Being Yourself

July 11, 2009 at 4:29 pm 3 comments

“Don’t worry. Just be yourself.”

314540734_5579a8bd22These words of advice were dispensed to us by our grandparents, our parents, our uncles and aunts, cousins, and sundry other friends. We received them when we signed up for ballet lessons in first grade and decided to quit after 2 weeks of falling over our feet. We heard them when we wanted to fit in with that cool group of girls in middle school who always had the hippest makeup. We received them when we went on our first date with the football player in his last year of high school. And then in college, when we were deciding what to do with the rest of our life, we heard them once again.

It sounds so easy, doesn’t it? All you have to do is be yourself.

By being ourselves, we can find the key to happiness, get the best careers, find the hottest hunks, and get the best tans.

Women’s Health magazine has realized that it is a wonderful thing to be yourself. The tiny little slogan above the magazine title reads, “It’s good to be you.”

According to their mission statement:

Women’s Health is for the woman who wants to reach a healthy, attractive weight but doesn’t equate that with having thighs the size of toothpicks. We know that exercising and eating well will make you happier and stronger (even if after-work runs can really suck). That looking and feeling good have very little to do with cosmetics and high heels (though they can help you feel glamorous on a Saturday night). And that life can be stressful since there’s never enough time, but balance is achievable (with a little help).

This magazine vows to be that help that we need to achieve such a balance. They want to reach out to women in a different way that the other magazines do. They know that we don’t feel that great about ourselves when we read other magazines. We feel inadequate, alone, and a failure.

Unlike the other magazines, Women’s Health doesn’t want us to feel like that.

They sure have an interesting way of doing so. The writers want us to embrace ourselves and love who we are. We should seek to improve ourselves to be the best that we are, complete with six pack abs.

Their philosophy in a nutshell is WORK. Just plain hard work to be your perfect Self, as this magazine cover from 2007 reveals.

But that was then. This is now. Hasn’t things changed?

Not much, except that the cover models are now printed in color.

Here’s a fairly recent cover.

All the ladies on the cover are blonde models with six pack abs, flawless skin, and the “perfect” body. Replace the cosmetics and high heels with a bikini and a flawless tan. Balance is achievable with a little help. Just get your own fitness trainer and personal gym installed in your home and you’re all set. Exercise and eating well will make you happier and stronger, after all. While your thighs will not be the size of toothpicks, they will still be slender and muscular. A healthy and attractive weight is amazingly skinny like black and white cover model up there or colorful Elisha Cuthbert in her skin baring tank.

Apparently this magazine is devoted on helping you become the best of yourself, through dieting, fitness, sex, and makeup. Who could ask for anything better?

So what does being yourself entail?

1. Slim down secrets! Leaner legs, flatter butt. The ideal You is slim and lovely, with a tight butt gained through 10 minutes of rigorous exercise with said hunky personal trainer. Exercise can help you get the most of out life with your ideal Self. This is why a home gym is important.

This ideal You also burns fat efficiently.

And blasts cellulite away with the touch of the mighty Exercise Ball.

Lilys Exercise Ball by Christina Welsh (Rin).

Picture from Christina Welsh.

2. Cheat-proof his love! The ideal You knows how to love, and love well. The ideal You, with the help of a magazine, can cheat-proof your man’s love by following several steps. I wonder if one them involves keeping him on a leash. My personal advice to you is to kill him. That way his love will be cheat-proof — forever.

Another way to a man’s heart is through sex. There are five amazing sex secrets that will be guaranteed to make him never want to leave you. Followed by tips to have more fun in bed, followed by the six sex secrets he’s hiding for you, and more.

3. More money, less stress. This combination is ideal. By getting more money, the ideal You will have less stress. So start raking in the big butts, lady! This magazine has advice on how to be Yourself in such a way that you earn more money, get the raise, and save more. Including free things to spend your time doing at night. Your wonderful self can gain the looks to land the perfect job! Botox and breast implants optional.

Bikinis are the cause of much stress. More money can give you less stress, but so can a good bikini put upon a toned body.

It’s a truth universally acknowledged, that a woman in possession of a toned body must be in want of a bikini.

4. Sexy beauty! You are a sexy beauty. I see it in your ideal future. Turn heads with this magazine’s tricks and tips! The ideal You is a sexy beauty. And if you’re not a sexy beauty, that means that you are not your ideal Self. You must also look great naked. Zoe Saldana does.

5. Energy. The ideal You has boundless energy, reached by 10 quick energy tricks that work, which of course goes with the AM trick that works every time.

6. No blemishes. The ideal You has a beauty regime that blasts away all those acne.

It’s not easy being you. That’s why the magazines can help you be your ideal Self with about 2,145 all new useful tips (that are of course, recycled from two years ago) to reach that state of being a wonderful You.

Women’s Health’s JanFeb 2009 cover

Have fun and remember to be yourself!

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3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Dennis the Vizsla  |  July 11, 2009 at 5:13 pm

    It’s spelled “Women’s Health” but it’s pronounced “Cosmopolitan” …

    Reply
  • 2. bschooled  |  July 11, 2009 at 5:40 pm

    If it wasn’t for this magazine’s tips and tricks–and the fact that thanks to my redundant job I have the 24 hours a day required in order to follow them–hundreds of poor heads would remain unturned.

    I love your blog, I’ve been reading it for a while now.

    Reply
  • 3. alantru  |  July 13, 2009 at 12:52 am

    So.. Be yourself but look sexy fabulous with no blemishes and lots of energy …? Okay. Can do!

    But first I need to lie down. Hopefully I’ll do it in a sexy fabulous blemish free manner.

    😉

    Reply

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