What Not To Wear, Bikini Style
For the past few weeks, we’ve looked at and poked and investigated. We’ve gone shopping, starved ourselves for days just to feel thin, and exercised our butts off. We’ve cut out pasta, looked for the best one piece suits which would not make us look fat or old, all the while looking for that perfect bikini that would make us into a sun goddess. We’ve tanned, we’ve sloughed off our skin, and we’ve softened the soles of our feet with a rigorous beauty regime.
We must know what to avoid.
We must know the bathing suits which, though they may fit well, just look plain ugly. Or will end up somewhere on the web, with commenters making fun of you. And once we know which to avoid, we must then do that — avoid. Stay away. Do not wear. Do not buy. Do not try on in the swimsuit store.
First of all, do not take your swimsuit cues from Paris Hilton. Just this year, the heiress has been sighted in some mighty interesting bathing suits.
Here’s one of the most awful.
The sex tape star has been ridiculed for this creative bathing suit by many LOLz. So unless you want to be a butt of jokes, do not wear this bathing suit. Do NOT.
How about her “crochetkini” from a year back? Oh dear.
She looks happy, though. Don’t burst her bubble, anyone.
Let’s not even talk about the bathing suit picture snapped in Hawaii where she was scratching her butt. See the rest of the photos here.
Glamour has a list of do’s and don’ts for hitting the beach. These do’s and don’ts range from bathing suits to skin care to coverups.
We heard from Oprah’s experts that white bathing suits are a don’t and must NOT be worn at all. However, Glamour tells us something different. White bathing suits are a DO. They show off bodies. While Oprah’s experts tell us that white bathing suits are embarrassing, especially when they get wet, Glamour‘s experts tell us that they show off your body really well. I’m sure.
Conclusion: white bathing suit = grey area.
Slide 6 is a weird one. This anonymous woman has been a victim of poor judgement. She is to be pitied, now delegated to being the laughingstock, with her awful bathing suit pictures circulating the web. What’s the woman wearing? “Is it a top? A suit? A bunch of straps? Just imagine the tan lines!” You decide. To me it looks like she’s wearing a bra over a monokini. Not just one bra top, but two or three.
Don’t be like her. Wear one swimsuit, not a monokini with two bras or whatever it is that she’s wearing.
Thongs are also a no no. Even if your butt is nice. Don’t. Ugh.
Don’t get a ruched bottom. Ruching can make your boobs look bigger. But they do not go on your butt. This poor woman in slide 12 has a tush to die for, they say, but the ruched bottom ruins it all. Poor lady.
No droopy drawers or sarongs. Cover up is cover up. Not bare all. Please! The lady in slide 16 is guilty of a droopy sarong. It’s around her hips and does not cover her bathing suit at all. You’ve gotta see it to believe it. To make matters worse, she’s wearing a monokini thing that does not fit well enough.
No heels with swimsuits. Just because Oprah puts her gals in heels with their swimsuits doesn’t mean you should actually walk around like that.
Finally, underwear is NOT swimwear.
Keep your lacy bras off the beach.
Meanwhile, a cool site called Momlogic has a gallery with their collection of 25 horrifying swimsuits. These swimsuits have committed some of the worst of fashion sins and should be delegated to the seventh level of fashion hell.
Such as the poor woman (slide 3) who is said to be searching for her dignity. Her swimsuit is not a swimsuit. It’s a dress. That looks to be about 3 layers thick. The girl on the right is wearing some sort of shorts/shirt combo underneath her very own padded swim dress. They look happy…
The question here is: in this day and age when so many women, even the ones who shouldn’t be seen in such swimsuits, are opting for tiny bikinis and monokinis with strategic cutouts, why would women want to wear a padded swim dress? We who diet and fast and exercise to be worthy of the bikini cannot understand.
The same store sells a padded shorts/coverall sort of swim suit. It sort of looks like the dress, only it’s shorts. Happy children are seen wearing them.
This suit also defies the logic we’ve learned on the hunt for a perfect bikini. Swimsuits should not be leotards. The goal of wearing a swimsuit is a. to get a nice tan and b. to show off as much skin as possible. Didn’t she get the memo? Obviously not.
Then there’s the fringe bathing suit. Yes, the kind of bathing suit which is made up ONLY of fringe. It’s worse than anything we’ve ever seen on Paris Hilton, guaranteed. Fringe belongs on your handbag, not your skimpy bikini bathing suit. Or should that be “fringini”? The lady wearing the bathing suit looked like someone who sold sex for a living. Or a topless dancer/stripper. Granted, that kind of bathing suit would probably draw a lot of attention.
Not the nice kind of attention.
Then there’s the bodacious woman wearing a skimpy monokini. What was the problem? Not the monokini, as you might think. It was the fact that her monokini had LEOPARD PRINT. Boo. Do not wear a bathing suit that looks like you’ve skinned an animal and made a suit out of it. You will get letters from the PETA telling you to spare the animals.
Animals are our friends! We should not do these things under any circumstance:
- Eat them.
- Torture them by eating them
- Skin them and use their hides for bathing suits
The slide after that had an even skimpier monokini with a blue cheetah print. “Don’t like cheetah’s? Cut one up.”
Then the one after that, a bright yellow monokini from Victoria’s Secret, was marked as a horrifying no-no. “There’s no secret here! Thus proving that monokinis, as fashionable as they are right now, are still highly controversial and only a few styles look truly sun goddess worthy.
Then there was the woman who wore a green bathing suit. The fabric covering her bazooms and her butt were connected to each other with a network of black straps. The straps also extended down to her legs. That should make for some interesting tan lines. Viewing the suit from the back, all you could see where the black straps. Not one hint of what was supposed to be fabric.
The lady modeling the suit is holding an apple. Is she supposed to be Eve in the book of Genesis, holding the forbidden fruit?
Then there’s the lady who’s wearing a panty hose inspired bathing suit. She looks like she has fake boobs. And then took a piece of black panty hose and wrapped it around her body. She is immediately followed by the lady who took a roll of toilet paper and wrapped it around herself.
Or you could always use dental floss.
While those that wear and praise the bikini do show off a lot of skin, there are limits. One must not wear a bikini made of dental floss. Or toilet paper. Or what looks like both. Such swimsuits are the kind that only sex workers wear. Not the normal lady walking on the beach with her man toy.
Bring on the brain bleach!
When choosing a bathing suit, remember what you must not do. Upon hitting the beach, remember to avoid underwear, Paris Hilton, thongs, droopy cover ups that fail to cover up, padded swim dresses, leotard swimwear, stringy monokinis, leopard/cheetah prints, a black strap network swim suit, panty hose, toilet paper, and dental floss.