Bikini Cram School

June 27, 2009 at 9:23 am 4 comments

Every year, there are those who succeed. They are the ones who receive the certification of “sun goddess” and walk on the beach or through the water with their glowing, golden skin gleaming in the sunlight, their ab muscles tight and hard, and their skin perfectly smooth. From head to toe, they have fulfilled all the requirements needed to look good in a bikini and honor that bikini properly.

However, every year there are those who fail. They can wear a bikini but they don’t look good in it. Maybe their skin is dry. Maybe they have some flab. Maybe they don’t tan well. Maybe the soles of their feet are grungy. For whatever reason, they have failed to receive the certification of “sun goddess” as described by Glamour. Is there any hope for them/us?

Welcome to bikini cram school.

First of all, the full-figured Jessica Simpson has released a line of teeny bathing suits. If she can do a teeny bathing suit, you can too. has also asked expert Emily Neill on tips on how to look fabulous in a suit without even hitting the gym. Oprah has experts, and they walked out on the street and selected a few ladies who looked fat in their bathing suits. Oprah’s experts also can tell you how to not look old in a swimsuit. Here we will also receive tips about flattering one-piece suits from the Ladies’ Home Journal, for those ladies that simply cannot wear a bikini.

spl75793_001.0.0.0x0.660x825.0.0.0x0.400x503Sounds great, right? Let’s get started.

One morning, I checked Glamour‘s twitter feed for any cool blog posts that I could probably use for this blog. They update so often it’s often overwhelming. But all that info is just there for the taking. With just a simple click I can find out what Ashley Olsen’s been wearing these days, the cool new diet trends that are coming around, and any fashion updates.

Anyway, one of their beauty bloggers reported that Jessica Simpson is releasing a new line of teeny bikinis. She’s teamed up with the swimwear pro Red Carter to create the Jessica Simpson Swim Collection. Sadly, the swimwear won’t hit stores until December, at which time they’ll be perfectly useless. However, Glamour allowed their readers have a sneak peek at what the line has to offer.

The line will consist of swim separates, as Jessica Simpson and Red Carter know how hard it is for women to find bikinis that fit. From what I can say, they’re teeny. Really teeny. I’d like to see whether Jessica Simpson wears one. Seeing how full-figured she is, that should be interesting.

prodImage.msEmily Neil from Stylist has several tips on how to not look fat in a swimsuit. You don’t even have to exercise! If you wear a halter top with a skirt bottom, it can make your toned legs look fat. Wear it with a higher cut bottom.

The tips are supplemented by pictures of “less-than-perfect” women who were guilty of choosing the unlovely suits. The message is clear: if you don’t choose the right bathing suit, you will be sad and glum just like those ladies.

Christine, one of the women undergoing a swimsuit makeover, had a thick middle that she made even thicker by wearing one of those skirt bottoms. She was guilty of compromising on the sexy. You’re not supposed to compromise on sexiness. Knowing this, Neill gave her a suit with a deep V-neck while giving her a bikini bottom that masked her imperfect stomach.

Another lovely lady, Pam, was glum and sad as well. She wore a two piece bathing suit with a bikini top and a polka dot skirt that made her bottom look square and her thighs heavy. She had no curves. What should she do?

2839174466_b235069a43Pam was given a green string bikini to make her look curvier (does she?) and the triangles supposedly made her small bust look bigger.

Then we have slim Stephanie. Though she may seem to have little trouble with her shape, she has a long torso and shorter legs “which means that she can make bad suit choices too.” And the very expression on her face attests to this. It’s an expression which says, “What have I done to myself?” The way she’s gesturing to her butt shows that she knows that she has done wrong.

They gave her a bikini, thus showing that you can make yourself look fat even if you technically aren’t fat. Neill had another tip for “correcting” a long torso, which is a flaw. Pair a hip-grazing tankini with a high-cut bottoms. The pair helps create an appearance of longer legs.

Oprah, as with everything else in life, can help us not look fat in a swimsuit. She and a makeover team selected eight different women with ugly bathing suits that had made them look fat. The artists dispensed lots of advice to these eight women, and traded their icky swimsuits for something more desirable and sexy.

Though come to think of it, I’ve never seen Oprah in a bathing suit.

The tips given include:

  • Buying a bigger size because one of the worst sins you can commit is buying something that’s too tight and let’s your fat pooch spill out over the edges.
  • Brighten up gradually because pale skin doesn’t look good with bright colors. Who knew. When you get more color (orangeness), then and only then can you get bright colors. Maybe an orange bathing suit to match the color of your skin.
  • Accentuate the positive. Dark colors where you don’t want attention and patterns where you do. People tend to look at patterns rather than dark colors, methinks, though I wouldn’t know how this works.
  • Know your body. If you have big boobs no way are you going to walk out there in tiny little triangles.
  • 3-11-08floormirror4Psych yourself. Again, shopping before lunchtime makes you feel thinner. Don’t shop when you’re bloated. Tan beforehand because tanning makes you feel sexier. That is if you get it right.
  • Don’t rush. Those ladies that run in, grab something, and run out? Wrong. Try on at least TEN suits. “If the changing room doesn’t have a three-way mirror, leave.” Always reserve several hours for shopping, if not the whole day. Just remember that you’re not to eat during the process.
  • Explore online options. Make sure the website has free returns. Going online means that your house is your changing room. And just remember, if your changing room doesn’t have a three way mirror… uhh… don’t you own one already?

The first lady who had a makeover wore a bright tankini which the team discarded as a no no. They gave her a one-piece, which had the purpose of making people not look at her butt. Another lady, of 60 years of age, wore a bikini with a skirt bottom. Saying that it looked old on her, they gave her a suit with a deep V-neck which again made people avoid looking at her butt. (Tip: “Draws focus upward” is just a fancy phrase for “makes them nt look at butt.”)

beauty_suit_108_350x263The seventh woman wore a bikini much too small. They replaced that bikini with a suit that made her boobs look smaller. Nothing about the butt this time. Except that the original swimsuit was cutting into it, looking quite unflattering.

Finally, the last woman, here on the left, was “so flat chested that she felt her butt was out of proportion.” What did they give her? A string bikini and heels.

It’s all about the butt, ladies.

Lesson 2 from Oprah: How to not look OLD in a swimsuit. As if it weren’t bad enough looking fat. Looking old is pretty horrible, especially in this world which emphasizes that you should look young at all times. Robin Monheit, the article writer, turned to style reporter Charla Krupp, who is the expert on how to not look old, period.

41d06VrkhLL._AA280_Krupp says that swimsuit shopping is the most tortuous shopping of all. She gives us some more advice on shopping, telling us to shave or wax our legs and bikini line. Don’t forget the tan. She also tells us that a V-neck one-piece looks good on most ladies. Especially with a brooch on the cleavage point that will, guess what, distract people from gazing at your butt.

Any suit with a skirt attached is instant old lady look. Only wear when you want to look like Grandma. Get a swim dress instead, like the one on the right which not only is on a sexy model, but has tummy control.

The tankini is also a disaster (sorry people who went to for anyone over 40. Just get something that shapes you nicely.

6a00d8345180d369e200e5536133e88833-800piSpeaking of shapewear, Krupp advises readers to wear shapewear, especially when they get older. The best ones can take almost an inch off your body. Imagine that. When you get old, you need padding, bra, boning, construction, and more. Otherwise oldness sets in.

Other advise: no boy shorts (sorry, again to the people who went to unless you look like a boy, no skimpy bikinis unless you look like Madonna (fairly recent picture on left, gotta love those arms coff coff), cutouts unless you’re Paris Hilton and even then you’ll need the eye bleach, horizontal stripes, metallics because those make you look fat, no going braless, or white.

Finally, there are those who simply cannot wear a bikini. For those ladies in question, there are an array of pretty one piece swimsuits at their disposal. Ladies’ Home Journal has a list of one piece swimsuits that will flatter your figure “and hide trouble spots.”

  • ss_100500269_fixedThere’s the classic sporty suit. Called a “Shape Solver,” these have super-strong Lycra that will shape AND flatter. Meaning it won’t shape you into a ball or something like that. About a hundred bucks.
  • Slenderizing details are good too. Calvin Klein has one that has piping that will “slim the silhouette.”
  • Land’s End has a Slender Suit for 62 bucks. It supposedly looks good on EVERYONE.
  • The belted suit will help you “channel your inner Bond girl.” It’s no longer your inner child. Or your inner spirit. Or your inner goddess. It’s the inner Bond girl. I thought the Bond girls didn’t wear suits. From what I read they went around in the nude.
  • Then there’s the Tucked-in Tummy, on the right for your enjoyment. Miraclesuit has a beauty for 126 dollars. It has the panels and the bands which will ensure that you won’t bulge anywhere.
  • ss_100500270_fixedDon’t forget strategic ruching. The black number on the right is available from Anne Cole Studios for $114. Notice all the fancy ruching. That has the purpose of elongating the torso. Remember the lady with the short torso? This bathing suit has the means of correcting that defect.
  • How about a fancy vintage style swimsuit for 80 which will make you have sexy curves where you had none? Also hides what you don’t want shown. Only 80 dollars!
  • Then the colorful one piece that has a hole to reveal cleavage.
  • Or the wrap suit. We need all the help we can get, so why not enlist some optical illusions? 116 from Miraclesuit.
  • And more.

And with prices of more than 70 dollars, you’re all set to go!

The moral? Even if you didn’t lose the weight, there is still hope for you. Even if you are not fat, you can still look fat because of your poor choices. Or old. Oprah knows best. Bathing suit advisors contradict.

But an expensive suit with ruching can solve all your problems.


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4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. TurkeyLurkey  |  June 27, 2009 at 11:10 am

    Is it me, or does Madonna’s muscles make her arms look older? IMO- When women reach a certain age, they should have a little cushioning. They still have every right to wear a swimsuit, but with a little cushioning, their grandchildren wont get bruises when they run up to hug them at the beach. 🙂

  • 2. alantru  |  June 29, 2009 at 12:30 am

    I flunked out of Bikini School. So I went to Europe to find myself. I found myself in Amsterdam with no money. That’s when I came home and went to Thong School. I coasted, didn’t study and then ended up having to cram for The Thong School finals. I failed miserably.

  • 3. Claire Collins  |  June 29, 2009 at 1:49 am

    I hate wearing swimsuits. I never look good in them. It’s a benefit of being married for a really long time. I don’t have to impress him anymore with how I look in a suit! And I have my own pool, so me parading around the edge in a swimsuits stops the neighbors from peeking over the wall.

  • 4. Amy Bai  |  June 29, 2009 at 7:25 am

    I only got a B- on my bikini finals: I know the reviled swimdress is *never* the answer, but I kept thinking there was a trick question in there somewhere.

    Ah well. I’m gong for my Master’s in seamless underwear next year: better luck with that.


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