Archive for June, 2009

The Perfect Lady and Lists

We love making lists.

Really love to make lists.

3531718174_085f76f575For a while, I’ve been fascinated by this trend. We make lists, buy software to make cool lists, buy pretty memo pads to make more lists, and occasionally follow lists. Don’t forget the little tear-out list sheets at the end of most women’s magazines. Magazines have the most lists. Open any magazine, and you will be bombarded with lists. How-to’s, what not to do lists, and essential checklists that every woman should follow to be happier. Even better, these lists are supposedly formatted by experts, with the intent of making you live a fuller, happier, and more organized life.

Even I can’t deny that lists are useful. My most famous list so far is regarding perfect men. What qualities must the perfect man have? It’s a short list of 18 items that you can print out and place into your 30 pound handbag for easy handling.

The good thing about lists is that they’re so easy to make. They’re easy to look at as well, letting you know exactly what needs to be done, and when. Magazine lists are the best, because they’re made by experts. Experts meaning that the lists tell you the best things that need to be done, and when is the best time to do them. Plus you can just tear out a page or two to read at your leisure.

Real-Simple-Jan-2009-CoverIn fact, the January 2009 issue of Real Simple is called the list issue. THis issue contains 20 essential lists that will make you feel calmer, as well as help you organize your life. There’s “make dinner faster,” “save on home repairs,” “find time to exercise,” and much, much more. And remember: essential means important. Very important. More important than playing the NOM NOM NOM 4 FUD cheezburger game.

Over the course of many magazine readings, I’ve noticed that there are 3 main types of lists. The first one is the list of things to do, mainly known as the “to-do” list. We put all the undone chores, laundry that hasn’t been done, and broken household equipment over here. Cosmo‘s 30 things to do with a naked man goes under this listing. So does Glamour‘s 3 things to do to get that perfect first kiss. They also have a handy picnic checklist for that perfect summer picnic that you’re kind of dreading.

postThe second type of list is the “things” list. It’s a list of the editors’ favorite things, and as a result, should soon become a list of YOUR favorite things. Or it’s a list of various ways to… get stuff done. For example, we all know that Oprah has many favorite things. Well, here is a list of her favorite things for the summer. Or look at Glamour’s list of 101 ways to have the best sex of your lives. That is, if you pretend that you’re going to spend the whole summer naked. Now wouldn’t that be nice? Cosmo has a list of 7 pairs of shoes for the summer. You’re guaranteed to love these shoes. Don’t forget Oprah’s list of life-changing beauty products.

141803571_66382a3e1dThe last type is the “not to do” list. Similar to the 10 commandments (well, probably not) this type tells us about all the things that we’re not supposed to do. Under any circumstances. No matter what. Real Simple asked its readers of the January issue to give us their lists on what not to do at all. One woman said that she was never going to diet again, climb Mt. Everest, or line her kitchen drawers. Another was not going to worry (good one, that). Another was not going to squish her fat.

1427558855_520b6176c3A Glamour blogger has a list of things not to do on a blind date. Apparently, she showed up late, drunk, acted stupid, semi-open-minded, and fed her feelings. Cosmo has a list of 10 things not to do on spring break (for you college girls out there). Among them, you must not pick up crabs, pole dance with no underwear, update Twitter every time you drink Tequila, and work on your thesis.

But why are we fascinated with lists? Is it because we feel calmer putting the items that have yet to be done on a list, knowing that we’ll take care of them sometime even if we don’t? Or is it because we feel that our lives are more in control simply by making a simple little list?

All we know is that if we follow the lists that art given us, we shall live a longer and happier life.

All because of one little list.

Or two.

Or three.

Or twenty.

Happy list making!

(There’s even a list on how to rethink  your lists. Here.)

June 29, 2009 at 11:52 am Leave a comment

Bikini Cram School

Every year, there are those who succeed. They are the ones who receive the certification of “sun goddess” and walk on the beach or through the water with their glowing, golden skin gleaming in the sunlight, their ab muscles tight and hard, and their skin perfectly smooth. From head to toe, they have fulfilled all the requirements needed to look good in a bikini and honor that bikini properly.

However, every year there are those who fail. They can wear a bikini but they don’t look good in it. Maybe their skin is dry. Maybe they have some flab. Maybe they don’t tan well. Maybe the soles of their feet are grungy. For whatever reason, they have failed to receive the certification of “sun goddess” as described by Glamour. Is there any hope for them/us?

Welcome to bikini cram school.

First of all, the full-figured Jessica Simpson has released a line of teeny bathing suits. If she can do a teeny bathing suit, you can too. Stylist.com has also asked expert Emily Neill on tips on how to look fabulous in a suit without even hitting the gym. Oprah has experts, and they walked out on the street and selected a few ladies who looked fat in their bathing suits. Oprah’s experts also can tell you how to not look old in a swimsuit. Here we will also receive tips about flattering one-piece suits from the Ladies’ Home Journal, for those ladies that simply cannot wear a bikini.

spl75793_001.0.0.0x0.660x825.0.0.0x0.400x503Sounds great, right? Let’s get started.

One morning, I checked Glamour‘s twitter feed for any cool blog posts that I could probably use for this blog. They update so often it’s often overwhelming. But all that info is just there for the taking. With just a simple click I can find out what Ashley Olsen’s been wearing these days, the cool new diet trends that are coming around, and any fashion updates.

Anyway, one of their beauty bloggers reported that Jessica Simpson is releasing a new line of teeny bikinis. She’s teamed up with the swimwear pro Red Carter to create the Jessica Simpson Swim Collection. Sadly, the swimwear won’t hit stores until December, at which time they’ll be perfectly useless. However, Glamour allowed their readers have a sneak peek at what the line has to offer.

The line will consist of swim separates, as Jessica Simpson and Red Carter know how hard it is for women to find bikinis that fit. From what I can say, they’re teeny. Really teeny. I’d like to see whether Jessica Simpson wears one. Seeing how full-figured she is, that should be interesting.

prodImage.msEmily Neil from Stylist has several tips on how to not look fat in a swimsuit. You don’t even have to exercise! If you wear a halter top with a skirt bottom, it can make your toned legs look fat. Wear it with a higher cut bottom.

The tips are supplemented by pictures of “less-than-perfect” women who were guilty of choosing the unlovely suits. The message is clear: if you don’t choose the right bathing suit, you will be sad and glum just like those ladies.

Christine, one of the women undergoing a swimsuit makeover, had a thick middle that she made even thicker by wearing one of those skirt bottoms. She was guilty of compromising on the sexy. You’re not supposed to compromise on sexiness. Knowing this, Neill gave her a suit with a deep V-neck while giving her a bikini bottom that masked her imperfect stomach.

Another lovely lady, Pam, was glum and sad as well. She wore a two piece bathing suit with a bikini top and a polka dot skirt that made her bottom look square and her thighs heavy. She had no curves. What should she do?

2839174466_b235069a43Pam was given a green string bikini to make her look curvier (does she?) and the triangles supposedly made her small bust look bigger.

Then we have slim Stephanie. Though she may seem to have little trouble with her shape, she has a long torso and shorter legs “which means that she can make bad suit choices too.” And the very expression on her face attests to this. It’s an expression which says, “What have I done to myself?” The way she’s gesturing to her butt shows that she knows that she has done wrong.

They gave her a bikini, thus showing that you can make yourself look fat even if you technically aren’t fat. Neill had another tip for “correcting” a long torso, which is a flaw. Pair a hip-grazing tankini with a high-cut bottoms. The pair helps create an appearance of longer legs.

Oprah, as with everything else in life, can help us not look fat in a swimsuit. She and a makeover team selected eight different women with ugly bathing suits that had made them look fat. The artists dispensed lots of advice to these eight women, and traded their icky swimsuits for something more desirable and sexy.

Though come to think of it, I’ve never seen Oprah in a bathing suit.

The tips given include:

  • Buying a bigger size because one of the worst sins you can commit is buying something that’s too tight and let’s your fat pooch spill out over the edges.
  • Brighten up gradually because pale skin doesn’t look good with bright colors. Who knew. When you get more color (orangeness), then and only then can you get bright colors. Maybe an orange bathing suit to match the color of your skin.
  • Accentuate the positive. Dark colors where you don’t want attention and patterns where you do. People tend to look at patterns rather than dark colors, methinks, though I wouldn’t know how this works.
  • Know your body. If you have big boobs no way are you going to walk out there in tiny little triangles.
  • 3-11-08floormirror4Psych yourself. Again, shopping before lunchtime makes you feel thinner. Don’t shop when you’re bloated. Tan beforehand because tanning makes you feel sexier. That is if you get it right.
  • Don’t rush. Those ladies that run in, grab something, and run out? Wrong. Try on at least TEN suits. “If the changing room doesn’t have a three-way mirror, leave.” Always reserve several hours for shopping, if not the whole day. Just remember that you’re not to eat during the process.
  • Explore online options. Make sure the website has free returns. Going online means that your house is your changing room. And just remember, if your changing room doesn’t have a three way mirror… uhh… don’t you own one already?

The first lady who had a makeover wore a bright tankini which the team discarded as a no no. They gave her a one-piece, which had the purpose of making people not look at her butt. Another lady, of 60 years of age, wore a bikini with a skirt bottom. Saying that it looked old on her, they gave her a suit with a deep V-neck which again made people avoid looking at her butt. (Tip: “Draws focus upward” is just a fancy phrase for “makes them nt look at butt.”)

beauty_suit_108_350x263The seventh woman wore a bikini much too small. They replaced that bikini with a suit that made her boobs look smaller. Nothing about the butt this time. Except that the original swimsuit was cutting into it, looking quite unflattering.

Finally, the last woman, here on the left, was “so flat chested that she felt her butt was out of proportion.” What did they give her? A string bikini and heels.

It’s all about the butt, ladies.

Lesson 2 from Oprah: How to not look OLD in a swimsuit. As if it weren’t bad enough looking fat. Looking old is pretty horrible, especially in this world which emphasizes that you should look young at all times. Robin Monheit, the article writer, turned to style reporter Charla Krupp, who is the expert on how to not look old, period.

41d06VrkhLL._AA280_Krupp says that swimsuit shopping is the most tortuous shopping of all. She gives us some more advice on shopping, telling us to shave or wax our legs and bikini line. Don’t forget the tan. She also tells us that a V-neck one-piece looks good on most ladies. Especially with a brooch on the cleavage point that will, guess what, distract people from gazing at your butt.

Any suit with a skirt attached is instant old lady look. Only wear when you want to look like Grandma. Get a swim dress instead, like the one on the right which not only is on a sexy model, but has tummy control.

The tankini is also a disaster (sorry people who went to Stylist.com) for anyone over 40. Just get something that shapes you nicely.

6a00d8345180d369e200e5536133e88833-800piSpeaking of shapewear, Krupp advises readers to wear shapewear, especially when they get older. The best ones can take almost an inch off your body. Imagine that. When you get old, you need padding, bra, boning, construction, and more. Otherwise oldness sets in.

Other advise: no boy shorts (sorry, again to the people who went to Stylist.com) unless you look like a boy, no skimpy bikinis unless you look like Madonna (fairly recent picture on left, gotta love those arms coff coff), cutouts unless you’re Paris Hilton and even then you’ll need the eye bleach, horizontal stripes, metallics because those make you look fat, no going braless, or white.

Finally, there are those who simply cannot wear a bikini. For those ladies in question, there are an array of pretty one piece swimsuits at their disposal. Ladies’ Home Journal has a list of one piece swimsuits that will flatter your figure “and hide trouble spots.”

  • ss_100500269_fixedThere’s the classic sporty suit. Called a “Shape Solver,” these have super-strong Lycra that will shape AND flatter. Meaning it won’t shape you into a ball or something like that. About a hundred bucks.
  • Slenderizing details are good too. Calvin Klein has one that has piping that will “slim the silhouette.”
  • Land’s End has a Slender Suit for 62 bucks. It supposedly looks good on EVERYONE.
  • The belted suit will help you “channel your inner Bond girl.” It’s no longer your inner child. Or your inner spirit. Or your inner goddess. It’s the inner Bond girl. I thought the Bond girls didn’t wear suits. From what I read they went around in the nude.
  • Then there’s the Tucked-in Tummy, on the right for your enjoyment. Miraclesuit has a beauty for 126 dollars. It has the panels and the bands which will ensure that you won’t bulge anywhere.
  • ss_100500270_fixedDon’t forget strategic ruching. The black number on the right is available from Anne Cole Studios for $114. Notice all the fancy ruching. That has the purpose of elongating the torso. Remember the lady with the short torso? This bathing suit has the means of correcting that defect.
  • How about a fancy vintage style swimsuit for 80 which will make you have sexy curves where you had none? Also hides what you don’t want shown. Only 80 dollars!
  • Then the colorful one piece that has a hole to reveal cleavage.
  • Or the wrap suit. We need all the help we can get, so why not enlist some optical illusions? 116 from Miraclesuit.
  • And more.

And with prices of more than 70 dollars, you’re all set to go!

The moral? Even if you didn’t lose the weight, there is still hope for you. Even if you are not fat, you can still look fat because of your poor choices. Or old. Oprah knows best. Bathing suit advisors contradict.

But an expensive suit with ruching can solve all your problems.

June 27, 2009 at 9:23 am 4 comments

The Perfect Bride for Red Loincloth

The woman most likely to fall for the forceful embraces of your typical Stout Heart/Strong Wind/Red Loincloth is a redhead.

It seems that over the years, red hair has come to be a sign of strength, loveliness, strong-willedness, and more.

dva0539I only wondered when the umpteenth romance novel I read had a heroine of red hair. It was some Christian romance. Called The Knight and the Dove. The main character, Megan, was strong-willed, brave, spirited, and more than a little stupid in zee head. She, of course, had red hair. Beautiful red hair.

And then there was the Westernish romance about a woman who was falling in love with some dude who was supposed to protect her. It was the typical strong-willed/brave/spirited heroine in the wilderness who needs a man to protect her innocent soul. I forget the title now that I think about it. But I remember that she had RED HAIR. Beautiful curly red hair.

216572-172220-mara-jade_large

And was more than a little stupid in zee head.

And my favorite redhead, Mara Jade Skywalker from the Star wars books by Timothy Zahn, was strong-willed, tough, spirited, and beautiful. But she was NOT stupid in zee head. She was one of my favorite characters in the whole Star Wars series: ever. She could fight, she was strong, and she did not cling to a man. Jade was the perfect woman for Luke Skywalker.

She was fierce, loyal, stubborn, and wielded a blaster like no other.

The picture on the right is one of my favorite pictures of her.

I was sad when she died.

But where did the redhead = strong willed/spirited/more than a little stupid in zee head trend start?

Cassie Edwards, who writes mostly Native American romances, has shown this trend multiple times. Her heroines are strong-willed, lovely, innocent, and have red hair.

Some of them act a little stupid in zee head, but since I haven’t read them for myself I can only ask my friends here to review a couple for me. Sarah and Candy have reviewed Savage Moon. The heroine here is more than a little stupid. But yeah.

The award-winning Savage series is set on the untamed frontier, where rugged warriors share tantalizingly sensual adventures with young and innocent heroines.

Perhaps with a Savage Surrender in the year of 1987.

n107547

The heroine, Brenda, has very vivid red hair. In fact, it’s so red as to look a little like one of those theatre curtains.

Strong-willed Brenda has escaped her family’s murderers, only to have her anguish and fury challenged by the wilderness. Her only hope for survival lay in the forceful arms of an Ojibwa warrior–the kind of man Brenda had been raised to fear.

It takes a strong woman to escape murderers, and rush into the wilderness. However, her spirit is not enough for the challenge, as she is yet young and innocent. She needs a man. What better man than an Ojibwa warrior person? With forceful arms? Was his name Forceful Arms?

One year later, a Savage Eden was released.

n107565

The heroine, beautiful Pamela, has red hair as well. She is also quite strong-willed and spirited. You need those qualities to challenge social constraints and have a “forbidden” romance with some guy named Strong Bear. She also wears puffy blue dresses that are pulled down with gravity.

Which leads us to Savage Bliss.

book cover of   Savage Bliss    (Savage Secrets, book 5)  by  Cassie Edwards

Entranced by her beloved and virile Gray Wing, Amelia is torn away by her family from her proud and magnificent Susquamish chief and taken to a an exotic shore, far from his touch but her hidden longings cannot be denied when he claims her as his forever.

Oh mulleted warrior with a headband, my heart is thine.

Says the blissful redhead in the photo.

Then there’s Wild Embrace which I talked about in the last post. I don’ t want to put the title here because, because, because it’s just so… scandalous…

For years, Cassie Edwards has been satisfying her fans with authentic tales of bold beauties, exotic braves and the untamed wilderness. Now the author of Wild Rapture captures a lost age of romance when Seattle was a rough frontier. Flame-haired Elizabeth is abducted by the noble Indian brave Strong Heart, who shows her freedom and passion the wilds can ignite.

She does have red hair. It’s sort of a maroonish color though. With pink highlights.

The next title shows you the power of brilliant red hair.

Savage Embers probably refers to the brilliant red hair of the heroine in this tale.

book cover of   Savage Embers    (Savage, book 9)  by  Cassie Edwards

After setting his eyes on Maggie, a scarlet-haired beauty, Falcon Hawk, a mighty Arapaho chieftain, is determined to protect her from her fiercest enemy.

One look at her scarlet hair, and Falcon Hawk (by the way, his parents couldn’t figure out what to name him so they took their two favorite birds and put them together. That’s why I will name my baby Broccoli Cabbage), his chest jutting out majestically, is determined to protect her from anything that might come by her way.

Not only can red hair mean that you are strong willed, brave, spirited, and maybe a little stupid. It also means that you will be protected from all dangers.

Breaking away from the Savageness of these titles, Cassie Edwards goes for the Wildness in the year of 1994. I won’t give you the title because it has a boring picture of a guy with closed eyes and a blank look, but here is the plot synopsis.

Railroader’s daughter Stephanie Helton and the tall, darkly-sensual Runner, adopted by the Navajo as a child and now destined to be their leader, were sworn enemies. But he drank deeply of the copper-haired, grey-eyed beauty’s forbidden kisses, and surrendered to the savage desire of their love.

‘Nuff said.

Apparently red hair can make grown men slaves to desire.

book cover of   Savage Spirit    (Savage, book 1)  by  Cassie Edwards

In the book Savage Spirit, written in the same year, Chief Cloud Eagle falls under the spell of red hair.

In Savage Spirit, Chief Cloud Eagle has tamed the wild beasts of his land, yet one glimpse of the flame-haired Alicia makes him a slave to desire.

Flame/copper hair is untamable. Sorry, Cloud Eagle. Just look at your Choctaw friend Red Wing.

In Savage Pride/Wild Whispers (yes there are two books with different titles but same story by this lady unless someone got confused):

The mighty Choctaw warrior Red Wing is powerfully drawn to a beautiful red-haired hellcat, Malvina, but it will take more than his caresses to tame her–it will take a love as pure and stunning as her beauty.

Does the woman on the cover of Savage Heat have red hair? I can’t tell. It would explain a lot of things.

book cover of   Savage Heat    (Savage, book 6)  by  Cassie Edwards

Ever since the sweltering summer day when Zoe Hawkins pinned on her father’s tin star, she’d sworn to uphold the law in rough-and-ready Gracemont, Oklahoma. But how could the lovely sheriff maintain order when she couldn’t even subdue her own wayward feelings for the mighty Kiowa chief, White Shadow? Every time he showed up at the jail to bail out his wild young braves, Zoe forgot the oh-so-correct colonel she was supposed to marry, and longed to surrender to forbidden desire.

This woman is amazing. She’s strong, tough, fierce, but at the same time still lovely. However, she has fierce passion.

An Amazon review gave the book one star out of five. (It’s the first one on the list.)

I hardly know where to start with this book. Maybe the fact that the romance felt non-existent? There was no chemistry between the hero and heroine. The author says they’re in love very early on in the book, but the reader never feels it. We also never get to see the “falling in love” part of the story, either. The characters never bother to communicate with each other, just constantly jump to conclusions and get offended all the time.

Another reviewer called it a Savage Mistake. She also described the heroine as a twit.

I read this book when I was new to romance reading and it’s a wonder I kept reading the genre after this. The research is
halfbacked, the plot ridiculous, the heroine a twit, the
hero a jerk….don’t waste your time.

The cover of Savage Grace disturbs me.

book cover of   Savage Grace    (Savage, book 11)  by  Cassie Edwards

Ugh.

In this story, it is a beautiful redhead named Shylee who rescues the mighty Cherokee warrior Standing Wolf, instead of the other way around. Unlike the other books, it received five stars on Amazon.

Savage Devotion involves a beautiful red-haired heroine. And by the cover, you can see that she really has it. Her hair is as red as red can be. Ketchup colored red.

However, the synopsis made me laugh.

book cover of   Savage Devotion    (Savage, book 12)  by  Cassie Edwards

Sailing the deep, clear waters of the Puget Sound, beautiful red-haired Janice Edwards is bound for a new beginning. Leaving behind the wealth and luxury she’s known in San Francisco, she hopes to find a simpler, sweeter life in the towering forests of Tacoma . . . and a man who will love her for who she is, not what she has. But when the steamer Hope is wrecked by a sudden storm, Janice is rescued by a man like none she’s ever known. Tall, with muscular limbs and a powerful chest revealed by his buckskin clothing, he is a Skokomish Indian-from all she’s heard, a savage to be feared. Yet in his gray eyes she sees tender caring, in his strong arms she discovers untold passion, and in his wild heart she will find . . . savage devotion.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

Tall, with muscular limbs and a powerful chest revealed by his buckskin clothing…

Sort of makes you wonder if he did it on purpose. I’m kind of worried because their hair is blowing in opposite directions. His hair is blowing to his left, and her hair is blowing out behind her.

This collection would not be complete without Savage Moon.

book cover of   Savage Moon    (Savage, book 15)  by  Cassie Edwards

Misshi Bradley knew two lives. As a settler girl, she’d seen her family die, one by one, on the grueling trail west. Stolen by renegade Indians, she’d grown to womanhood with an Indian family. Now that the Indian maiden she’s become is ready to wed, she longs for only one man, Soaring Hawk, whose golden body and raven hair fill her nights with dreams of passion. She sees in his eyes that he longs to awaken her to womanhood in his arms. But, even as she gives her heart to him, her mind questions the wisdom of her actions. For, if his father destroyed all she held precious so many years ago, how can she trust Soaring Hawk to give her lasting love now?

It’s all about the hair, baby.

Sarah and Candy proclaim that this story SUCKS. Really badly. Horrible writing. Plagiarism.

The girl is spirited, has wild red hair that she dyed black with the stalks of a root called we sha sha. She was so very fond of her life… and is a dimwit.

brain_bleachFrom the review:

Ten years later, when Misshi is conveniently 18 years of age, the book reveals that she’s been miraculously adopted by a neighboring Shoshone tribe and made the adopted daughter of the chief. How this was accomplished, no one knows, least of all me because the book didn’t tell me, but Misshi is a happy, dimwitted dipsh** of a heroine in the Edwards mold, and has dyed her hair black with some random but powerful weed so she can blend in better with the other Shoshone.

Which is all well and good, I suppose.

This is one case in which the plot synopsis is so much better than the book itself. If you check the link, the bloggers include several quotes from the book — the worst ones — with their own commentary. It’s really funny. You’ll either laugh hysterically, like me, or go around searching for brain bleach.

So there you have it. Most of Cassie Edwards’s novels involve tanned, hairless men. They also involve redheaded ladies most of the time. Red hair means that you are strong-willed, fierce, stubborn, and  maybe a little stupid. It also means that a redhead can make a grown man a slave to desire.

At least now we don’t need the random we-sha-sha. We can have red hair that comes out of a bottle.

June 25, 2009 at 11:57 pm 3 comments

The Perfect Native American

We women love western romances.

And not just the cowboy type.

The Native American type.

Why?

This is a mystery to some. Why are women so fascinated with Native Americans with some red-haired white girl who dyes her hair black with the we sha sha plant romances? What is it about natives that are so cool and different and unique?

I did a search for novels with this theme, and found quite a few. First, there’s Cassie Edwards. The popular author (who has the worst writing I’ve ever seen. Weshasha, hahaha) has turned out volumes and volumes of Native American romances. The heroine is a white girl in some various helpless situation. The Native American is the strong one who comes to save her, standing manfully with feathers in his dark hair, his dark eyes smoldering with passion, and his loincloth waving in the wind.

No wonder we have a Savage Obsession.

0821779680

Maybe it’s because we’re attracted to something wild in a man. Edwards’s novels are in a serious, all starting with “Savage” and some cool word following. Savage this, savage that. Savage gas after eating broccoli.

Everything savage.

In this dreary life of home, work, school, bills, children, and poopy pets, we women long for something more. A paradise in the midst of a wilderness. A paradise where the prospect of love with a naturally dark-skinned, headband wearing man with long flowing hair, an armband that cuts of blood circulation, and squinty eyes will romance our troubles away. A paradise where we don’t have to pay the bills. All we have to concern ourselves with is the Savage in the Paradise.

Perhaps a Savage Paradise?

n107615

And lo, this Savage Paradise that I mention is a place where the men wax their chests. And their pits. Unless that strange armband is meant to disguise the armpit growth.

n160139

All that aside, what woman does not want to find a mighty brave holding a spear/torch/fancy fishing rod dressed only in a loincloth knocking at her door riding a white horse that does look mighty ticked off? A crazy woman, that’s who. He will come to your log cabin, and enunciate in a deep voice that his name is Night Thunder, for he comes like Thunder in the Night.

With one flick of his Mighty Red Loincloth, he calls the thunders of heaven upon you and steals your heart away.

That’s one dramatic entrance. Maybe it’s thunder which made his sternum cave in like that.

He grunts deeply. “How. Me take White Bride with Blonde Hair to tepee.”

“Oooooooooh!” you squeal. And then gracefully swoon at his feet.

Whereupon Night Thunder scoops you up onto his mighty stallion. You wake to find yourself swept up in a wild rapture with a dark skinned, slightly bewildered rider with a sexy six-pack. Your blonde hair will billow in the wind after you. The feeling of floating on air will be enough to make your clothes suddenly start sliding off with gravity’s pull. Good bye, ugly teal dress.

n107559

This wild rapture will make you shut your eyes, hoping against all hope that this wasn’t some dream that came about from too much maple syrup on your breakfast pancakes.

You are afraid that this wonderful dream will turn into a nightmare like nothing you ever imagined. A nightmare in which the American Indians resemble American Indians in only a few things… simply a native gone wrong.

You’re afraid that you’ll enter a world of computer generation, whereas the world before was painted in pretty soft pastel colors and fine brush strokes.

perfectprince

Where that perfect prince turns out not to be so perfect after all. He has the loincloth, the muscles, and the armband, but there is something strangely metallic about his hair and his lips are oddly pouty. What he wears on his head is not a headband, but rather a TIARA.

Imagine that.

This Warrior Prince will then whisk you away to a land with lots of trees and mist. It’s a land where lo, even the skies are green.

And it is also a nightmare land where the men grow steadily lighter and lighter and appear more and more plastic. Like one of those dolls.

warriorprince

At least one thing he has going for him is hairlessness. On his body. Beyond the metallic hair. It would be a bit frightening for him to have metallic armpit hair. In this picture, he appears strangely bleached out.

Let’s hope you wake up before things get any worse.

And no. You want to be pulled into a Wild Ecstasy that involves you gazing deeply into a brave’s eyes while sitting in some awkward position on his raging stallion. While you try to take off your ugly pink outfit with two fingers.

n107558

And then be pulled into a Wild Embrace with the man of your dreams.

n107560

For years, Cassie Edwards has been satisfying her fans with authentic tales of bold beauties, exotic braves and the untamed wilderness. Now the author of Wild Rapture captures a lost age of romance when Seattle was a rough frontier. Flame-haired Elizabeth is abducted by the noble Indian brave Strong Heart, who shows her freedom and passion the wilds can ignite.

One must have a Strong Heart as well as a Strong Stomach.

Speaking about Seattle…

JacobRecently, our obsession with Native Americans has come to new heights with Twilight. Fans are currently divided into teams. One is Team Edward, which supports the handsome, pale, and sparkly Edward Cullen. The other is Team Jacob.

Who is Jacob? He’s a werewolf. Not just a werewolf. A cute werewolf. The picture on the right is of the actor who will be playing Jacob in the upcoming movies. And you’ve gotta admit that he’s nice to look at. Enough to make teenage girls swoon.

But Jacob is also a Native American. He lives on a reservation near Bella’s house, in Washington State. He meets Bella, and falls in love with her. It is a doomed love, for Bella has already fallen for the White Man, Edward. And as he fell in love with Bella, the fan girls fell in love with him. Even some older women fall for him, immediately denouncing Edward and joining Team Jacob.

He’s also the polar opposite from the pale and sparkly vampire. As a werewolf and Native American, he’s dark. He’s tanned (naturally). Jacob is not sparkly, either.

So sit down with a romance novel and enjoy your Savage Wildness. Dream of a lost time where the women were red haired, wore ugly teal/pink dresses, and the Indians were all muscular, savage, and had shaved pits.

Hopefully those fantasy don’t involve teal skies or tiara-donning males.

June 23, 2009 at 1:03 pm 4 comments

The perfect bikini

Say that you’ve reached that epitome of perfect thinness by starving, restricting, and crash dieting while avoiding pasta and rice. You exercised, and exercised, and exercised. The next step, naturally, is to find the perfect bikini. Once you find the perfect bikini, you must then try to look sexy in it. Being thin and toned does not mean sexy, after all.

Women’s Health magazine has a list of what kinds of swimsuits would look good with a particular body type. That’s assuming that you’re toned already, as the models show you. There’s tips on what swimsuits are recommended. There are a couple of one piece suits, but the majority of the suits are bikini bathing suits.

V285977For the pear shape, the editors recommend a number that disguises tummy pooch and elongates legs. I’m not sure how a skimpy bikini number will ever manage to disguise pooch, but there you have it. Another option is the black boy shirt, which I could not find a picture of, but you can see if you click on the link.

The athletic type gets a string bikini that looks something like the blue bikini on the left. They can also wear a skirted bottom. Their toned bodies, with lots of packed muscle, are the best types to show off this type of suit.

The boyish figure gets ruffles and padding to emphasize what’s missing.

Picture 2Allure has what they call an “insider’s guide” on how to get the perfect bikini. Because their beauty people know what’s what when it comes to looking for that bikini. First, they say, you must start shopping after you’ve decided to go to the Bahamas. That Bahamas trip plus all the potential for meeting a hunky man will give you the desperation and drive to go shopping to find the bikini that won’t make you look fat. My advice to you is to book a vacation now. A vacation to Alaska does NOT count.

Self-tanner can also make you feel great about your body, they continue.

Go shopping before lunch because you won’t feel as fat.

Keep in mind how bikini bottoms make your butt look, among others.

I like the lunch one.

Glamour, not wanting to be behind on the swimsuit movement, has their own tips as well. These three tips are guaranteed to make you a beach bombshell. Even if you’re a “swim-suit wary” lady, these tips are bound to turn you into a “certified sun goddess.” Just tell me where to go to get my certification. Oh where? To the place for perfect bikinis? Oh really?

_5782647

These tips tell you not to go wild on the bottom. No crazy designs or anything I think that means. Bring focus up from your butt. Who wants to look at your butt? Uh… I could tell you a few people. And do go for a fairly high cut bottom to draw the attention back down to your butt!

They agree with Women’s Health that frills, ruffles, and distractions that basically help a flat-chested woman look bigger in those parts. It seems that flat chests are so not in right now.

Ok. Now say that you’ve got the perfect body AND the perfect swimsuit. Now you have to get your body prepped. No, I don’t mean exercise since you’ve exercised your way to perfection. Other things. Cosmopolitan has their tips on how to look sexy in a bikini, if you’ve already got that toned body.

First, we must have soft skin. Leathery skin is not in, not sexy. Exfoliate. Repeat. Exfoliate. Repeat. Spend time on it to get that perfectly soft skin that men would love.

Bikini-Beauty_lvSecond, one must beat the acne. Acne can prevent people from feeling confident in a bikini, Cosmo’s writer states. It’s also a well known fact that acne keeps women from wearing slinky tops and skimpy bikinis.

The solution? Not wearing a coat and covering the acne, of course. Get rid of the acne! If you have acne, you will deeply reduce your sexiness and status as “certified sun goddess.” Don’t let something like a few pimples let you from gaining your certification. Acne grosses people out, keeps you from having sex, and ensuring that you will die single and lonely.

That woman is Cosmo‘s idea of the sexy woman in a bikini. She is ZEE sun goddess. She is shiny, plastic-looking, and HAS NO ACNE.

Also, don’t forget about your feet. Warm milk and water help you achieve the perfectly smooth feet.

894389797_4abd3a3d4eDone that? Great. You’re only two small steps away from being perfect, and then some more.

Next one. Hair peeping out around the bikini line is the grossest thing ever. Cosmo says, “A smooth set of legs and underarms and a flawless bikini line are essential for warm weather.” Consider waxing your legs. Pain is no obstacle.

Tan. Like Lindsay Lohan. Ghost white is not cool anymore. This isn’t the 19th century.

Finally, you have the perfect body. You have the perfect bathing suit, and the perfect skin, feet, and tan. You’ve done a rigorous and painful beauty regime that consists of acne treatments, constant exfoliation, spray on tanner, and painful wax strips. What’s missing?

The attitude.

Glamour has a list of reasons to feel bathing-suit confident.

  1. You probably look better than you think. We tend to overestimate the size of our hips.
  2. Dorothy Dale Kloss is 85 but still a performing showgirl. People are lining up to see her. And she’s wearing something barely there. I doubt that the lady in the article is her.
  3. Hips are in. Thanks to Beyonce. People are happier with their hips.
  4. Most of us don’t wear size 2. But all the models in the Glamour slides do.
  5. Swimsuits are comfy. As comfy as a couple of triangles can be.
  6. The emancipation of swimwear has always been linked to the emancipation of women. You are free to wear a skimpy swimsuit. Our right to wear a skimpy swimsuit has validated us as women.

Or something like that.

So this summer, enjoy your perfect body. Even more, enjoy your perfect bathing suit. May you continue to be worthy of that bathing suit by waxing and using that tanner. Even more importantly, strive to cultivate the proper bathing suit attitude. Happy summer!

Next up: Bikini Cram School

June 21, 2009 at 2:38 pm 7 comments

Cathy and the Perfect Bikini Body

Cathy expresses in her typical way the stress that comes during bikini season.

(Click the picture to get the details.)

dim

AAACKK! Indeed.

In this strip, Cathy is at the supermarket when she sees all the tabloids. Many of the celebrities lost weight to fit into bikinis. Many of those same celebrities were in their 50s and even 60s. Even Jessica Alba joined the club, getting a bikini body at her 8th month of pregnancy. Jennifer Lopez and Angelina Jolie got their bikini bodies days after giving birth to twins.

“Today’s fabulous, fit females inspire a whole new goal for swimwear season!”

Yes. It all makes sense now.

June 19, 2009 at 2:04 pm Leave a comment

Bikini Season

836836178_d9faa8ee67Ahhh… summer. The season that speaks of outdoor barbecues, lemonade, picnics, and sunshine. After a dark, depressing winter in which our skin dried up, we welcome the season of smooth, tanned, glowing skin.

However, summer is also bikini season. We will be spending a lot of time outdoors, soaking up Vitamin D. We will go to the beach multiple times. We will either be swimming, tanning, or hosting that picnic/barbecue/pool party. Most likely in the skimpy little nothings that are all the rage these days.

209921437_451cc14d04

That means that we women will head to the nearest department store(s) in hopes of getting a bathing suit that will fit properly without having our flab hang out over the edges. This is a nightmare, often resulting in tears of despair and pain. Despair because our tops and bottoms are different sizes, making us buy two swimsuits in two different sizes because the stupid salesclerk won’t let us mix and match. More despair because bikini swimsuits are typically not tummy control. Pain because the darling (tight!) swimsuit makes red lines along our rear and midsections.

41UvBWspHkL._AA280_Fear not! For it is still spring, and you still have time. Time to exercise/crash diet to get your body into perfection, and time to peruse the women’s magazines for advice on which swimsuits to buy which will enhance your shape (i.e., won’t make you look like a donut or a pole).

In this post, we will look at exercise and crash diets. Which crash diets the stars are using to push their bodies into perfection, and which exercise regimes would be the best for us to get into bikini body shape.

What women knows not the struggle of not having the perfect, toned body? As we know, tans, orange or otherwise, don’t look good on flab. Bikinis likewise only look good on skinny ladies. The best thing is that you can get skinny, just like Paris Hilton! As the season approaches, magazines have tips and exercise/diet plans that will get you into that shape within a month. Not only that, the tabloids have inspirational stories of women who tried a certain diet/exercise regime and got the perfect body! If they can do it, you certainly can.

melissa_joan-hartTake Melissa Joan Hart, for instance. As reported by People magazine, the former star of Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, found herself horrified by the unflattering bathing suit pictures of herself at a beach. She thus decided to take matters into her own hands and lose the fat. The actress, who reads discussing blogs about how fat she became, has not stopped doing that. She said, “Everyone still thinks I’m huge.”

melissa-joan-hart-picture-3

Hart, before

But why did such a pretty lady become so fat?How could she let things go like this? Simply stated, pregnancy. She gave birth to two sons. Hart stated that Hollywood put pressure on her to get back in shape after her pregnancies. After all, the public is used to seeing all the other celebrity moms lose all the baby fat within mere weeks after giving birth.

Take women like Nicole Richie. Richie gave birth once. Almost immediately after, she was boney. Real boney.

When Hart did not follow suit, Hollywood was unhappy. And told her so in no uncertain terms.

It took her 14 months, but she did it. Finally. The actress claims that she was inspired by the women in her life, including her own mother Paula. Paula gave birth to seven children “and is tiny!” according to Hart. Hart continued, “I realized I didn’t have to be heavy just because I have kids.” After accepting this flash of insight, she feels amazing, and her life is much better.

It’s amazing what people will do to look good in a bikini.

There’s nothing like a little inspiration.

star-cover-2007_5248For more inspiration, the tabloids start snapping photos of celebrities at the beach. Then they compile all these photos into “best” and “worst” beach bodies. Take this cover as an example.

You will be guaranteed to gasp in horror, gazing at the bodies which failed the test. Cellulite? Oh noes! Flab? Shield your eyes! You will also gasp in awe and admiration, looking at the actresses who did make the cut.

“I wish I had a body like that.”

Correct. You do want a body like the “best” one, and you don’t want a body like the “worst” one. Therefore, you better get yourself in shape, so you can achieve one and not the other.

Just ignore “Owen’s Secret Heartbreak” at the top there.

Now let’s get into the diets themselves.

Glamour has a get-fit trick that is controversial and requires a bikini. The writer states that sometimes we have these cravings. We want chocolate cake, and we want it now. However… do we still want to indulge wearing a bikini? Nah.

If you want to splurge, you have to slip on a bikini or eat in front of the mirror. Weird or effective?

The writer concedes that this really might be a bad idea. It could lead to psychological and emotional issues. This strategy could even lead to an eating disorder. Ugh. No.

31132908_e68cd1420fHowever, she continues by saying that she likes the idea of stripping in front of the mirror to boost self-esteem. Then asks what the readers think of the idea of self-shame in the name of weight loss. The idea is to make you feel guilty for eating something that will make you fat. Wearing a bikini will alert you to this, and make you step away from the food.

24hourfitness.com has more tips to get a bikini body. They tell readers that before they must don their bikini, they must work on their problem areas. These problem areas are the arms, butt, abs, and shoulders. If those parts don’t look good, you won’t look good in a skimpy set of triangles that only cover your private areas. You have to make sure that those parts are toned and muscular. Nutrition is also key, which means that you must not overeat. Eat a sensible diet and WATCH THOSE CALORIES. Watch your portion sizes and drink lots of water to decrease your appetite.

And keep yourself motivated by going to the beach. Leave your swimsuit hanging up in plain view! Or post a picture of yourself looking great on the fridge. There’s a reason that Cathy tapes her bikini to the fridge. The writers again emphasize that only a toned, fit body looks good in a bikini.

But everyone wears bikinis. Your goal is to look good in it. Be worthy of that bikini.

Jennifer_Garner-1

Jennifer Garner

The other source for information is the celebrity trainers themselves. Cosmopolitan has interviewed five celebrity trainers, asking them for their tips on how to get a killer bikini body.

Celebrity trainer Gregg Miele (of Chloe Sevigny) says,

Do cardio first thing in the morning on an empty stomach. Your body will search for an energy source, and since you’ll probably have burned all your carbohydrates overnight, it will tap into fat. You could even have a shot of espresso or cup of black coffee before your workout to further boost your metabolism.

Wow, I’ve never heard of that before. I’ve never heard of Chloe Sevigny, either, but I guess it must work.

Jennifer Garner’s celeb trainer, Valerie Waters, recommends a better diet. She starts off all her clients with a kitchen purge, having them throw out all their processed junk: crackers, white bread, rice, and pasta.

I mean, I don’t know about you. But if I don’t eat my rice, I get cranky. And pasta is like, 50% of my diet.

413954329_4e76925313The important thing to remember is that this is all for a greater cause: the bikini body. If that means that you should give up crackers and pasta, so be it.

Here’s another fairly recent piece of info: Britney Spears is back in bikini-baring shape! As reported by Life and Style magazine, the star hit the beach not too long ago, revealing her beautiful bikini body.

A family insider stated that the 27 year old can be lax with dieting. She basically relies on her onstage dancing to keep her fit. And then she indulges in comfort food (just like us) and retains water. Just like us.

Spears

Spears

On the other hand, Spears notices when her body-hugging costumes are bulging in the wrong places, and does something about that. When she sees unsightly bulges, she switches to restriction weight-loss mode. Spears starts cutting back on the junk she eats to get things under control.

And apparently, she’s gotten things under control, for now.

There’s a lesson in this. If a druggie/alcoholic/insane/twice divorced/mother of two kids celebrity can do it, so can you.

June 17, 2009 at 1:13 pm 6 comments

Older Posts


Days of being Perfect

June 2009
M T W T F S S
« May   Jul »
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
2930  

Visitors

  • 158,917 Perfect People

Tracking the Perfect Lady

Error: Please make sure the Twitter account is public.