Bikini Season

June 17, 2009 at 1:13 pm 6 comments

836836178_d9faa8ee67Ahhh… summer. The season that speaks of outdoor barbecues, lemonade, picnics, and sunshine. After a dark, depressing winter in which our skin dried up, we welcome the season of smooth, tanned, glowing skin.

However, summer is also bikini season. We will be spending a lot of time outdoors, soaking up Vitamin D. We will go to the beach multiple times. We will either be swimming, tanning, or hosting that picnic/barbecue/pool party. Most likely in the skimpy little nothings that are all the rage these days.


That means that we women will head to the nearest department store(s) in hopes of getting a bathing suit that will fit properly without having our flab hang out over the edges. This is a nightmare, often resulting in tears of despair and pain. Despair because our tops and bottoms are different sizes, making us buy two swimsuits in two different sizes because the stupid salesclerk won’t let us mix and match. More despair because bikini swimsuits are typically not tummy control. Pain because the darling (tight!) swimsuit makes red lines along our rear and midsections.

41UvBWspHkL._AA280_Fear not! For it is still spring, and you still have time. Time to exercise/crash diet to get your body into perfection, and time to peruse the women’s magazines for advice on which swimsuits to buy which will enhance your shape (i.e., won’t make you look like a donut or a pole).

In this post, we will look at exercise and crash diets. Which crash diets the stars are using to push their bodies into perfection, and which exercise regimes would be the best for us to get into bikini body shape.

What women knows not the struggle of not having the perfect, toned body? As we know, tans, orange or otherwise, don’t look good on flab. Bikinis likewise only look good on skinny ladies. The best thing is that you can get skinny, just like Paris Hilton! As the season approaches, magazines have tips and exercise/diet plans that will get you into that shape within a month. Not only that, the tabloids have inspirational stories of women who tried a certain diet/exercise regime and got the perfect body! If they can do it, you certainly can.

melissa_joan-hartTake Melissa Joan Hart, for instance. As reported by People magazine, the former star of Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, found herself horrified by the unflattering bathing suit pictures of herself at a beach. She thus decided to take matters into her own hands and lose the fat. The actress, who reads discussing blogs about how fat she became, has not stopped doing that. She said, “Everyone still thinks I’m huge.”


Hart, before

But why did such a pretty lady become so fat?How could she let things go like this? Simply stated, pregnancy. She gave birth to two sons. Hart stated that Hollywood put pressure on her to get back in shape after her pregnancies. After all, the public is used to seeing all the other celebrity moms lose all the baby fat within mere weeks after giving birth.

Take women like Nicole Richie. Richie gave birth once. Almost immediately after, she was boney. Real boney.

When Hart did not follow suit, Hollywood was unhappy. And told her so in no uncertain terms.

It took her 14 months, but she did it. Finally. The actress claims that she was inspired by the women in her life, including her own mother Paula. Paula gave birth to seven children “and is tiny!” according to Hart. Hart continued, “I realized I didn’t have to be heavy just because I have kids.” After accepting this flash of insight, she feels amazing, and her life is much better.

It’s amazing what people will do to look good in a bikini.

There’s nothing like a little inspiration.

star-cover-2007_5248For more inspiration, the tabloids start snapping photos of celebrities at the beach. Then they compile all these photos into “best” and “worst” beach bodies. Take this cover as an example.

You will be guaranteed to gasp in horror, gazing at the bodies which failed the test. Cellulite? Oh noes! Flab? Shield your eyes! You will also gasp in awe and admiration, looking at the actresses who did make the cut.

“I wish I had a body like that.”

Correct. You do want a body like the “best” one, and you don’t want a body like the “worst” one. Therefore, you better get yourself in shape, so you can achieve one and not the other.

Just ignore “Owen’s Secret Heartbreak” at the top there.

Now let’s get into the diets themselves.

Glamour has a get-fit trick that is controversial and requires a bikini. The writer states that sometimes we have these cravings. We want chocolate cake, and we want it now. However… do we still want to indulge wearing a bikini? Nah.

If you want to splurge, you have to slip on a bikini or eat in front of the mirror. Weird or effective?

The writer concedes that this really might be a bad idea. It could lead to psychological and emotional issues. This strategy could even lead to an eating disorder. Ugh. No.

31132908_e68cd1420fHowever, she continues by saying that she likes the idea of stripping in front of the mirror to boost self-esteem. Then asks what the readers think of the idea of self-shame in the name of weight loss. The idea is to make you feel guilty for eating something that will make you fat. Wearing a bikini will alert you to this, and make you step away from the food. has more tips to get a bikini body. They tell readers that before they must don their bikini, they must work on their problem areas. These problem areas are the arms, butt, abs, and shoulders. If those parts don’t look good, you won’t look good in a skimpy set of triangles that only cover your private areas. You have to make sure that those parts are toned and muscular. Nutrition is also key, which means that you must not overeat. Eat a sensible diet and WATCH THOSE CALORIES. Watch your portion sizes and drink lots of water to decrease your appetite.

And keep yourself motivated by going to the beach. Leave your swimsuit hanging up in plain view! Or post a picture of yourself looking great on the fridge. There’s a reason that Cathy tapes her bikini to the fridge. The writers again emphasize that only a toned, fit body looks good in a bikini.

But everyone wears bikinis. Your goal is to look good in it. Be worthy of that bikini.


Jennifer Garner

The other source for information is the celebrity trainers themselves. Cosmopolitan has interviewed five celebrity trainers, asking them for their tips on how to get a killer bikini body.

Celebrity trainer Gregg Miele (of Chloe Sevigny) says,

Do cardio first thing in the morning on an empty stomach. Your body will search for an energy source, and since you’ll probably have burned all your carbohydrates overnight, it will tap into fat. You could even have a shot of espresso or cup of black coffee before your workout to further boost your metabolism.

Wow, I’ve never heard of that before. I’ve never heard of Chloe Sevigny, either, but I guess it must work.

Jennifer Garner’s celeb trainer, Valerie Waters, recommends a better diet. She starts off all her clients with a kitchen purge, having them throw out all their processed junk: crackers, white bread, rice, and pasta.

I mean, I don’t know about you. But if I don’t eat my rice, I get cranky. And pasta is like, 50% of my diet.

413954329_4e76925313The important thing to remember is that this is all for a greater cause: the bikini body. If that means that you should give up crackers and pasta, so be it.

Here’s another fairly recent piece of info: Britney Spears is back in bikini-baring shape! As reported by Life and Style magazine, the star hit the beach not too long ago, revealing her beautiful bikini body.

A family insider stated that the 27 year old can be lax with dieting. She basically relies on her onstage dancing to keep her fit. And then she indulges in comfort food (just like us) and retains water. Just like us.



On the other hand, Spears notices when her body-hugging costumes are bulging in the wrong places, and does something about that. When she sees unsightly bulges, she switches to restriction weight-loss mode. Spears starts cutting back on the junk she eats to get things under control.

And apparently, she’s gotten things under control, for now.

There’s a lesson in this. If a druggie/alcoholic/insane/twice divorced/mother of two kids celebrity can do it, so can you.


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The Arabian Performance Artist’s Anarcho-Syndicalist Nurse Cathy and the Perfect Bikini Body

6 Comments Add your own

  • 1. stamperdad  |  June 17, 2009 at 1:25 pm

    From this man’s perspective there is far too much emphasis placed on being skinny. Healthy should be the emphasis.

    Bikinis are also overrated. There are lots of hot, good looking one piece suits available. Ladies skinny doesn’t necessarily equate with being sexy. Sexy is outer and innner appearance.

  • 2. highlyirritable  |  June 17, 2009 at 2:42 pm

    I often think if I were wealthy enough to pay for personal trainers, chefs and nutritionist, that I could lose weight and eat more healthily.

    Then again, I could use that money to pay a driver to go to Tim Horton’s, Taco Bell, Burger King…


  • 3. Fred  |  June 17, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    Funny. There is nothing in a man’s life he frets over (including his choice of a wife) as much as women do over their bikini.


  • 4. Bikini Wax  |  June 18, 2009 at 10:00 am

    A great way to look good in a bikini is to make sure all your skin in your bikini region is nice and smooth. You could get a wax or they make useful bikini hair removal products that prove to be a great alternative. That’s the final step of looking great in your bikini.

  • 5. alantru  |  June 18, 2009 at 11:06 pm

    I have to agree with Fred on this one.

  • 6. Kathy  |  June 19, 2009 at 10:16 am

    Nice piece! Very interesting.

    I’ve given up on wearing a bikini since I’ve had three kids.
    So I bought a nice brown one-piece swimsuit. The dark color makes me look slimmer.

    Liked the humor in your article. Good job.


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