Bikini Cram School, Supermodel Style

July 7, 2009 at 10:01 am 8 comments

tyra-banks-testifies-against-stalkerIt’s not only the celebrities like Jessica Simpson who want to help us in our quest to find the perfect swimsuit.

It turns out that there are two other sets of women who think they can help.

Who? The supermodels, and the Dancing With the Stars Women.

There can be no better people for such. For supermodels, it’s evident why. Who has not watched the tall, leggy, stick-thin young women swaying down the runaway and envied their bodies? They seem to keep thin with no effort. If they’re Victoria’s Secret models or the horribly beautiful Tyra Banks, they are tall, thin, but with curves in all the right places.

No wonder the guys like the Victoria’s Secret catalogs so much.

We sit in front of our TVs and secretly wonder whether they came out of the womb bikini ready, with their sun goddess certifications in their perfectly manicured hands. And it certainly seems that way. We secretly despise them, for our less than satisfactory bodies rebel too often, making us eat unhealthy stuff like pasta and rice.

Then we wake up in front of the fridge, realizing that we just ate one bowl of macaroni salad.

And curse our “fat” bodies.

Dancing-With-The-Stars-a34Meanwhile, the Dancing with the Stars women are perfect for inspiration to become skinny. As watchers of the show can attest, those women wear some really skimpy costumes. REAL skimpy. Like, skimpy-skimpy. Bikini skimpy at times. No one, especially the guys, can deny that they show of the women’s bodies to their best advantage. (Whose advantage? Don’t ask.)

But these ladies are going to DANCE. They have to have slim, beautifully toned bodies if they want to wow the judges of this reality show.

However, they were not always like that. There was a day, long ago, when they were not as thin and as sexy as they are now. A day… when they were just like us.

Also, as it turns out, even the supermodels have to work hard daily to keep in the exalted state they’re in. Who knew?

Glamour posted a link to a site that interviewed several of these supermodels, asking them what they did to keep their bodies so bikini ready. Now, they’re revealing their secrets just for YOU.

“Models dish their secrets on near-naked perfection.”

(Just in case you were interested, they add. What do you mean “just in case”? OF COURSE we’re interested!)

However, unlike us, these supermodels have to be bikini ready all year round. When it’s not bikini season for us, it’s bikini season for them.

“Eyee havv too bee een aye beekeenee awl yeer rond.”*

adriana-lima-doutzen-kroes-a05.previewTheir secrets were quite different, varying from model to model.

One woman, Paulina Porizkova (she’s Russian, I think) said, “Oh, I eat very little. And I exercise a LOT.”

What kind of exercise was the next question asked.

Doutzen Kroes, a beautiful, glamourous blonde, was happy to tell us. “The verkout I luv,” (insert dramatic pause) “eez jumpvrope.”

I heard somewhere that jumprope can help you grow taller.

“Eye dahn’t hayv much tyyme to verk out… I yuv surfing, end vollervladin, end, like, yawga, Eye try to do yawga like, tvice aye veek,” says Alessandra Ambrosio, a Victoria’s Secret model.

“You havv to put an evvort een lukin gewd,” continued Kroes.

wm-flaviadeoliveiraThe exception was Flavia de Oliveira, who said with a bit of helpless charm, “Actually… eye dunt doo ennything…” (insert embarrassed laughter) “… yuh.” (The Glamour blogger, I might add, wanted to kill her. I personally thought that the “five foot eleven gazelle” was kind of cute.)

She just went to the beach, “Take sun,” and drank lots of coconut water. “No need tew verk out.”

de Oliveira added, “Eye feel like such aye snob!!!”


The video was interjected with many gratuitous shots of the models in question strutting their stuff on the runways, in every single kind of bikini imagined. Even bikinis that did not look like bikinis. Do people walk around the beach with six foot wings on their backs?

One lady was wearing what looked like a diaper bag.

I glimpsed a metal bikini at one point. Not Princess Leia style, though. It was more like some silver thing with spikes and dangly things.

01-edytaThe Dancing with the Stars women underwent big makeovers before the big show, as revealed by US magazine. Take Edyta Sliwinska, the only professional dancer to appear on the show. She revealed her, uh, dreadfully untoned (?) body before on the right, telling the interviewers that she avoided pasta, bread, rice, and candy. Basically, Sliwinska cut out all her carbs. (Click the picture for full detail, or just go on the link I gave you to see for yourself.)

Tada! See the new, revealed Edyta Sliwinska after taking a strict, 1,500 calorie a day diet and dancing in heels!


(I personally see no difference except in the first picture she’s wearing more clothes.)

Denise Richards, before, had gained a whopping 10 pounds after her mom passed away. Just look at her, um, fat body from before.

Denise Richards

She was transformed by six weeks of training with her dancing partner. Richards got her abs back! While still eating pizza and ice cream, she went from a size 26 to 24 inch jeans. And she’s a mom of two kids, so take that!

Even Lil’ Kim flaunted a fuller figure before. Just look what working out with a NYC trainer six days a week did to her! “I feel toned! My stomach is flatter!”

Lil' Kim

Lacey Schwimmer, before, struggled with her weight. People made fun of her because she was “shapely.” She stated that she would never have a model’s body because she was an athlete. However, Schwimmer was happy about that. Well… she shed 10 pounds by swapping her fatty foods for grilled chicken, steamed veggies, and fruit. She also cut out soda to help her drop the weight fast and become slim and beautiful.

12-cherylThen there was Cheryl Burke. You’ve gotta see for yourself how, um, uh, fat she was back then. She said that she never weighed herself. That was all the comment US magazine gave. They included a bikini shot. And, yeah… um. Not really sure what to say. But she struggled with her weight a lot. In fact, Burke blamed her weight on going off her birth control pills (no really, we don’t want to know).

(Like… wow. She’s actually really toned before. And she doesn’t look anything different from her after shot.)

However, even she dropped 10 pounds by rehearsing eight hours, five days a week. “You can’t help but lose weight with that grueling schedule.”

Julianne Hough believes in enjoying life instead of obsessing over dieting. Like most women who have their little sins, her particular sin was eating a whole cup of gummy worms in one sitting. Get that.

“Well… I’m not sure. Wait! I ate a whole cup of gummy worms once.”

How big is a cup? Little cup or big cup?

To exercise off the gummy worms, she maintains a five-day-a-week workout.

20-shawnLastly, tiny Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson was not above insecurities about her slender frame. She did not like showing off her stomach, despite unforgiving leotards in the 2008 Olympics. The 17-year-old in her before shot is shielding her stomach with a bouquet of flowers.

After a grueling eight-hours-a-day dancing sessions, the athlete (the “single athlete” they said. So just you know, she’s available) was finally prepared for a revealing dress. No longer self-conscious about her stomach, this petite gold medalist felt like a princess.

There’s an important lesson here. If you have insecurities about your toned, otherwise perfect body, you can lose all your insecurities by dieting and exercise, and of course, Dancing with the Stars. Do you slip up and eat a cup of gummy worms once in a while? A five-day-a-week workout will cure all that! If you feel insecure about your toned abs and feel shy about wearing a cutout dress as a result, the cure is exercise and more exercise and more exercise.

Rinse and repeat.

Also, cutting out bread, pasta, and rice helps. So does drinking coconut water.

Finally, we women can be thankful that it’s not “bikini season” for us all year round. We can slack off during the winter months except for the occasional exercise video. We only need to worry about fitting into bikinis when it’s too hot to hide under a sweatshirt anymore.

And the guys? Well… it’s bikini season all year round for the models… well…

*The way I wrote how the models talked is not to make fun of them or otherwise mock them. I believe in embracing our uniqueness… and I also believe in seeing the humor in many things. The accents are pretty cute.


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8 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Kate  |  July 7, 2009 at 3:12 pm

    What a great post and insight about celebrity bodies.

  • 2. Anne Skalitza  |  July 7, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    And to think I ate a bowl of white rice for lunch.
    Great post!
    (“stormie” from AW)

  • 3. Kathy  |  July 7, 2009 at 8:51 pm

    Good post.

    Interesting. I’ve decided I’m willing to exercise in order to fit into my swimsuit but I’m not giving up foods I like.

  • 4. Eric Richardville  |  July 8, 2009 at 3:02 am

    Very nice post. I, personally, like curvy women. My wife is the most beautiful woman that I have ever laid eyes on. I don’t know what that has anything to do with this post, I just wanted to say that. LOL. I like this post a lot. As with all your other posts, it is very smart, insightful and intriguing.

  • 5. sraikh  |  July 8, 2009 at 3:26 pm

    I was laughing at your models with the accents. With such images and bodies being thrown at us every single day, how can the average women not feel fat in her size 10s or 12s?

    How do I protect my 10 yr old from low self esteem? This is one of my biggest fears.

    I went completely off tangent from your post 🙂

  • 6. Caryn Caldwell  |  July 8, 2009 at 6:23 pm

    Reading about all the things they avoid eating makes me hungry for just those foods – carbs, candy, yum! Although I’d love to look like one of those models, I just don’t need it enough to make it happen. Oh, well. At least I enjoy my chocolate fixes when I get them. 😀

  • 7. Anonymously Secret  |  July 9, 2009 at 9:31 am

    I am skinny enough but sadly I am lacking in the height department. Thank you for the jump rope tip lol!

    Excellent post. Inspired me to post about my ‘alledgedly anorexic and bumilic’ problem.

  • 8. sekanblogger  |  July 9, 2009 at 4:26 pm

    Damn, that post was as long as an Ayn Rand novel.
    Great scenery on the trip though!


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