Archive for August, 2009

Announcement: hiatus

Hey readers!

My blog will be on hiatus for a brief time. Next week, I am going on vacation for a few days to Acadia National Park. It’s a beautiful place, and I’m long overdue for a vacation. I mean a vacation where you actually go somewhere else, far away from home, and do stuff. Though I will not have a hunky man slathering oil on me while I get the perfect tan, I will be doing a lot of hiking and postcard buying and seashell collecting and that sort of thing. I will have no internet connection during that time, so no blog reading for a few days. After that vacation, I will be busy preparing for college — packing, last minute buying, and that sort of thing — so most likely this blog will not have anything up until I start college September 2. Wish me luck.

I will continue to read your blogs after I get back from vacation. Don’t fear, I have been working on a few things regarding this blog, and there will definitely be new posts up later! Stay tuned! I promise you they’ll be hilarious.

Meanwhile, please stay safe, and take care of your Man Pets!

Have a good rest of the summer!

–The perfect lady

PS: follow me on twitter: theperfectlady

PSS: Here are some pictures of the place I’m going. I did not take them, but various people on Flickr did. Used with permission.

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(I’ve actually been here before. It is an awesome place to walk as it’s right next to a lake.)

August 8, 2009 at 1:04 pm 10 comments

The Man of Your Dreams: Coming up this Summer!

Glamour recently blogged about 15 ways to meet the man of our dreams this summer.

I clicked the link, hoping for sage advice and tried and true wisdom.

Imagine my disappointment when I saw a short paragraph that only listed one way to meet the man of our dreams.

*sigh*

In the sentence after that short paragraph, the blogger linked to an awesome slideshow of 10 more ways to meet men. Then she quickly listed another four ways to meet men in yet another short sentence:

Plus, four more ways: Go to a coffee shop at 8 a.m., carry a conversation piece, start a movie night and email all your friends.

I suppose that counts as 15 ways. Way to go, blogger. Get all our hopes up with the title, then show us one measly little way, and then link to 14 other ways that someone else wrote about. Now we have to go click click click through the website to get to read about all the different ways there are to meet the man of our dreams. Grumble grumble.

Grumble.

47265805_46efb20c5fBut all that aside, maybe there’s some merit to what she’s saying. But what’s she saying?

Here are the first seven ways to meet the man of your dreams.

Way 1: Host an outdoor summer picnic. You can make it obvious that you just want to pick up a guy by inviting all your very best girl friends and instructing them to bring their cute single guy friends AND their male friends so you can give them the once-over. Cover this up by saying, “The more [single guys] the merrier!” This picnic is not complete without PBJ sandwiches and juice boxes. Or hula hoops. Or bubbles. Or frisbees. Or water balloons and egg spoons. Bring out your inner goofball!

But why?

The key is to break the ice, so you can really connect with the guys.

Which, loosely translated, means “act like a desperate idiot so the guys will look at you all the time.”

It’s all in the name of Love.

Everyone will loosen up, laugh and have an awesome time — and you just might make a love connection!

3229744082_8e4e0f900aThen I went to the slideshow of Ten Best Ways to meet the Guy of your Dreams. Yup. And I had to do some sleuthing around because the blogger messed up when she linked to it. Boo.

Way 2: Shop your friends’ friends. This involves some casual but crafty Facebook shopping. “Combine your love of online shopping with the best way to meet great guys.” You can play a cute game called “I Spy a Cute Guy.” Simply stated, look for some who is cute but also single. If his profile is private, and all Facebook profiles are typically private unless they’re that desperate, check with your friend. “Teehee, can you introduce me to him?” *insert vacuous giggling* The pressure is supposedly off because Facebook isn’t an online dating site (but now it is, since you made it so). Know each other as friends and go from there.

There’s a slight risk that your girl friends will know you as the “gal who asks about all their single Facebook guy friends.” But that shouldn’t matter in the quest for love. At all.

Way 3: Brush up on the news. Gather information. This isn’t to impress guys, though they do like smart girls. This is for your own good. No, really. Try to at least appear smart for goodness’ sake. This includes making CNN your home page on the internet (so when you happen to casually browse the web in front of a cute guy…) and subscribing to a magazine called The Week which takes each week’s news stories and makes them fascinating “talking points.” You can start a conversation with just about ANYONE. Guaranteed. Yup.

697493041_61ab8b8a45Way 4: Send a love-sparking tweet. All good women should have a Twitter account. For not only is it a wonderful way to know what’s going on in the world, it is a wonderful way to strike up a romance that will last your life. I use it to talk to myself, but that’s a different story altogether.

Send a tweet on Friday afternoon that you’re meeting friends at your favorite pub for a spontaneous happy hour… tell your “followers” to bring their friends. You’re bound to meet new people, and even if they’re not single, they might know someone to fix you up with later.

This will work perfectly for me, because all my followers are not from my state or my hometown, with the exception of a female blogger and one guy I’m well acquainted with. In fact, most of them are the nicest sort. They’re creepy stalker people who like seeing videos of Britney Spears naked.

119531609_8d3190bfe3Way 5: Spend some quality time alone. <insert picture of happy, beautiful woman staring dreamily out a window at a restaurant> Spending time by yourself is a good way to meet some wonderful guy. The key is looking happy and content.

I’ve heard that thinking happy thoughts will help. That or practicing a fake happy smile.

Here’s another way why it works. Packs of women scare men. Really.

And I’m sure that guys will notice the woman at the restaurant who always sits, dreamily gazing out of the window, with a happy smile with much promise of romance and love. Day after day after day after day. It is so normal, and totally not weird.

Way 6: Just say yes. Accept those invites to the parties you don’t want to go to. And even if the weird old guy at the party you met asks you out, do NOT say no. For all you know, he may be the one, even though he smells like the inside of a garbage can. Remember all those women who met their true love, thought he wasn’t cool, but fell in love with him and ended up marrying him? “He just may surprise you.”

You’ll be surprised. Yes, you will.

3200570499_420713a136Way 7: Recycle the single guys you know. A single woman is nothing if not a recycling plant. Men are nothing if not bottles that go through the recycling plants we and our very best girl friends run. You know that guy who was nice but so totally not right for you. Host a get together and bring you extra bottles, um, guys around so your friends can meet them. Then watch the sparks fly.

But you have to set a one-single-guy minimum. “Spread the wealth!”

To summarize, practice your “I’m an idiot” skillz, your Facebook shopping skills, brush up on your news, use Twitter to meet cute guys and not just to talk to yourself, and spend plenty of time staring dreamily out of windows in restaurants.

Finally, don’t forget to say yes next time weird guy next door asks you out, and remember that you are a recycling plant.

Stay tuned with the next eight ways to meet the man of your dreams this summer!

August 5, 2009 at 12:03 pm 7 comments

How to be happy: Cosmo style! Part 3

If the cheap and easy ways to be happy and the Seven Secrets to happiness weren’t enough, you can now have 24 shortcuts to a happy life. You don’t have to take the long way around, thanks to these rules. You can just take 24 wonderful shortcuts and get there much faster.

Maybe before you read lots of magazines (Cosmopolitan is a good example) that told us that we could become happy by trying a new life-changing eye cream (the writer there has been searching for the One, meaning the perfect eye cream), finding true love with the hunky lifeguard person, or getting the perfect job (note: I searched for “dream job” on the website, and most of the stuff I got were shirtless bachelor pictures). Some even told us that we could find happiness by moving to Sweden, of all places. (WOOHOO! Men pushing baby buggies!)

2771481569_efd4a0ae95But contrary to what they say, those things — true love, eye creams, and dream jobs — are not what true happiness is all about. True happiness, instead, is about 24 easy little shortcuts. In fact, Cosmopolitan, to quote, has “unearthed piles of research on the power of positivity to show you just how easy it is to put yourself on cloud nine in an instant.” Knowing people in general, it’s generally understood that people love instant stuff.

Instant coffee is pretty awesome. So is the tea that you just put in a cup of hot water for a few minutes. We love instant. Maybe that’s why the idea of getting something good instantly appeals to us.

Or maybe it appeals to that part of us that is tempted to steal the free ketchup packets at McDonalds.

Since there are 24, I will not be able to go into them at much detail. However, I shall do my best. Do notice that there are 24. These 24 correspond to the hours in a day. If you try to do one an hour, you will be in Happiness Land on a day.

Don’t believe everything you think. Like when your inner voice (no, not the same voice as Oprah’s inner voices, though it could well be the same. I don’t know) starts blabbering about how much of a fatty you are. You might be a fatty, and then again you might not.

462395183_656afdaa27Quit spying on yourself during sex. Just… don’t. I don’t have anything else to say.

C0py the catwalk. If you walk like a model, you’ll be happy. It’s proven. Think like a runway goddess. By the way, in my church there’s a family where the women walk like models. The mother wears very tight clothes so that it seems like she’s wearing a corset. I’ve concluded that she doesn’t know how to breathe anymore. But anyway, she and her daughters walk like models. The sway of the hips, and the foot in front of the other.

Cosmopolitan says that this way of walking is the reason that Gisele Bundchen is so happy. Not because she’s rich or because she has such a beautiful body.

You know, runway models look so darn happy all the time. I’ve always wondered why. Now I know.

Pad your time. Don’t run late. Not only will you be happy, but so will others, too. Like your date who’s been waiting at the restaurant for the past hour.

Get engaged. Not the wedding bells way, but rather getting really absorbed in something. Like a raunchy romance novel. Those things are easy to get absorbed in, or so I’ve heard. True to form, Cosmopolitan does say mention that thumbing through their latest issue is very absorbing and thus happiness inducing. I wouldn’t know. When becoming absorbed in a project, example being thumbing through Cosmopolitan, you boost your sense of competence and well-being. Yay! Another excuse to read that magazine.

2784838186_6ae8146c43Grin, even if you don’t feel like it. Remember the forced grins? Apparently some of you commented saying that you wished it worked for weight loss. Sorry, ladies (and guys), it doesn’t. Though I understand why you think it should work.

Go out on a school night. I wouldn’t know because I like to stay home on school nights, but people have shown the blahs staying alone by themselves. Sometimes it’s great to just go out to a bar and get picked up by a random guy…

Shorten your “I wish I’d…” list. No objections.

RSVP “no” to invites that feel like obligations. You don’t like them, you don’t even know them, and you don’t even speak to them. Believe me, they did it out of obligation as well, to be nice, and they’ll be all over themselves once they see the “no” on the RSVP card.

Paint a wall, rearrange your furniture, or take the curtains off of your windows. WHAT THE HECK? What kind of phrase is “off of”? My grammar book says it’s VERY WRONG. *mutter* But yes, this is why I have so many bumps and bruises. And this is also why you hear lots of banging when I’m in a bad mood. And also why my house looks like a wreck.

Listen to elevator music. … ok.

437210611_6dca8b1cfeOwn your screwups. Again… claim some responsibility here. It’s not the evil forces’ fault. It was yours for not reading the sign that said “cars parked here after so and so will be towed at owner’s expense.” Though if you do live in the city of Boston, I can’t help you here. Sorry.

Dump your diet. Screw Cosmopolitan! Screw Glamour! REBEL!!!

Always have something to look forward to. Dinner reservations. Blind dates. Concert tickets. What would make me happy is music. So I buy music CDs. It’s fun waiting for them to come, especially if they ship from Britain and take a couple of weeks to come. Right now I’m waiting for a Switchfoot CD and a Casting Crowns’ Lifesong CD.

Blow off a grudge. I think this is the smartest thing Cosmo has said, since… since… I don’t know. I didn’t think they had it in them. But you know, bad energy and all that. Karma. Whatsitcalled.

Get dirty. Go back, back to your days of being a toddler playing in dog doo… back to the nostalgia of feeling the happiness of the poo sliding through your fingers, before the big ones came and snatched you away with a loud voice. You cried. But you can still go back to those days.

Line your favorite and famously uncomfortable stilettos with moleskin. Huh? (By the way, I intended to put a picture of someone’s high heels over here, but WordPress was being annoying and wouldn’t show it. Stupid wordpress, sometimes.)

Create a ritual. Because life is just so unpredictable, we need an oasis in the desert, an island in the midst of the roiling oceans of life. It keeps you grounded. And makes you happy. I’m not sure how, but hey…

Don’t flake out. You probably know the girl who always cancels at the last minute. Don’t be like her. You will become friendless, lonely, and possibly die single. Or become one of those crazy women with cats. It’s nice to cancel once in a while (like in the case of saying no to obligations you really don’t want to attend) but not all the time.

Perform a bad-mood intervention on yourself. Out! Out, you demons of PMS! It says that covering your eyes help a lot. So does deep sighing.

Treat yourself to a massage. There’s nothing like the feeling of skin-to-skin contact. Really. It sends happy signals to your brain. Touch is awesome. So much that there’s a Touch Research Institute somewhere in Miami.

Visit O-Town today. Not Oprah town. The other one. Open the floodgates of … um…

Then think LSD...

Then think LSD...

Try color therapy! With Sesame Street! Cosmopolitan tells us that there are four certain colors that provide “major mood-boosting benefits.”

  • Red increases your heart rate. It also makes you want to sleep with anything that’s human, male, and is breathing.
  • Orange will give you energy. “It’s the Energizer Bunny of brights.”
  • Yellow can relieve depression and make your memory better, so you can think about all the bad times that you’ve had before.
  • Green is soothing. Especially mint green. You’ll be too relaxed to think about how horrible your life is.

Remember these colors for the next time you’re in a bad mood and are tired of rearranging the furniture. You can always buy a bucket of paint and redo all the walls by yourself.

In closing, Cosmopolitan has helpfully provided the five symptoms that show that you really need to start following all 24 shortcuts. In fact, if you find yourself thinking HALP or OMG or a variation of any of those, and you most likely will, you have to start using those shortcuts NOW.

  1. 954585106_a454a5126cThe sight of a kissy-feely couple makes you physically ill. Physically ill meaning that you want to throw up. Your stomach feels bad, and you are deeply regretting that bag of colorful (yet happy inducing) Skittles you ate for lunch. This might be a sign that you need a man and have been lonely too long.
  2. The only time you’re in touch with Mother Nature is when you’re walking to your car. I have no idea what this means. It probably has something to do with the wonderfully fresh city air. Or something.
  3. When a coworker asks “Is somebody having a bad day?” you actually growl. Or grunt. I grunt. Like a man. Do you?
  4. Your boyfriend gave you a new sweatsuit for your birthday. Because exercise is so totally fun, and there’s no pressure at all. So why do you want to bite his head off? You need a new boyfriend, STAT.
  5. You blow off your girlfriends because you’re too busy… doing a whole lot of nothing. It’s a horrible thing to be busy doing nothing… though that’s kind of an oxymoron.

Do you show any of these symptoms? You are a very diseased individual who needs plenty of help. Start following the 24 shortcuts to happiness right now, before you get any worse.

Have fun! With these 24 shortcuts, you’re guaranteed to be a very happy woman! And maybe you won’t be single anymore!

August 3, 2009 at 11:19 am 3 comments


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