Archive for June 21, 2009

The perfect bikini

Say that you’ve reached that epitome of perfect thinness by starving, restricting, and crash dieting while avoiding pasta and rice. You exercised, and exercised, and exercised. The next step, naturally, is to find the perfect bikini. Once you find the perfect bikini, you must then try to look sexy in it. Being thin and toned does not mean sexy, after all.

Women’s Health magazine has a list of what kinds of swimsuits would look good with a particular body type. That’s assuming that you’re toned already, as the models show you. There’s tips on what swimsuits are recommended. There are a couple of one piece suits, but the majority of the suits are bikini bathing suits.

V285977For the pear shape, the editors recommend a number that disguises tummy pooch and elongates legs. I’m not sure how a skimpy bikini number will ever manage to disguise pooch, but there you have it. Another option is the black boy shirt, which I could not find a picture of, but you can see if you click on the link.

The athletic type gets a string bikini that looks something like the blue bikini on the left. They can also wear a skirted bottom. Their toned bodies, with lots of packed muscle, are the best types to show off this type of suit.

The boyish figure gets ruffles and padding to emphasize what’s missing.

Picture 2Allure has what they call an “insider’s guide” on how to get the perfect bikini. Because their beauty people know what’s what when it comes to looking for that bikini. First, they say, you must start shopping after you’ve decided to go to the Bahamas. That Bahamas trip plus all the potential for meeting a hunky man will give you the desperation and drive to go shopping to find the bikini that won’t make you look fat. My advice to you is to book a vacation now. A vacation to Alaska does NOT count.

Self-tanner can also make you feel great about your body, they continue.

Go shopping before lunch because you won’t feel as fat.

Keep in mind how bikini bottoms make your butt look, among others.

I like the lunch one.

Glamour, not wanting to be behind on the swimsuit movement, has their own tips as well. These three tips are guaranteed to make you a beach bombshell. Even if you’re a “swim-suit wary” lady, these tips are bound to turn you into a “certified sun goddess.” Just tell me where to go to get my certification. Oh where? To the place for perfect bikinis? Oh really?


These tips tell you not to go wild on the bottom. No crazy designs or anything I think that means. Bring focus up from your butt. Who wants to look at your butt? Uh… I could tell you a few people. And do go for a fairly high cut bottom to draw the attention back down to your butt!

They agree with Women’s Health that frills, ruffles, and distractions that basically help a flat-chested woman look bigger in those parts. It seems that flat chests are so not in right now.

Ok. Now say that you’ve got the perfect body AND the perfect swimsuit. Now you have to get your body prepped. No, I don’t mean exercise since you’ve exercised your way to perfection. Other things. Cosmopolitan has their tips on how to look sexy in a bikini, if you’ve already got that toned body.

First, we must have soft skin. Leathery skin is not in, not sexy. Exfoliate. Repeat. Exfoliate. Repeat. Spend time on it to get that perfectly soft skin that men would love.

Bikini-Beauty_lvSecond, one must beat the acne. Acne can prevent people from feeling confident in a bikini, Cosmo’s writer states. It’s also a well known fact that acne keeps women from wearing slinky tops and skimpy bikinis.

The solution? Not wearing a coat and covering the acne, of course. Get rid of the acne! If you have acne, you will deeply reduce your sexiness and status as “certified sun goddess.” Don’t let something like a few pimples let you from gaining your certification. Acne grosses people out, keeps you from having sex, and ensuring that you will die single and lonely.

That woman is Cosmo‘s idea of the sexy woman in a bikini. She is ZEE sun goddess. She is shiny, plastic-looking, and HAS NO ACNE.

Also, don’t forget about your feet. Warm milk and water help you achieve the perfectly smooth feet.

894389797_4abd3a3d4eDone that? Great. You’re only two small steps away from being perfect, and then some more.

Next one. Hair peeping out around the bikini line is the grossest thing ever. Cosmo says, “A smooth set of legs and underarms and a flawless bikini line are essential for warm weather.” Consider waxing your legs. Pain is no obstacle.

Tan. Like Lindsay Lohan. Ghost white is not cool anymore. This isn’t the 19th century.

Finally, you have the perfect body. You have the perfect bathing suit, and the perfect skin, feet, and tan. You’ve done a rigorous and painful beauty regime that consists of acne treatments, constant exfoliation, spray on tanner, and painful wax strips. What’s missing?

The attitude.

Glamour has a list of reasons to feel bathing-suit confident.

  1. You probably look better than you think. We tend to overestimate the size of our hips.
  2. Dorothy Dale Kloss is 85 but still a performing showgirl. People are lining up to see her. And she’s wearing something barely there. I doubt that the lady in the article is her.
  3. Hips are in. Thanks to Beyonce. People are happier with their hips.
  4. Most of us don’t wear size 2. But all the models in the Glamour slides do.
  5. Swimsuits are comfy. As comfy as a couple of triangles can be.
  6. The emancipation of swimwear has always been linked to the emancipation of women. You are free to wear a skimpy swimsuit. Our right to wear a skimpy swimsuit has validated us as women.

Or something like that.

So this summer, enjoy your perfect body. Even more, enjoy your perfect bathing suit. May you continue to be worthy of that bathing suit by waxing and using that tanner. Even more importantly, strive to cultivate the proper bathing suit attitude. Happy summer!

Next up: Bikini Cram School


June 21, 2009 at 2:38 pm 7 comments

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