How to be Happy: Cosmo style! Part I
So far we’ve looked at Oprah’s ways to be happy, which told us to disregard our dirty bathrooms to be happy. Then we looked at Real Simple, which then urged us to please regard our dirty bathrooms to gain happiness. Glamour came along and told us to run around naked. Then Marie Claire ran after us, urging us to please move to Sweden for our only chance at happiness (which somehow equated to our boyfriends pushing baby buggies while we worked as a famous and beautiful and glamourous editor at some prestigious magazine). Thoroughly confused, we flipped through the latest edition of Cosmopolitan and found…
… and found…
You’re just dying from the suspense, aren’t you?
Anything from Cosmopolitan would probably include doing something with a nekkid man and an ice cube. They have some pretty interesting ideas of happiness. Like spending a whole month with not one, not two, but three… fill in the blank. That’s what you’d expect of them, right? They’re known for their sex tips above anything else, after all.
Take a look at the list of most popular topics:
Despite this, they are still viewed by many as an expert on true happiness.
True happiness has three options, as it turns out.
Who says the road to nirvana is lined with megabucks and designer handbags? Experts are now discovering it’s the little (and often free!) things that lead to true happiness — like these bliss boosters.
Only this magazine would use words like “bliss booster.” Notice the alliteration. It’s eye-catching and made to make you feel like these tips are so credible… right. And who’s the one who’s talking about designer handbags all the time, anyway? *coff coff*
True joy — not quickie mood boosts but that totally stoked mental state — boils down to these surprising essentials. Behold, your ticket to bliss.
And lo, the magazine article was published online, and declaimed …
Note the word “quickie.” Just do it. Now think of what people use the word “quickie” for.
Yes, that’s right.
You could get Botox for those frown lines… or try these surprisingly simple moves that will keep a perma-smile on your face.
Everything, according to Cosmo, is simple. Surprisingly simple moves to hot sex. Surprisingly simple ways to get married, after the hot sex. The writers seem to live perpetually surprised at the simplicity of life. For instance, some people believe that happiness is a road that takes long to travel on. No, says Cosmo. That is not true. Instead, you take 24 shortcuts and detours, and get to your destination (the land of happiness) in a much shorter time.
So we will look at these topics, but one at a time. Simply because Cosmopolitan is such an expert at happiness that they have more tips than any of the other magazines.
We’ll start with the cheap and easy ways to get happy. In this sucky economy, we women jump at the word “cheap.” We want to have fun and be happy, but we have no money. We either find ourselves scrimping and saving, or forgoing happiness entirely. We gaze at the expensive handbags in Cosmopolitan and Glamour, and envy the happy models holding the expensive handbags. And we are not happy.
But no longer. For Cosmopolitan itself has cheap and easy ways to become happy. They have good news for us! They dragged out the information from the psychology people and published them for our benefit! I’m thinking torture, with a rack and perhaps confiscation of a few favorite pieces of cosmetics. Or designer handbags.
One of their get happy quickly and cheaply tricks involves a cheap sunflower. It looks like a person (AHHHHH!!!!) and has associations with the sun (DUH) and the colors of its petals make people feel happy.
Unlike most people, I get creeped out by things that look like people. Does my dog look like a person? AHHHH!!!! Does my flower look like a person? AHHHHH!!!!
Instead of feeling happiness, I would run the other direction.
You can also feel happy when you eat. Contrary to popular notion, food is good. It has the power to make you feel happy. So to eat with a big smile on your face, choose a white plate.
Yes, a white plate. White plates are proven to make food taste better by making you feel happier. Didn’t you know that?
Rainbows make you feel happy, too. So choose food with a variety of colors. Skittles are great. They make me feel happy, and they come in every color of the rainbow. I also especially love gummy bears. Those come in different colors. However, they come mostly in red, which has been proven to make you want to eat more. Skittles and gummy bears may not be exactly healthy, but they make you feel happy.
You could always say “no” as well. Do you know why toddlers are so fond of saying “no”? Because it feels so good! That’s why teenagers say no a lot as well. Because saying the word “no” gives us the the feeling that we have power. Power over our future, our destiny, and the big person called “mommy” who’s trying to tell us what to do.
Practice. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
Or what about lighting a scented candle for no reason? Sources recommend lighting a scented candle for “entertaining and hookups.” *coff coff* But because you are so amazing and worth it, you should light a scented candle not for the hot hookup or your friends or your five course dinner, but for YOU and YOU alone. Try lavender of green apple. Those have been proven through much research and much lighting of scented candles to make people happy.
You could also forget the dirty bathroom. Come on, there’s something to this here. Oprah says it. So does Cosmo. They tell us to let that laundry slide for a weekend. Instead, read a good book (code: trashy romance novel).
Or paint the house. Colors like blue and green are ideal. Yellow is cool if you want to feel cheery, though I heard from an interior designer friend that people get really angry in yellow rooms. Yellow is just like that.
Finally, drink some beer. Guzzle it down. It helps you rehydrate and prevents muscle pain.
Who knew? Beer can “help” people get past difficult times. But who knew that it could also help your muscles?
So those are your cheap and easy ways to become happy. We’ve learned about the benefits of saying “no,” the benefits of using scented candles for other things than hookups, nice sunflowers that look like people, and beer.
If anything, you now have an excuse for drinking beer.
Stay tuned for the seven secrets to happiness!