Posts tagged ‘girls’

How to be Happy: Cosmo Style! Part 2

Here’s the second part to our Cosmopolitan series about finding happiness. It may be hard to believe that this magazine is an expert to happiness, but yes, they are. They have taught us cheap and easy ways to become happy, involving scented candles and stuff like that. With more of their “secrets” to happiness, you’re bound to become one of the happiest people around.

Here are seven MORE secrets to happiness out of maybe 1000. They claim that these secrets will lead you to true joy, not quickie mood boosts. True happiness that will make you feel blissful forever and after.

Cosmopolitan concedes that no matter how much evidence they may cite to the contrary, happiness is not about things. Happiness isn’t about designer handbags or designer dresses or designer boyfriends. But what’s happiness? What’s the ticket to bliss? What’s the road to enlightenment and happy land?

Well, the first item is a hilarious group of friendos, as Sarah Haskins would say. Cosmopolitan calls it a “solid core group of friends” which does sound rather sedate and sensible. However, we know what they really mean.

Sex_and_the_city_movieSex and the City.

And indeed, that is what the writer of this article says.

Look at Carrie from Sex and the City. Through everything from Post-it Note breakups to snapped stilettos, she is generally one happy camper. Why? She has her posse.

If you have a bunch of hilarious girl friends just like Carrie in Sex and the City, you will be able to live through such trauma as snapped stilettos and men who are jerk enough to break up with you with a post-it note. Even Taylor Swift’s break up with Joe Jonas over the phone on her birthday couldn’t compare to that. Let’s hope that the country music star had a group of friendos, besides Abigail.

As a matter of fact, I do have my hilarious group of friendos. There’s A, J, P, and me. We lived through my very traumatic non break up with a guy I never dated. None of my nonexistent stilettos snapped, but I offered to “break in” J’s black pumps.

To nurture this wonderful group of giggling girl friends, you need to be open and spill all your secrets. Gossip helps girls bond. An expert tells the magazine that we could spill our secret desires to audition for American Idol. Which I don’t want to do. I have spilled many secrets with my friends, and miraculously, my secrets ended up being spilled to people I didn’t even know. But it’s all in the interests of establishing openness!

2440355239_58696d6965Next, try to have some adventures. No, it was NOT the time (I quote) that you studied really really hard and got an A minus. That is not an adventure. Yawn. Like the naughty things you did with your professor. Now that’s an adventure.

[Insert profound quote by Ph. D. author of profound book.]



When they say adventure, it doesn’t mean running away and climbing mountains, unless you bring a hot but totally random guy with you. It means wearing extraslinky minidresses. Why not go ahead and walk around naked? That’s adventurous. It also means doing stuff with your professor or lab assistant or boss.

Oh, and doing the right thing doesn’t lead to happiness. Apparently. So remember that the next time you want to be all good and do the right thing.

Don’t forget to throw away stuff you don’t really need. It’s a well known fact that we women have trouble throwing away stuff we really don’t need. Our closets are filled with clothes that don’t fit us and haven’t fit us for years. (And, I might add, will never fit us again.)

3530904537_52159ffb80The moment you see something you haven’t pined over for at least six months, immediately throw it out. Otherwise you’ll get all weepy. “I wore this sweater when I went on a date with my first boyfriend… he was such a jerk…”

There are a couple of glowsticks in my desk drawer. *sniffle* They belonged to this guy I liked but who didn’t like me… years ago… when I was 12. I’ve kept them ever since. He was cute, and had nice arms. And he always dressed well even though he looked like Curious George from the popular Sunday morning cartoon.


Excuse me while I get some tissues.

You can also weep over the artifacts with you group of best friendos.

Have a balance of busy and dead times. That means you have to have a time to be busy, and a time to be dead. Just kidding. They did say that you have to pee time. So remember to take those breaks to go pee! All those holding stuff in is not good for your bladder. Take it from one who knows. Oh, was that too much info? I’m sorry.

2676870605_7246d1dc19But sitting on the couch idling your time away watching Lifetime is bad for you too. You know the toll that can take on your figure. You must have a mix of zipping around but you must take the pee breaks in front of the TV watching lifetime. Cosmopolitan says to fill your days with stuff you love and stuff you have to do like going to the bathroom. You can also meditate (the writer states that you don’t HAVE to lie in the dark chanting om for ten hours) but you can take eight minutes to chant all your om‘s.

I started and by 4 minutes I was chanting “nom nom nom.”

This may surprise many, but the other ticket to happiness involves giving in to temptation.

We as women are taught not to give in to temptation. We prayed at night before bedtime not to be led into temptation “but deliver us from the evil one.” However, as we aged into the teenage years, we started to learn that temptation was cool and hot. Drugs? Fast cars? Yeah, baby. Hot sparkly vampire guys that are forbidden to us? Bring it ON. Then of course we left that stage. We grew up. Temptation wasn’t so cool anymore. Right now, our lives are mundane and boring. The vampires of our youth aren’t even there to break things up.

You log overtime at work, hit the gym religiously, stick to a low-fat, no-fun diet, and even remember birthdays. Or maybe you aren’t quite so type A. But you still get to work on time, kiss your boss’s a** when you’d rather kick it, and play nice to your folks. Face it, making it in this world takes some serious discipline, regardless of your personality profile.

1066580415_552e34b1ffAnd face it, my lady friends (and some of you guys out there), logging overtime at work and going to the gym and dieting and remembering birthdays and getting to work on time and playing nice with the family is BORING.


We face a lot of pressure keeping up. Even though Facebook does its best to help us remember birthdays, we still have to write the facebook messages on our friends’ walls. We have to be nice to our boss when he is mean and sexist and a bunch of other things. (Add to that the fact that he’s not the adventurous type, if you get my drift. See the second way to be happy.)

The solution? You must indulge. That means balancing out “cheap and easy ways to be happy” with expensive and gourmet. Buy gourmet sandwiches for lunch instead of that old leftovers from home. Surf Facebook and procrastinate instead of replying to your email. Be nice to yourself. Get rid of boredom and say hello to indulgence!

You must also like yourself. Remember the time when you forgot someone’s name and introduced him as Bill instead of Bob? And then you beat yourself up. You must like yourself. That means no beating yourself over the head when you stammer in front of the cute guy and then proceed to dump your drink down your front. Such things happen. They are a normal part of life. You must remember to like yourself through all parts of life, and not just the unembarrassing ones.

544626273_3dd7448cf7Excuse me while I go beat my head on the wall for spilling my drink over his front instead of mine.

You can also stop bashing yourself in the head for the slight crook in your nose.

Don’t browse mentally. You know you do it. Like when you’re shopping and wondering whether to go for the Simply Seductive perfume or Brazenly Beautiful perfume. You get the Brazenly Beautiful for the date, then decide that maybe Simply Seductive was better. Even worse, you go home wondering whether it was Brazenly Beautiful’s fault that you didn’t have a good time.

We women do it at restaurants. I sit at the seat wondering whether I should go for the soup, or the tilapia, or both; and then feel like a pig when I get both. Or I get only the soup and my stomach becomes all nasty on me when I drive home.

And when choosing a partner.  Sometimes our choices are restricted to Hot Guy or Hot Guy? Hot Guy or Hot Guy? Sometimes it’s merely Plain Guy or Plain Guy. But that’s all beside the point, because what we’re doing is wrong and we should STOP. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars.

3702617969_f2ed6a2039You don’t realize that you’re just making yourself unhappy. Make a decision and stick with it. It doesn’t matter whether you use Simply Seductive or Brazenly Beautiful. Despite what Cosmopolitan and other magazines may have to say about the subject *coff coff* of getting a certain kind of food rather than another, it really doesn’t matter.

In fact, Cosmo encourages us to choose two characteristics that are important to you that distinguish Hot Guy from Hot Guy. Ask yourself if they’re being met. Then go for it. “Relax. You’ve made the right choice… or at least one that’s going to make you happy.”

I dare you to go to any women’s magazines website and google the words “perfume” or “hot guys” or  “makeup.” And read what they say. Chances are you already know what they say.

So in this lesson, we’ve learned about the Seven Ways to buy a ticket to happiness. Using these steps, you will not only buy a ticket, but will also get onto the Happiness Train to the land of Happiness where everyone eats ice cream and doesn’t get fat. Remember to get a group of hilarious friendos ala Sex and the City, throw away stuff you don’t need, don’t browse mentally between two different kinds of perfume or two hot guys, and remember to say om om om for eight minutes.

It’s all about your happiness, remember?


July 31, 2009 at 7:57 am 1 comment

The Perfect Bride for Red Loincloth

The woman most likely to fall for the forceful embraces of your typical Stout Heart/Strong Wind/Red Loincloth is a redhead.

It seems that over the years, red hair has come to be a sign of strength, loveliness, strong-willedness, and more.

dva0539I only wondered when the umpteenth romance novel I read had a heroine of red hair. It was some Christian romance. Called The Knight and the Dove. The main character, Megan, was strong-willed, brave, spirited, and more than a little stupid in zee head. She, of course, had red hair. Beautiful red hair.

And then there was the Westernish romance about a woman who was falling in love with some dude who was supposed to protect her. It was the typical strong-willed/brave/spirited heroine in the wilderness who needs a man to protect her innocent soul. I forget the title now that I think about it. But I remember that she had RED HAIR. Beautiful curly red hair.


And was more than a little stupid in zee head.

And my favorite redhead, Mara Jade Skywalker from the Star wars books by Timothy Zahn, was strong-willed, tough, spirited, and beautiful. But she was NOT stupid in zee head. She was one of my favorite characters in the whole Star Wars series: ever. She could fight, she was strong, and she did not cling to a man. Jade was the perfect woman for Luke Skywalker.

She was fierce, loyal, stubborn, and wielded a blaster like no other.

The picture on the right is one of my favorite pictures of her.

I was sad when she died.

But where did the redhead = strong willed/spirited/more than a little stupid in zee head trend start?

Cassie Edwards, who writes mostly Native American romances, has shown this trend multiple times. Her heroines are strong-willed, lovely, innocent, and have red hair.

Some of them act a little stupid in zee head, but since I haven’t read them for myself I can only ask my friends here to review a couple for me. Sarah and Candy have reviewed Savage Moon. The heroine here is more than a little stupid. But yeah.

The award-winning Savage series is set on the untamed frontier, where rugged warriors share tantalizingly sensual adventures with young and innocent heroines.

Perhaps with a Savage Surrender in the year of 1987.


The heroine, Brenda, has very vivid red hair. In fact, it’s so red as to look a little like one of those theatre curtains.

Strong-willed Brenda has escaped her family’s murderers, only to have her anguish and fury challenged by the wilderness. Her only hope for survival lay in the forceful arms of an Ojibwa warrior–the kind of man Brenda had been raised to fear.

It takes a strong woman to escape murderers, and rush into the wilderness. However, her spirit is not enough for the challenge, as she is yet young and innocent. She needs a man. What better man than an Ojibwa warrior person? With forceful arms? Was his name Forceful Arms?

One year later, a Savage Eden was released.


The heroine, beautiful Pamela, has red hair as well. She is also quite strong-willed and spirited. You need those qualities to challenge social constraints and have a “forbidden” romance with some guy named Strong Bear. She also wears puffy blue dresses that are pulled down with gravity.

Which leads us to Savage Bliss.

book cover of   Savage Bliss    (Savage Secrets, book 5)  by  Cassie Edwards

Entranced by her beloved and virile Gray Wing, Amelia is torn away by her family from her proud and magnificent Susquamish chief and taken to a an exotic shore, far from his touch but her hidden longings cannot be denied when he claims her as his forever.

Oh mulleted warrior with a headband, my heart is thine.

Says the blissful redhead in the photo.

Then there’s Wild Embrace which I talked about in the last post. I don’ t want to put the title here because, because, because it’s just so… scandalous…

For years, Cassie Edwards has been satisfying her fans with authentic tales of bold beauties, exotic braves and the untamed wilderness. Now the author of Wild Rapture captures a lost age of romance when Seattle was a rough frontier. Flame-haired Elizabeth is abducted by the noble Indian brave Strong Heart, who shows her freedom and passion the wilds can ignite.

She does have red hair. It’s sort of a maroonish color though. With pink highlights.

The next title shows you the power of brilliant red hair.

Savage Embers probably refers to the brilliant red hair of the heroine in this tale.

book cover of   Savage Embers    (Savage, book 9)  by  Cassie Edwards

After setting his eyes on Maggie, a scarlet-haired beauty, Falcon Hawk, a mighty Arapaho chieftain, is determined to protect her from her fiercest enemy.

One look at her scarlet hair, and Falcon Hawk (by the way, his parents couldn’t figure out what to name him so they took their two favorite birds and put them together. That’s why I will name my baby Broccoli Cabbage), his chest jutting out majestically, is determined to protect her from anything that might come by her way.

Not only can red hair mean that you are strong willed, brave, spirited, and maybe a little stupid. It also means that you will be protected from all dangers.

Breaking away from the Savageness of these titles, Cassie Edwards goes for the Wildness in the year of 1994. I won’t give you the title because it has a boring picture of a guy with closed eyes and a blank look, but here is the plot synopsis.

Railroader’s daughter Stephanie Helton and the tall, darkly-sensual Runner, adopted by the Navajo as a child and now destined to be their leader, were sworn enemies. But he drank deeply of the copper-haired, grey-eyed beauty’s forbidden kisses, and surrendered to the savage desire of their love.

‘Nuff said.

Apparently red hair can make grown men slaves to desire.

book cover of   Savage Spirit    (Savage, book 1)  by  Cassie Edwards

In the book Savage Spirit, written in the same year, Chief Cloud Eagle falls under the spell of red hair.

In Savage Spirit, Chief Cloud Eagle has tamed the wild beasts of his land, yet one glimpse of the flame-haired Alicia makes him a slave to desire.

Flame/copper hair is untamable. Sorry, Cloud Eagle. Just look at your Choctaw friend Red Wing.

In Savage Pride/Wild Whispers (yes there are two books with different titles but same story by this lady unless someone got confused):

The mighty Choctaw warrior Red Wing is powerfully drawn to a beautiful red-haired hellcat, Malvina, but it will take more than his caresses to tame her–it will take a love as pure and stunning as her beauty.

Does the woman on the cover of Savage Heat have red hair? I can’t tell. It would explain a lot of things.

book cover of   Savage Heat    (Savage, book 6)  by  Cassie Edwards

Ever since the sweltering summer day when Zoe Hawkins pinned on her father’s tin star, she’d sworn to uphold the law in rough-and-ready Gracemont, Oklahoma. But how could the lovely sheriff maintain order when she couldn’t even subdue her own wayward feelings for the mighty Kiowa chief, White Shadow? Every time he showed up at the jail to bail out his wild young braves, Zoe forgot the oh-so-correct colonel she was supposed to marry, and longed to surrender to forbidden desire.

This woman is amazing. She’s strong, tough, fierce, but at the same time still lovely. However, she has fierce passion.

An Amazon review gave the book one star out of five. (It’s the first one on the list.)

I hardly know where to start with this book. Maybe the fact that the romance felt non-existent? There was no chemistry between the hero and heroine. The author says they’re in love very early on in the book, but the reader never feels it. We also never get to see the “falling in love” part of the story, either. The characters never bother to communicate with each other, just constantly jump to conclusions and get offended all the time.

Another reviewer called it a Savage Mistake. She also described the heroine as a twit.

I read this book when I was new to romance reading and it’s a wonder I kept reading the genre after this. The research is
halfbacked, the plot ridiculous, the heroine a twit, the
hero a jerk….don’t waste your time.

The cover of Savage Grace disturbs me.

book cover of   Savage Grace    (Savage, book 11)  by  Cassie Edwards


In this story, it is a beautiful redhead named Shylee who rescues the mighty Cherokee warrior Standing Wolf, instead of the other way around. Unlike the other books, it received five stars on Amazon.

Savage Devotion involves a beautiful red-haired heroine. And by the cover, you can see that she really has it. Her hair is as red as red can be. Ketchup colored red.

However, the synopsis made me laugh.

book cover of   Savage Devotion    (Savage, book 12)  by  Cassie Edwards

Sailing the deep, clear waters of the Puget Sound, beautiful red-haired Janice Edwards is bound for a new beginning. Leaving behind the wealth and luxury she’s known in San Francisco, she hopes to find a simpler, sweeter life in the towering forests of Tacoma . . . and a man who will love her for who she is, not what she has. But when the steamer Hope is wrecked by a sudden storm, Janice is rescued by a man like none she’s ever known. Tall, with muscular limbs and a powerful chest revealed by his buckskin clothing, he is a Skokomish Indian-from all she’s heard, a savage to be feared. Yet in his gray eyes she sees tender caring, in his strong arms she discovers untold passion, and in his wild heart she will find . . . savage devotion.


Tall, with muscular limbs and a powerful chest revealed by his buckskin clothing…

Sort of makes you wonder if he did it on purpose. I’m kind of worried because their hair is blowing in opposite directions. His hair is blowing to his left, and her hair is blowing out behind her.

This collection would not be complete without Savage Moon.

book cover of   Savage Moon    (Savage, book 15)  by  Cassie Edwards

Misshi Bradley knew two lives. As a settler girl, she’d seen her family die, one by one, on the grueling trail west. Stolen by renegade Indians, she’d grown to womanhood with an Indian family. Now that the Indian maiden she’s become is ready to wed, she longs for only one man, Soaring Hawk, whose golden body and raven hair fill her nights with dreams of passion. She sees in his eyes that he longs to awaken her to womanhood in his arms. But, even as she gives her heart to him, her mind questions the wisdom of her actions. For, if his father destroyed all she held precious so many years ago, how can she trust Soaring Hawk to give her lasting love now?

It’s all about the hair, baby.

Sarah and Candy proclaim that this story SUCKS. Really badly. Horrible writing. Plagiarism.

The girl is spirited, has wild red hair that she dyed black with the stalks of a root called we sha sha. She was so very fond of her life… and is a dimwit.

brain_bleachFrom the review:

Ten years later, when Misshi is conveniently 18 years of age, the book reveals that she’s been miraculously adopted by a neighboring Shoshone tribe and made the adopted daughter of the chief. How this was accomplished, no one knows, least of all me because the book didn’t tell me, but Misshi is a happy, dimwitted dipsh** of a heroine in the Edwards mold, and has dyed her hair black with some random but powerful weed so she can blend in better with the other Shoshone.

Which is all well and good, I suppose.

This is one case in which the plot synopsis is so much better than the book itself. If you check the link, the bloggers include several quotes from the book — the worst ones — with their own commentary. It’s really funny. You’ll either laugh hysterically, like me, or go around searching for brain bleach.

So there you have it. Most of Cassie Edwards’s novels involve tanned, hairless men. They also involve redheaded ladies most of the time. Red hair means that you are strong-willed, fierce, stubborn, and  maybe a little stupid. It also means that a redhead can make a grown man a slave to desire.

At least now we don’t need the random we-sha-sha. We can have red hair that comes out of a bottle.

June 25, 2009 at 11:57 pm 3 comments

Bikini Season

836836178_d9faa8ee67Ahhh… summer. The season that speaks of outdoor barbecues, lemonade, picnics, and sunshine. After a dark, depressing winter in which our skin dried up, we welcome the season of smooth, tanned, glowing skin.

However, summer is also bikini season. We will be spending a lot of time outdoors, soaking up Vitamin D. We will go to the beach multiple times. We will either be swimming, tanning, or hosting that picnic/barbecue/pool party. Most likely in the skimpy little nothings that are all the rage these days.


That means that we women will head to the nearest department store(s) in hopes of getting a bathing suit that will fit properly without having our flab hang out over the edges. This is a nightmare, often resulting in tears of despair and pain. Despair because our tops and bottoms are different sizes, making us buy two swimsuits in two different sizes because the stupid salesclerk won’t let us mix and match. More despair because bikini swimsuits are typically not tummy control. Pain because the darling (tight!) swimsuit makes red lines along our rear and midsections.

41UvBWspHkL._AA280_Fear not! For it is still spring, and you still have time. Time to exercise/crash diet to get your body into perfection, and time to peruse the women’s magazines for advice on which swimsuits to buy which will enhance your shape (i.e., won’t make you look like a donut or a pole).

In this post, we will look at exercise and crash diets. Which crash diets the stars are using to push their bodies into perfection, and which exercise regimes would be the best for us to get into bikini body shape.

What women knows not the struggle of not having the perfect, toned body? As we know, tans, orange or otherwise, don’t look good on flab. Bikinis likewise only look good on skinny ladies. The best thing is that you can get skinny, just like Paris Hilton! As the season approaches, magazines have tips and exercise/diet plans that will get you into that shape within a month. Not only that, the tabloids have inspirational stories of women who tried a certain diet/exercise regime and got the perfect body! If they can do it, you certainly can.

melissa_joan-hartTake Melissa Joan Hart, for instance. As reported by People magazine, the former star of Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, found herself horrified by the unflattering bathing suit pictures of herself at a beach. She thus decided to take matters into her own hands and lose the fat. The actress, who reads discussing blogs about how fat she became, has not stopped doing that. She said, “Everyone still thinks I’m huge.”


Hart, before

But why did such a pretty lady become so fat?How could she let things go like this? Simply stated, pregnancy. She gave birth to two sons. Hart stated that Hollywood put pressure on her to get back in shape after her pregnancies. After all, the public is used to seeing all the other celebrity moms lose all the baby fat within mere weeks after giving birth.

Take women like Nicole Richie. Richie gave birth once. Almost immediately after, she was boney. Real boney.

When Hart did not follow suit, Hollywood was unhappy. And told her so in no uncertain terms.

It took her 14 months, but she did it. Finally. The actress claims that she was inspired by the women in her life, including her own mother Paula. Paula gave birth to seven children “and is tiny!” according to Hart. Hart continued, “I realized I didn’t have to be heavy just because I have kids.” After accepting this flash of insight, she feels amazing, and her life is much better.

It’s amazing what people will do to look good in a bikini.

There’s nothing like a little inspiration.

star-cover-2007_5248For more inspiration, the tabloids start snapping photos of celebrities at the beach. Then they compile all these photos into “best” and “worst” beach bodies. Take this cover as an example.

You will be guaranteed to gasp in horror, gazing at the bodies which failed the test. Cellulite? Oh noes! Flab? Shield your eyes! You will also gasp in awe and admiration, looking at the actresses who did make the cut.

“I wish I had a body like that.”

Correct. You do want a body like the “best” one, and you don’t want a body like the “worst” one. Therefore, you better get yourself in shape, so you can achieve one and not the other.

Just ignore “Owen’s Secret Heartbreak” at the top there.

Now let’s get into the diets themselves.

Glamour has a get-fit trick that is controversial and requires a bikini. The writer states that sometimes we have these cravings. We want chocolate cake, and we want it now. However… do we still want to indulge wearing a bikini? Nah.

If you want to splurge, you have to slip on a bikini or eat in front of the mirror. Weird or effective?

The writer concedes that this really might be a bad idea. It could lead to psychological and emotional issues. This strategy could even lead to an eating disorder. Ugh. No.

31132908_e68cd1420fHowever, she continues by saying that she likes the idea of stripping in front of the mirror to boost self-esteem. Then asks what the readers think of the idea of self-shame in the name of weight loss. The idea is to make you feel guilty for eating something that will make you fat. Wearing a bikini will alert you to this, and make you step away from the food. has more tips to get a bikini body. They tell readers that before they must don their bikini, they must work on their problem areas. These problem areas are the arms, butt, abs, and shoulders. If those parts don’t look good, you won’t look good in a skimpy set of triangles that only cover your private areas. You have to make sure that those parts are toned and muscular. Nutrition is also key, which means that you must not overeat. Eat a sensible diet and WATCH THOSE CALORIES. Watch your portion sizes and drink lots of water to decrease your appetite.

And keep yourself motivated by going to the beach. Leave your swimsuit hanging up in plain view! Or post a picture of yourself looking great on the fridge. There’s a reason that Cathy tapes her bikini to the fridge. The writers again emphasize that only a toned, fit body looks good in a bikini.

But everyone wears bikinis. Your goal is to look good in it. Be worthy of that bikini.


Jennifer Garner

The other source for information is the celebrity trainers themselves. Cosmopolitan has interviewed five celebrity trainers, asking them for their tips on how to get a killer bikini body.

Celebrity trainer Gregg Miele (of Chloe Sevigny) says,

Do cardio first thing in the morning on an empty stomach. Your body will search for an energy source, and since you’ll probably have burned all your carbohydrates overnight, it will tap into fat. You could even have a shot of espresso or cup of black coffee before your workout to further boost your metabolism.

Wow, I’ve never heard of that before. I’ve never heard of Chloe Sevigny, either, but I guess it must work.

Jennifer Garner’s celeb trainer, Valerie Waters, recommends a better diet. She starts off all her clients with a kitchen purge, having them throw out all their processed junk: crackers, white bread, rice, and pasta.

I mean, I don’t know about you. But if I don’t eat my rice, I get cranky. And pasta is like, 50% of my diet.

413954329_4e76925313The important thing to remember is that this is all for a greater cause: the bikini body. If that means that you should give up crackers and pasta, so be it.

Here’s another fairly recent piece of info: Britney Spears is back in bikini-baring shape! As reported by Life and Style magazine, the star hit the beach not too long ago, revealing her beautiful bikini body.

A family insider stated that the 27 year old can be lax with dieting. She basically relies on her onstage dancing to keep her fit. And then she indulges in comfort food (just like us) and retains water. Just like us.



On the other hand, Spears notices when her body-hugging costumes are bulging in the wrong places, and does something about that. When she sees unsightly bulges, she switches to restriction weight-loss mode. Spears starts cutting back on the junk she eats to get things under control.

And apparently, she’s gotten things under control, for now.

There’s a lesson in this. If a druggie/alcoholic/insane/twice divorced/mother of two kids celebrity can do it, so can you.

June 17, 2009 at 1:13 pm 6 comments

The Arabian Performance Artist’s Anarcho-Syndicalist Nurse

2457570998_786162beccThe Arabian Performance Artist’s Anarcho-Syndicalist Nurse

Suleiman, a tanned, muscular Arab in his twenties, is living out his dream of being a performance artist. He performs in towns and cities all over the country, specializing in anything from swallowing swords to trapeze art.

Plus the adulation does much to attract the beautiful young women. Suleiman, a notorious ladykiller, can thus ensure that he always be with a female companion… or two. Having been orphaned at the tender age of two, this young man knows no other way of life.

All this changes when Suleiman is struck with a debilitating disease. This handsome hero must give up the performance work that he so loves. Just like that, the girls stop visiting him.

Weak and lonely, Suleiman contemplates suicide when he meets the beautiful, young, nubile Bettina. The feisty blonde touches his heart like no other. However, she is an anarcho-syndical, part of an elite sect that denounces sword-swallowing and trapeze work.

The fires of passion rage as Suleiman and Bettina both realize that Bettina and only she holds the key to Suleiman’s cure — and his destiny.


I got this title from the Romance Novel Title Generator.

Here we have the formula for a typical eHarlequin or some other chain romance novel. First, there is the tortured hero. He has been orphaned and as a result cannot form emotional bonds to any other person (i.e., his womanizing minus the love). He has many partners and is a playboy. And he is hunky. I guarantee that i this becomes a real novel, his cover model will be waxed all over.

1407565100_c8c763f317Of course, the partners disappear before or when he meets the One. I insert a dilemma here — he has a debilitating disease. (Fill in the blanks. Everything can be broken except where it counts.) Big problem!

Then he meets the One — who here is the typically feisty heroine. I used the word “nubile” to describe her, as it’s only one word and it gives the feeling that Bettina is shapely, buxom, and lovely to behold. She holds the key to his heart, etc etc. Anyway, Bettina in this case is the cure for Suleiman’s problem. That or the fire of their love. I also inserted a little quirk — she’s an anarcho-syndical. You can’t have a perfect heroine, after all. Just a nearly perfect one.

Have fun writing your own! With the Title Generator and the formula for romance novel success, you can never go wrong!

June 15, 2009 at 12:14 pm 1 comment

Being Single: Part 2

rhodiumfingerprintweddingbandsIn my last post, I talked about what single women are like, and how we can turn into them if we stay single. Make no mistake: being single is evil. And a BIG problem.

Fortunately, there’s something we can do to fix this problem.

1. Read magazines. Lots of them. Magazines are the best source for dating advice. As well as tips on how to get an attractive guy. Cosmopolitan magazine tells you about the traits that will be sure to attract that guy. For example, you  have to dress for guys, not girls. Men want to see curves, baby. Give them curves. You also need to have a burning passion, and not just for him. I’m super enthusiastic about my lightsabers and my Mighty Muggs collection, for instance. Guys really like things like that.

Marie Claire has FOUR things you can do to attract guys. Smile, have sense of humor, tell the dude something he doesn’t know, and be independent.

Did you know that there are 7 main lightsaber forms in the Jedi Order?

Bet you didn’t know that.

Shine Yahoo! has the first seven steps on how to meet and keep a mate. The writer recommends making a list of all the qualities you want in a mate.

Glamour says that women should try out the sexy bedhead hairdo to attract guys. Apparently guys think that’s HOT. Sadly, they don’t know that the sexy bedhead look really takes as long as a perfect coiff. *sigh*

2. Get an account on eHarmony and USE it. It works. Just read the success stories.

How does eHarmony work?

At eHarmony, our patented Compatibility Matching System® narrows the field from millions of candidates to a highly select group of singles that are compatible with you. Unlike other sites where you can post a picture and paragraph and then browse the profiles of other users, eHarmony does the matching for you based on 29 DimensionsTM of personality that are scientifically-based predictors of long-term relationship success.

3. Listen to the Spammers. The worst when it comes to Singles Spam is Yahoo. See samples here. Lately Youtube has been pretty awful, too. There’s just so many chain messages telling you just how you can get a partner. Check them out here.

4. Join some matchmaking reality show. There’s the Millionaire Matchmaker.

With her business booming and her notoriety increasing, Stanger is at the top of her game as owner of a Los Angeles-based elite matchmaking service in which she helps wealthy men find the women of their dreams. But this season, there’s a twist, as Patti adds female millionairesses and gay millionaire clients to the mix.

There’s also Tough Love.

Eight women, struggling to find love, arrive at the VH1 Tough Love Boot camp to enlist the aide of mother and son Master Matchmakers, Steven and JoAnn Ward. First impressions are everything, and Steven wastes no time preparing the girls for love as he puts them through their first grueling exercise — learning what men really think of them based on their appearance alone. The feedback isn’t pretty, but it’s the truth, and after only one day at Boot Camp, one of the girls is sent to the hospital.

That’s the summary of the first episode. Steven and JoAnn Ward are helping these eight women find love. And this guy really knows how to do it.

At the season finale:

It’s been a long, emotional journey for our cast and this is the final challenge. Who will find true love, who will end their budding relationships, and who won’t be able to handle Steve’s final moment of Tough Love?

5. Rent a boyfriend. The people in China do it.

Lastly, relationships don’t last forever. At some point, they’ll end. That perfect hunk? Well… he has bad breath when he wakes up in the morning. It might end up that you’ll dump him over his Twitter addiction. Or his iTunes playlist. When that relationship turns into divorce, separation, or a nasty break up, remember that he’s just another picture to burn.

State the obvious
I didn’t get my perfect fantasy
I realized you love yourself
More that you could ever love me

So go and tell your friends
That I’m obsessive and crazy
That’s fine, I’ll tell mine
You’re gay and by the way

I hate that stupid old pickup truck
You never let me drive
You’re a redneck, heartbreak
Who’s really bad at lying

So watch me strike a match
On all my wasted time
As far as I’m concerned
You?re just another picture to burn

There’s no time for tears
I’m just sitting here planning my revenge
There’s nothing stopping me
From going out with all of your best friends

Happy Hunting!

June 13, 2009 at 2:07 pm 1 comment

On Being Single: Part I

snow-white1When you were young, you were raised on fairytales like Cinderella. A beautiful woman who is also good goes to a ball and meets the prince, who promptly falls in love with her. Maybe you played with dolls like Barbie who were almost never single. Barbie has Ken, after all. Even if she does have a rather interesting relationship with him.

Then when you became a teenager, you heard songs like Fearless or Love Story which tell you just how awesome it is to be in love.

Then as an adult, you read the romance novels where a bright, beautiful, and busty young woman meets a handsome, young, and hunky man and falls in love with him. Along with that, you started reading the gossip columns. Who is Jennifer Aniston dating now? Will she ever find a man? What about Owen Wilson’s “unrequited” love for Kate Hudson… and their relationship that’s on again off again? It’s even led to a suicide attempt for him during one of their breaks.

Sometimes we see celebrities who say, “I’m single and loving it” but really, who are they kidding? Carrie Underwood says that she’s single and happy. Cameron Diaz also says that she’s single and happy. As reported to Parade magazine, she isn’t afraid to walk away from a romance that’s not working because she’ll be fine on her own. (She also told Ellen DeGeneres that she’s a commitment phobe.) Taylor Swift, after her breakup with Joe Jonas, is also single and lovin’ it.

Even the great Robert Pattinson of Twilight is single and loving it! *gasp* In fact, he says that “I don’t see people. I don’t even have people’s phone numbers. I almost don’t want to have a girlfriend in this environment.”

Blame the media. I can sort of see why, considering gossip like this: Twilight Love Triangle? Robert Pattinson torn between co-stars…


We hear them say that they’re single and happy. So we try to be single and happy. We try to embrace our single state… all the while hugging our pillows in bed at night. Or our Pooky teddy bears. And then flip through magazines like Cosmo or Glamour, seeking tips on how to meet new people. And at the same time looking through the tabloids to see which single celebrities are falling apart.

Make no mistake, being single sucks. Especially when your friends are all unsingle? Who has not known the pain of being alone, without a man? Or… to love a man yet have him love someone else?

Who has not know the pain of having furniture to build but no man to build it?


image007Not only that, we all know what single women are like. They’re old spinsters who have nothing better to do with their time than gossip about who’s going out with who. They are young women that eat chocolate and cry while reading romance novels. Or the evil stepmother in Snow White. Or they’re the type of girl you never liked because they always seemed to be batting their eyes at your boyfriend. Or the type of woman who says in interviews that they’re single and loving it, but meanwhile write songs like Teardrops on My Guitar.

Or maybe just grumpy.

We could turn into them if we’re not careful.

In my next post, I’m going to show you how you can fix this problem!

June 11, 2009 at 9:57 am 4 comments

Google stats

Every day, people go on Google. They put strange words into the search engine, and then click on the results that ensue. Sometimes, those strange words will lead them right to your blog! Isn’t that amazing? And sometimes, you just can’t help but wonder what they were thinking when they did that search. (Or what they were smoking. Pine trees?)

1235983335_fc56cc7d67I recently saw a blog post on thebookshelfmuse. She talked about some of the hilarious searches that led people to her site. I posted a reply to her blog post saying that those searches were absolutely hilarious, etc etc, and I wished that I could have some hilarious ones too, but apparently none of the Google searchers were crazy enough. Or wanted to smoke pine trees enough. Or wanted to know whether oxygen masks cause purple and dry cracked lips and tongue.

Then I went back to my blog to go check what hilarious searches brought people to my blog.

Lo and behold, this is what I saw.

what did victorian ladies bathe in to encourage their breasts to grow ?


I honestly don’t know. At. All.

Maybe milk?

I think the searcher was a normal lady in these times who wanted an unconventional way to make her breasts bigger.

Or a man in need of some intense therapy.

11619-victorian-fashionsActually, I might know. A little bit. Victorian ladies (dates 1937 to 1901) were corsets that squooshed up their waists into little things the circumference of a modern day telephone pole. These were called “wasp waists.” The rest of the fat, or weight, or whatever went to their hips and breasts, making their boobs look a lot bigger. They also wore bustle things, like the young ladies in the picture. I don’t know what the bustles were for, but they were a popular fashion item around the turn of the century.

As were annoying things like hoop skirts. But the hoops of that day looked like they were a much different shape than the hoop skirts of, say, the Civil War.

It rather makes you wonder why the women of those days were so crazy about a cage that fitted around their waists and made them impossible to fit through doors. Madness!

mrs_lincolnIn the Civil War era, plump was in. That’s why you’d see pictures of Abraham Lincoln with his quite plump wife (left). Plump meant rich and well-fed. And it meant that you didn’t have to exercise because you were rich enough to just sit around.

Despite the plumpness, women still wore corsets to make their waists appear smaller.

In the early 1900s, things started to change. Thin became in. Women started to view plumpness and weight as something undesirable. Instead of coming to mean that you were rich and well-fed, it meant that you were lazy and greedy. Thinness meant self-control and restraint. The perfect lady was thin, restrained, and talked in a soft voice. She never ran, shouted, screamed, or swore. She controlled herself at all times, including her food intake.

In fact, meat was carnal. Hence, the wasp waists.

It wasn’t long before exercise became the in thing. And with that came the Roaring Twenties with the rebellious “flappers” and their short skirts. The in thing was to have a flat chest.

I hope I answered your question!


(sources: the book Runaway Eating, the book Looks by Gordon L. Patzer, Courtney E. Martin’s Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters, and a wikipedia entry for the exact dates of the Victorian era.)

June 10, 2009 at 9:53 am 2 comments

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