

NEANDERTHAL

Neanderthal man

36,000 years ago, our foremothers fell for Cro-Magnon man. Then 6,000 years after that, Neanderthal man appeared. The ladies were smitten. Now, in the 21th century, man’s evolution has realized a new pinnacle of achievement with Abercrombie and Fitch man! He has sneaked onto our shopping bags, displayed his manly body on billboards on the highway, and stolen our brains and money, as well as our hearts. 

amber4Abercrombie and Fitch man is buff, athletic, and good-looking. He is also young, and in black and white always. Sometimes he has a girlfriend, sometimes he just stands there alone, gazing soulfully and masterfully into the distance where his next paycheck is. 

He also has no shirt.

a&F-store-fifth-ave-717098Since Abercrombie and Fitch man’s arrival not so long ago, he has been quite popular. Walk into his house, and you will see him and his many girlfriends on the walls, watching your every move.

74112245JS003_Housing_MarkeIf you walk down the street anywhere near a mall, chances are that you’ll see shoppers (usually women) with shopping bags. Guess who is on the shopping bag? The much celebrated Abercrombie and Fitch man! These shopping bags are not just used one time to put clothes in after shopping at one of their stores. They’re used and reused for different purposes. I know a girl who uses them to store toiletries. I knew a woman who donated hers to our church’s yard sale. And then my church hid the bag in the closet and promptly forgot about him.

p1200121I guess poor Abercrombie and Fitch man is still there. Not all churches are very appreciative of his hunky good looks. 

Abercrombie and Fitch man even has his own perfume! Actually, he has many. But the one we’re looking at right now is called “Fierce.” The word can be compared to his washboard abs, his gaze, and his pectorals.

41VIEthSJpL._SL500_From a review here:

great scent..
top note is a citrus smell
base note is a woody musk smell
I do not own this cologne but i smelt it in an Abercrombie store. This scent smells similar to colognes in Hollister. This is a classic cologne for teenagrers and the chicks love it!!

Another review:

Anyone who walks near an Abercrombie and Fitch will recognize this scent, the scent that, along with loud music, potentially lures males and females inside. It’s an excellent smell for younger-mid 20’s crowd, but even those older can pull it off. Great diedown scent, especially.

Other comments described it as “sexy.” And as we can see from the first review, the chicks love it!

Cluck, cluck.

2007_12_abercrombiefierceDon’t forget the billboards, which we’ve already mentioned once earlier. Rather coincidentally, this is also an ad for their perfume “Fierce.” Abercrombie and Fitch man’s headless torso decorates billboards across the country. Anyone driving down the highway can admire his washboard abs. If the driver is female, they may look at him and say with a sigh, “How Fierce.” If they’re male, they’ll envy his abs for a brief second, perhaps consider getting the perfume, and then say “nah” and drive on. 

Check out this wacky billboard here. 

Abercrombie and Fitch man has created quite a stir for his presence in advertising. Many articles have been published, complaining that he is causing young males to try to reach for an unattainable goal -to  have a buff and muscular body just like his. Some places says that Abercrombie and Fitch is using sex to sell their products, and proclaim that they are going too farOthers ask whether or not using such a handsome dude in advertising brings in the money, or is it due to other forces.

But if most guys do not want to see pictures of other guys not wearing shirts, how would this help Abercrombie to sell clothing? And why does a recent ad campaign feature a man and a monkey walking together on a beach, with neither one of them wearing shirts?

Still others believe that is he ruining the way young kitties look at themselves.

funny-pictures-your-cat-has-been-working-out

However, you can’t deny that he is popular. I know both guys and girls who get clothes at his store and urge their friends to do the same. I went on his website to have a look around, and he is there in all his glory.

gallery_abercrombieSome time ago, there was a lawsuit against Abercrombie and Fitch. According to the opposing party, Abercrombie and Fitch were discriminating against salespersons and models who weren’t white. If you look at the ads, you’ll notice that all the models are white. There’s no Spanish, Chinese, or African-American models. Some people also said that Abercrombie and Fitch were delegating their less attractive salespersons to the back of the store where shoppers wouldn’t see them. This lawsuit was eventually settled, with 40 million dollars paid to class members in December 2005.

I think it’s safe to say that Abercrombie and Fitch is going to stick around for a while, at least until the next link in the evolution of mankind comes up. If you aspire to be like him, you can apply to this place to be a model. This site tells you exactly what you’re in store for when you become one of their models. 

At least for now, you’ll wow the chicks.

PS: Check out this press release from Abercrombie and Fitch about their first quarter results.

May 25, 2009 at 11:54 am 3 comments

The Rise and Fall of Bratz

Bratz Yasmin Forever Diamondz_13204If you have little friends that you shop for, you probably have heard of Bratz. If you have female children, you probably have even bought Bratz dolls for them. Ever since Bratz was released in 2001 as a direct rival of Barbie, 125 million of the dolls were sold worldwide, despite the poor reception. In 2005, global sales of the Bratz dolls and their products reached two billion dollars! These dolls were designed by Carter Bryant and manufactured by toy company MGA Entertainment.

As a matter of fact, this line was called the queen of the fashion doll world. In the UK, Bratz toppled Barbie from her long-standing position as the UK’s best selling fashion doll. They snatched 45% of the market. 

The chief executive of Bratz, Nick Austin, said this about the sales:

Bratz came from nowhere and captured the hearts and minds of a new generation of girls. This is a real David versus Goliath marketing story, where an iconic, classic brand has been toppled by an entrepreneurial competitor with a brand more relevant to today’s fast-changing consumer.

bratz3Very popular, yes? Some of my little friends think of their Bratz dolls as the standard for feminine beauty. One of them bought a doll and named if after a good friend. When she told her good friend, who was much older… well, this is how it happened.

*Gazed with starry eyes at friend* “I named my doll after you because you look just like her.”

If you go on the Bratz website (which I do NOT recommend doing, as it’s hard to navigate) you’ll see the marketing slogans. The slogan is “Passion for Fashion”; the website’s loading message is, “It takes time to look this good,” and the exit message is “Above all else, be beautiful.” These slogans are central to what Bratz is all about. What are these dolls? Fashionable. What do they have? A passion for fashion. My opinion is that the marketing people know how much little girls these days like to dress up… just like their older sisters. What little girl hasn’t sat with her mother in the bathroom just to watch her mom put on lipstick? Even I used to sit with my grandmother and watch her put on cold cream. 

Remember one thing. These dolls’ clothes are NEVER out of style. Their makeup is always perfect and glamourous. Their hair is long and flowing and trendy. 

BratzBoyzIn fact, Bratz is so popular that it has led to several different lines. There’s the Bratz Boyz. There’s also Bratz Babyz. Presumably, the Bratz Boyz are the Bratz boyfriends. The Bratz Babyz are what? The younger sisters of Bratz? Maybe. And they ALL have a passion for fashion.

Before they were Bratz‘, they were Bratz Babyz!™ But just because they’re babies doesn’t mean they have a small sense of style! These are the hippest, funkiest, craziest babies around, and they have all the passion for fashion that the Bratz™ are known for!

BabyzThe Boyz don’t really have much “features” to think of. But the Babyz are really hip. If you clicked on the link I gave you (Bratz Babyz) you’ll see a list of cool features these dolls have. Each one comes with manicured fingers and toes! (When I was a baby, I could have cared less. Fingernails were food.) Each of them has the style and personality of the Bratz Girl! Molded hair, soft goods clothing, Roto vinyl head and body! They also have stud earrings. (I didn’t get my ears pierced until I turned 11.) Don’t forget the Designer Diaper. 

I want a Designer Diaper. I had to grow up with Pampers.

38a115Don’t forget the Bratz Petz. These animals are strutting their passion for fashion. There’s Catz and there’s Dogz. They all have the same slanty eyes that the Bratz girls have. They are also in style, always. Their clothes are the same. (The one on the right is naked, sorry.) They wear such things as leather jackets, tight leopard print pants, and black designer handbags. Along with faux fur at their wrists and necks. Their lips are an alluring red. 

When I hit the catwalk, it’s a fashion frenzy! No matter what the style — I wear it. I strut it and I flaunt it! Take it from me… the cat’s out of the bag, and into some kickin’ threads!

I roll with the sizzlin’ street styles and coolest clothes! If it looks good or sounds great, I’m on it! And I’m about to jump on the scene with some of the funkiest fashions yet! Get ready girls, ’cause here I come!

colgate bratz_LRGDon’t forget the toothbrushes. After all, Funky Fashion starts with a Sizzling Smile! I saw this Bratz toothbrush while doing my research. If a toy is popular enough, you’ll soon have clothes, stickers, stationery, books, more clothes, makeup, and toothbrushes. Not to mention toothpaste that at least has their picture on it if nothing else. Except glitter. This toothbrush is electric. It features the latest Bratz fashions (The toothbrush with a passion for fashion, this toothbrush never goes out of style!) It has a small, oscillating head with extra soft bristles. The fun, 3d design encourages kids to brush. (Picture a sexy Cloe doll saying in a sultry voice, “Brush, baby…”) It’s also specially designed for girls ages 6-13 (which is the age range for the line anyway). 

However, when these dolls came out, parents were concerned. Very concerned. This writer expressed concern that these dolls were too sexualized, too stereotyped, and encouraged girls to grow up too fast. Just look at the petz… are these toys encouraging our daughters to chase after every single fashion trend just because it’s society’s perceived notion of “coolness?” Are these toys encouraging our daughters to learn how to be sexy/sassy and that being so is desirable at such a young age? 

This article also expressed some worries.

What Bratz dolls are both contributing to and feeding on is a culture in which girls play at being “sassy” — the toy industry’s favored euphemism for sexy — and discard traditional toys at a younger age. 

One of the spokespersons said in reply, “Little girls are really much more sophisticated now than they used to be.”

With Bratz, the company is selling the notion that divahood is something for girls to aspire to, with or without a talent to go with it. This is the attitude that fuels, for example, the success of Club Libby Lu, the chain of mall stores where six-year-olds can get makeovers for their birthdays, complete with hair extensions and lip gloss; it’s also the attitude behind T-shirts for little girls bearing slogans such as “So Many Boys, So Little Time” and “My Heart Belongs to Shopping.” Many parents find this aesthetic weird, even repellent, but somehow hard to dodge.

The Onion has their own concerns.

In Beyond The Facts, we examine how Bratz are convincing a generation of girls that to be hip and beautiful they have to have gigantic heads.

Those concerns have been laid to rest. As fast as Bratz came, it was gone. After about eight years, Bratz celebrated their last Christmas. A federal judge in California ordered their recall. The reason? They violated a Mattel copyright. The man that designed them was still under contract for Mattel. Therefore, all the Bratz dolls were taken off the shelves and shipped back. No more of the dolls are being made. This may cause consumer frenzy as some people will try to buy as many as they can before they come off the shelves. However, some people will be happy to see the dolls go. 

Meanwhile, watch some of the ads here on Youtube.

Good bye, Bratz.

May 23, 2009 at 9:49 am 5 comments

Cosmetic Surgery Minus the Cosmetic Surgery

YL2HX5Y64TTXZUAUPMT6Now is the golden age of cosmetic surgery. Men and women by the thousands are running off to get nicer noses, thinner bodies, and bulging pectorals. 

Despite the relative safeness of surgery (according to the book on the right), dozens of men and women alike are looking for alternatives to the knife. They want to look beautiful, but without the pain. Can we blame them? They want the same results that their friends are neighbors are getting, but without the pain and bruising that WILL occur.

niveaThis brings us to products like Nivea My Silhouette. On the main site, the company claims that this product “slims and reshapes your body for you to discover your own feel good silhouette.”

There are many reasons why you should consider this product. But first we will look at how it works.

How does this product work?

NIVEA research has developed the natural Bio-Slim Complex that combines the high-performance active ingredients White tea and Anise extract for a dual action of slimming & reshaping.

  • White tea slims down fat cells and prevents them from growing back
  • Anise extract activates skin’s cell-metabolism which leads to increased collagen production to tone and reshape the skin.

In a nutshell, this product can actually slim down fat cells and prevent them from growing back. Isn’t that amazing? It also makes skin such a prettier shape. Results? Regular use leads to a reduction of up to 3 cm on targeted body parts. You know, thighs, hips, waist, and belly. 3 cm is about one inch. 

profile-toilet-largeI’ve heard people complain that the chocolate they eat immediately goes to their thighs. No longer shall this happen! Since those fat cells won’t grow back, the chocolate will have nowhere to go except out the door. You know. There. 

I went online to check the reviews of this product. On the website Kiss and Makeup, there were many user comments on this product. 

“June” says,

Love the fresh fragrance, very summery and the gel like texture absorbs immediately allowing me to dress without waiting. After use it has left my skin feeling fresh. have noticed my skin is feeling smoother to the touch, although no inch loss yet. 

Another reviewer went to Review Stream to post her input.

The gel cream feels very cold when applied on skin but it eventually warms up after a few minutes. I applied it on both my inner arms, the whole of my thighs, and around my waist, every day before bedtime. The warm mild stinging sensation led me to believe that the product was actually working. After the second week, I got my tape measure to see if there was any difference, if I actually slimmed down — and was a bit disappointed. But I continued using Nivea My Silhouette anyway. And I am about to finish the entire tube this week. That’s approximately five weeks from the first time I used it.

She went on to say that she did like the product as a skin firmer.

best-products-year-0409-2-lg-17943447Along with that, Nivea My Silhouette actually made this year’s list of 30 best beauty products (Marie Claire)! Marie Claire states that this product is a “must have that will change your life.”

fullZZZZZZPRW080309232549PICAccording to this scan of one of their ads, Nivea My Silhouette is not just any old beauty product. It is body confidence in a tube. Why? It gives you the confidence to dance in green grass with the blue sky above you with strange men. If that’s not body confidence, I don’t know what is. Or, if you go on Nivea’s main site, you’ll realize that it also enables you to snuggle up naked with a man in bed, thus demonstrating that you will also bring romance back into your life.

(Actually, you will also find a woman in a bikini at the beach, jumping up and down in what looks like joy.)

A beautiful, toned body with perfect, airbrushed skin can do that to a woman.

In summary, this product will send your chocolate down the drain, will change your life, give you body confidence, and bring romance back into your life while reshaping  your silhouette into a slimmer, more beautiful YOU.

May 21, 2009 at 11:03 am Leave a comment

The Viking Earl’s Sleep-Deprived Wet Nurse

Handsome and muscular, Beor is the richest Viking Earl in the land. His ships always come back from raids with plenty of women slaves and treasure. Yet Beor’s heart, for all his wealth, is cold and empty, for none of these can ease his loneliness. 

This changes when a baby boy is left at his doorstep. Beor reluctantly takes the child in, with the excuse that it would be no trouble to take care of the baby until his parent’s are found. However, the baby desperately needs a wet nurse.

His newest woman slave, the beautiful and feisty Rosalina, agrees to help. Her heart is sorrowful because her husband recently died after a short and unhappy marriage, leaving her pregnant and alone. Unfortunately, she miscarried, and the milk must be used for someone. So she agrees to help the earl.

However, Beor is attracted to this beautiful and sad wet nurse. Sparks fly between them, and they cannot deny their attraction to one another. Will the lovely Rosalina fill the empty space in his heart? Will he claim her to his heart as his bride?

I thought this up with the inspiration of the Romance Novel Generator. If I can write one, you can too. 

The Viking Earl I’m thinking about is “Pull My Finger.”

Thanks, Longmire.

finger

May 19, 2009 at 9:47 am 5 comments

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