Posts tagged ‘wish’

How to be happy: Cosmo style! Part 3

If the cheap and easy ways to be happy and the Seven Secrets to happiness weren’t enough, you can now have 24 shortcuts to a happy life. You don’t have to take the long way around, thanks to these rules. You can just take 24 wonderful shortcuts and get there much faster.

Maybe before you read lots of magazines (Cosmopolitan is a good example) that told us that we could become happy by trying a new life-changing eye cream (the writer there has been searching for the One, meaning the perfect eye cream), finding true love with the hunky lifeguard person, or getting the perfect job (note: I searched for “dream job” on the website, and most of the stuff I got were shirtless bachelor pictures). Some even told us that we could find happiness by moving to Sweden, of all places. (WOOHOO! Men pushing baby buggies!)

2771481569_efd4a0ae95But contrary to what they say, those things — true love, eye creams, and dream jobs — are not what true happiness is all about. True happiness, instead, is about 24 easy little shortcuts. In fact, Cosmopolitan, to quote, has “unearthed piles of research on the power of positivity to show you just how easy it is to put yourself on cloud nine in an instant.” Knowing people in general, it’s generally understood that people love instant stuff.

Instant coffee is pretty awesome. So is the tea that you just put in a cup of hot water for a few minutes. We love instant. Maybe that’s why the idea of getting something good instantly appeals to us.

Or maybe it appeals to that part of us that is tempted to steal the free ketchup packets at McDonalds.

Since there are 24, I will not be able to go into them at much detail. However, I shall do my best. Do notice that there are 24. These 24 correspond to the hours in a day. If you try to do one an hour, you will be in Happiness Land on a day.

Don’t believe everything you think. Like when your inner voice (no, not the same voice as Oprah’s inner voices, though it could well be the same. I don’t know) starts blabbering about how much of a fatty you are. You might be a fatty, and then again you might not.

462395183_656afdaa27Quit spying on yourself during sex. Just… don’t. I don’t have anything else to say.

C0py the catwalk. If you walk like a model, you’ll be happy. It’s proven. Think like a runway goddess. By the way, in my church there’s a family where the women walk like models. The mother wears very tight clothes so that it seems like she’s wearing a corset. I’ve concluded that she doesn’t know how to breathe anymore. But anyway, she and her daughters walk like models. The sway of the hips, and the foot in front of the other.

Cosmopolitan says that this way of walking is the reason that Gisele Bundchen is so happy. Not because she’s rich or because she has such a beautiful body.

You know, runway models look so darn happy all the time. I’ve always wondered why. Now I know.

Pad your time. Don’t run late. Not only will you be happy, but so will others, too. Like your date who’s been waiting at the restaurant for the past hour.

Get engaged. Not the wedding bells way, but rather getting really absorbed in something. Like a raunchy romance novel. Those things are easy to get absorbed in, or so I’ve heard. True to form, Cosmopolitan does say mention that thumbing through their latest issue is very absorbing and thus happiness inducing. I wouldn’t know. When becoming absorbed in a project, example being thumbing through Cosmopolitan, you boost your sense of competence and well-being. Yay! Another excuse to read that magazine.

2784838186_6ae8146c43Grin, even if you don’t feel like it. Remember the forced grins? Apparently some of you commented saying that you wished it worked for weight loss. Sorry, ladies (and guys), it doesn’t. Though I understand why you think it should work.

Go out on a school night. I wouldn’t know because I like to stay home on school nights, but people have shown the blahs staying alone by themselves. Sometimes it’s great to just go out to a bar and get picked up by a random guy…

Shorten your “I wish I’d…” list. No objections.

RSVP “no” to invites that feel like obligations. You don’t like them, you don’t even know them, and you don’t even speak to them. Believe me, they did it out of obligation as well, to be nice, and they’ll be all over themselves once they see the “no” on the RSVP card.

Paint a wall, rearrange your furniture, or take the curtains off of your windows. WHAT THE HECK? What kind of phrase is “off of”? My grammar book says it’s VERY WRONG. *mutter* But yes, this is why I have so many bumps and bruises. And this is also why you hear lots of banging when I’m in a bad mood. And also why my house looks like a wreck.

Listen to elevator music. … ok.

437210611_6dca8b1cfeOwn your screwups. Again… claim some responsibility here. It’s not the evil forces’ fault. It was yours for not reading the sign that said “cars parked here after so and so will be towed at owner’s expense.” Though if you do live in the city of Boston, I can’t help you here. Sorry.

Dump your diet. Screw Cosmopolitan! Screw Glamour! REBEL!!!

Always have something to look forward to. Dinner reservations. Blind dates. Concert tickets. What would make me happy is music. So I buy music CDs. It’s fun waiting for them to come, especially if they ship from Britain and take a couple of weeks to come. Right now I’m waiting for a Switchfoot CD and a Casting Crowns’ Lifesong CD.

Blow off a grudge. I think this is the smartest thing Cosmo has said, since… since… I don’t know. I didn’t think they had it in them. But you know, bad energy and all that. Karma. Whatsitcalled.

Get dirty. Go back, back to your days of being a toddler playing in dog doo… back to the nostalgia of feeling the happiness of the poo sliding through your fingers, before the big ones came and snatched you away with a loud voice. You cried. But you can still go back to those days.

Line your favorite and famously uncomfortable stilettos with moleskin. Huh? (By the way, I intended to put a picture of someone’s high heels over here, but WordPress was being annoying and wouldn’t show it. Stupid wordpress, sometimes.)

Create a ritual. Because life is just so unpredictable, we need an oasis in the desert, an island in the midst of the roiling oceans of life. It keeps you grounded. And makes you happy. I’m not sure how, but hey…

Don’t flake out. You probably know the girl who always cancels at the last minute. Don’t be like her. You will become friendless, lonely, and possibly die single. Or become one of those crazy women with cats. It’s nice to cancel once in a while (like in the case of saying no to obligations you really don’t want to attend) but not all the time.

Perform a bad-mood intervention on yourself. Out! Out, you demons of PMS! It says that covering your eyes help a lot. So does deep sighing.

Treat yourself to a massage. There’s nothing like the feeling of skin-to-skin contact. Really. It sends happy signals to your brain. Touch is awesome. So much that there’s a Touch Research Institute somewhere in Miami.

Visit O-Town today. Not Oprah town. The other one. Open the floodgates of … um…

Then think LSD...

Then think LSD...

Try color therapy! With Sesame Street! Cosmopolitan tells us that there are four certain colors that provide “major mood-boosting benefits.”

  • Red increases your heart rate. It also makes you want to sleep with anything that’s human, male, and is breathing.
  • Orange will give you energy. “It’s the Energizer Bunny of brights.”
  • Yellow can relieve depression and make your memory better, so you can think about all the bad times that you’ve had before.
  • Green is soothing. Especially mint green. You’ll be too relaxed to think about how horrible your life is.

Remember these colors for the next time you’re in a bad mood and are tired of rearranging the furniture. You can always buy a bucket of paint and redo all the walls by yourself.

In closing, Cosmopolitan has helpfully provided the five symptoms that show that you really need to start following all 24 shortcuts. In fact, if you find yourself thinking HALP or OMG or a variation of any of those, and you most likely will, you have to start using those shortcuts NOW.

  1. 954585106_a454a5126cThe sight of a kissy-feely couple makes you physically ill. Physically ill meaning that you want to throw up. Your stomach feels bad, and you are deeply regretting that bag of colorful (yet happy inducing) Skittles you ate for lunch. This might be a sign that you need a man and have been lonely too long.
  2. The only time you’re in touch with Mother Nature is when you’re walking to your car. I have no idea what this means. It probably has something to do with the wonderfully fresh city air. Or something.
  3. When a coworker asks “Is somebody having a bad day?” you actually growl. Or grunt. I grunt. Like a man. Do you?
  4. Your boyfriend gave you a new sweatsuit for your birthday. Because exercise is so totally fun, and there’s no pressure at all. So why do you want to bite his head off? You need a new boyfriend, STAT.
  5. You blow off your girlfriends because you’re too busy… doing a whole lot of nothing. It’s a horrible thing to be busy doing nothing… though that’s kind of an oxymoron.

Do you show any of these symptoms? You are a very diseased individual who needs plenty of help. Start following the 24 shortcuts to happiness right now, before you get any worse.

Have fun! With these 24 shortcuts, you’re guaranteed to be a very happy woman! And maybe you won’t be single anymore!


August 3, 2009 at 11:19 am 3 comments

Bikini Season

836836178_d9faa8ee67Ahhh… summer. The season that speaks of outdoor¬†barbecues, lemonade, picnics, and sunshine. After a dark, depressing winter in which our skin dried up, we welcome the season of smooth, tanned, glowing skin.

However, summer is also bikini season. We will be spending a lot of time outdoors, soaking up Vitamin D. We will go to the beach multiple times. We will either be swimming, tanning, or hosting that picnic/barbecue/pool party. Most likely in the skimpy little nothings that are all the rage these days.


That means that we women will head to the nearest department store(s) in hopes of getting a bathing suit that will fit properly without having our flab hang out over the edges. This is a nightmare, often resulting in tears of despair and pain. Despair because our tops and bottoms are different sizes, making us buy two swimsuits in two different sizes because the stupid salesclerk won’t let us mix and match. More despair because bikini swimsuits are typically not tummy control. Pain because the darling (tight!) swimsuit makes red lines along our rear and midsections.

41UvBWspHkL._AA280_Fear not! For it is still spring, and you still have time. Time to exercise/crash diet to get your body into perfection, and time to peruse the women’s magazines for advice on which swimsuits to buy which will enhance your shape (i.e., won’t make you look like a donut or a pole).

In this post, we will look at exercise and crash diets. Which crash diets the stars are using to push their bodies into perfection, and which exercise regimes would be the best for us to get into bikini body shape.

What women knows not the struggle of not having the perfect, toned body? As we know, tans, orange or otherwise, don’t look good on flab. Bikinis likewise only look good on skinny ladies. The best thing is that you can get skinny, just like Paris Hilton! As the season approaches, magazines have tips and exercise/diet plans that will get you into that shape within a month. Not only that, the tabloids have inspirational stories of women who tried a certain diet/exercise regime and got the perfect body! If they can do it, you certainly can.

melissa_joan-hartTake Melissa Joan Hart, for instance. As reported by People magazine, the former star of Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, found herself horrified by the unflattering bathing suit pictures of herself at a beach. She thus decided to take matters into her own hands and lose the fat. The actress, who reads discussing blogs about how fat she became, has not stopped doing that. She said, “Everyone still thinks I’m huge.”


Hart, before

But why did such a pretty lady become so fat?How could she let things go like this? Simply stated, pregnancy. She gave birth to two sons. Hart stated that Hollywood put pressure on her to get back in shape after her pregnancies. After all, the public is used to seeing all the other celebrity moms lose all the baby fat within mere weeks after giving birth.

Take women like Nicole Richie. Richie gave birth once. Almost immediately after, she was boney. Real boney.

When Hart did not follow suit, Hollywood was unhappy. And told her so in no uncertain terms.

It took her 14 months, but she did it. Finally. The actress claims that she was inspired by the women in her life, including her own mother Paula. Paula gave birth to seven children “and is tiny!” according to Hart. Hart continued, “I realized I didn’t have to be heavy just because I have kids.” After accepting this flash of insight, she feels amazing, and her life is much better.

It’s amazing what people will do to look good in a bikini.

There’s nothing like a little inspiration.

star-cover-2007_5248For more inspiration, the tabloids start snapping photos of celebrities at the beach. Then they compile all these photos into “best” and “worst” beach bodies. Take this cover as an example.

You will be guaranteed to gasp in horror, gazing at the bodies which failed the test. Cellulite? Oh noes! Flab? Shield your eyes! You will also gasp in awe and admiration, looking at the actresses who did make the cut.

“I wish I had a body like that.”

Correct. You do want a body like the “best” one, and you don’t want a body like the “worst” one. Therefore, you better get yourself in shape, so you can achieve one and not the other.

Just ignore “Owen’s Secret Heartbreak” at the top there.

Now let’s get into the diets themselves.

Glamour has a get-fit trick that is controversial and requires a bikini. The writer states that sometimes we have these cravings. We want chocolate cake, and we want it now. However… do we still want to indulge wearing a bikini? Nah.

If you want to splurge, you have to slip on a bikini or eat in front of the mirror. Weird or effective?

The writer concedes that this really might be a bad idea. It could lead to psychological and emotional issues. This strategy could even lead to an eating disorder. Ugh. No.

31132908_e68cd1420fHowever, she continues by saying that she likes the idea of stripping in front of the mirror to boost self-esteem. Then asks what the readers think of the idea of self-shame in the name of weight loss. The idea is to make you feel guilty for eating something that will make you fat. Wearing a bikini will alert you to this, and make you step away from the food. has more tips to get a bikini body. They tell readers that before they must don their bikini, they must work on their problem areas. These problem areas are the arms, butt, abs, and shoulders. If those parts don’t look good, you won’t look good in a skimpy set of triangles that only cover your private areas. You have to make sure that those parts are toned and muscular. Nutrition is also key, which means that you must not overeat. Eat a sensible diet and WATCH THOSE CALORIES. Watch your portion sizes and drink lots of water to decrease your appetite.

And keep yourself motivated by going to the beach. Leave your swimsuit hanging up in plain view! Or post a picture of yourself looking great on the fridge. There’s a reason that Cathy tapes her bikini to the fridge. The writers again emphasize that only a toned, fit body looks good in a bikini.

But everyone wears bikinis. Your goal is to look good in it. Be worthy of that bikini.


Jennifer Garner

The other source for information is the celebrity trainers themselves. Cosmopolitan has interviewed five celebrity trainers, asking them for their tips on how to get a killer bikini body.

Celebrity trainer Gregg Miele (of Chloe Sevigny) says,

Do cardio first thing in the morning on an empty stomach. Your body will search for an energy source, and since you’ll probably have burned all your carbohydrates overnight, it will tap into fat. You could even have a shot of espresso or cup of black coffee before your workout to further boost your metabolism.

Wow, I’ve never heard of that before. I’ve never heard of Chloe Sevigny, either, but I guess it must work.

Jennifer Garner’s celeb trainer, Valerie Waters, recommends a better diet. She starts off all her clients with a kitchen purge, having them throw out all their processed junk: crackers, white bread, rice, and pasta.

I mean, I don’t know about you. But if I don’t eat my rice, I get cranky. And pasta is like, 50% of my diet.

413954329_4e76925313The important thing to remember is that this is all for a greater cause: the bikini body. If that means that you should give up crackers and pasta, so be it.

Here’s another fairly recent piece of info: Britney Spears is back in bikini-baring shape! As reported by Life and Style magazine, the star hit the beach not too long ago, revealing her beautiful bikini body.

A family insider stated that the 27 year old can be lax with dieting. She basically relies on her onstage dancing to keep her fit. And then she indulges in comfort food (just like us) and retains water. Just like us.



On the other hand, Spears notices when her body-hugging costumes are bulging in the wrong places, and does something about that. When she sees unsightly bulges, she switches to restriction weight-loss mode. Spears starts cutting back on the junk she eats to get things under control.

And apparently, she’s gotten things under control, for now.

There’s a lesson in this. If a druggie/alcoholic/insane/twice divorced/mother of two kids celebrity can do it, so can you.

June 17, 2009 at 1:13 pm 6 comments

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